Choices and Illusions by Eldon Taylor Page A

from “same old, same old” resides within. These are not just words or some
    lofty notion. This potential resides within each one of us—but if
    so, then why is it so often denied?
    The Four Selves
    Every individual essentially has a self-representation that is
    rehearsed and eventually actualized. The process begins by fanta-
    sizing at a very early age. We fantasize a script, perhaps similar to one of those from some Hollywood production. We begin rehearsing it, and we either abandon it to take up a new one or practice it 26
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    Creating Self
    until we role-play that script as who we are. Practicing the script sooner or later automates the behavior. Our imprinting environment plays a significant role in the alternative scripts available to us. If parents are uncaring and abusive, so are their children, and so forth. If warmth and friendliness lead to embarrassment, then
    coldness and aloofness compensate. If honesty gets us into trouble, then deception becomes a defense strategy, and so forth.
    It is much more complicated than expressed here, and it is also
    just this simple. In fact, every one of us divides the self among four essential views of ourselves:
    1. Our actual self
    2. Our ideal self
    3. Our ought-to-be self
    4. Our desired self
    These categories were originally developed by Jerome l. Singer,
    professor of psychology at Yale University, to show how the differ-
    ent selves conflict with each other.4 I will use them differently, as we shall see.
    Our actual Self
    Most of us are aware of a so-called actual self. This is the self
    that has failed in ways we often will not share with others. This
    is the private self. This self holds the thoughts we wish we did
    not have, the acts we wish we had not done, our beliefs about
    our worth, our attractiveness, and so forth. It is the self of our
    secrets and our ambitions. It is the self that most people try to
    change in some way or another at some time in their life—perhaps
    even perpetually.
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    CHOICES AND ILLUSIONS
    Our Ideal Self
    The actual self pales by comparison to our ideal self. The ideal
    self is often a construct built by our culture. This self would live a perfect life without error—but therefore without room for growth.
    Our Ought-to-Be Self
    Then there is our “ought-to-be self.” This is the self full of
    all our learned “shoulds” and “oughts.” This self differs from our
    ideal self in the sense that many of the oughts are not ours—they
    are the oughts of our culture, our society—but deep down inside
    they do not belong to us. Sometimes these oughts are the result of
    rules that make little or no sense to us; sometimes the oughts are
    of co dependent negotiations such as those implied when Mom said
    such things as, “If you loved me, you would not behave that way,”
    or “If you loved me, you would do what I said,” and so forth. Still, even when we recognize the source and the nature of the relationship from which the oughts arise, they often persist.
    Our Desired Self
    Finally, there is the desired self. Somewhere among all of our
    other selves is a self that we believe we could be. This is the self we long for, especially when we are young and planning our future. It
    is also the source of much discontent in our later life if the desires have not been fulfilled—and they rarely, if ever, are.
    Believe the Impossible
    The ought-to-be self, desired self, and ideal self share certain
    commonalities, but they also differ remarkably. There is psychic
    tension among them and in their totality, substantial tension
    between them and our so-called actual self.
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    Creating Self
    now, there’s one more thing I wish to add before continuing.
    What we believe is the actual self is seldom the true actual self.
    The actual self is the result of self-perception and