01 - Pongwiffy a Witch of Dirty Habits by Kaye Umansky - (ebook by Undead) Page B

“No balloons. Next please, Hugo.”
    “Mine next,” said Grandwitch Sourmuddle, suddenly remembering what was
happening.
    “It’s not your turn…”
    “Who’s Mistress of this Coven? Mine next.”
    Muttering, Pongwiffy signalled to Hugo, who scrabbled around in the hat until
he found Sourmuddle’s paper.
    “HAVE A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR SOURMUDDLE,” read out Pongwiffy, and a vast sigh
went up.
    “Well, why not?” whined Sourmuddle.
    “Because your birthday’s still two months away. You’ve been told a hundred
times.”
    Sourmuddle went into a deep sulk, and Pongwiffy moved on.
    The next idea was, BRING-AND-BUY SALE. That was from Bendyshanks. Everyone
wanted to know what a Bring-and-Buy Sale was. Bendyshanks said they all had to
bring a load of Old Rubbish and buy it. The Witches wanted to know what sort of
Old Rubbish. Bendyshanks said rags, old shoes, home-made cakes and jigsaws with
half the pieces missing. Ratsnappy growled that it seemed daft, coming up with a
load of Old Rubbish then buying it straight back. Bendyshanks explained that the
idea was to buy other people’s Old Rubbish.
    This provoked an outcry. Witches declared that they wouldn’t be seen dead in
one of Pongwiffy’s stinky old cardigans or a pair of Sludgegooey’s shoes. And as
for Gaga’s home-made sponge with the cement filling—talk about instant death,
one slice of that and it’d be a Bring-and-Die Sale. And so on and so on.
    The Bring-and-Buy Sale was obviously doomed to failure, so Pongwiffy moved on
to the next idea, which was, START A BROWNIE PACK, suggested by Ratsnappy. This
was roundly jeered, and quite right too.
    Greymatter’s INTELYJENT SOCIETY FOR BRAINY WITCHES didn’t get a
single clap because no one could spell Intelligent.
    Scrofula’s RAFFLE proved equally unpopular when it was discovered that the
prize would be a rare collection of Scrofula’s old hairbrushes. Scrofula’s
dandruff was shocking. She had the most Christmassy shoulders in the world.
    Gaga’s idea of HANGING FROM TREES never got written down, because she was off
somewhere hanging from one. That meant there was now only one remaining paper in
the hat. It belonged to Sharkadder.
    Now, it must be remembered that Sharkadder was still sore about Hugo making
her Dudley look foolish. Also, she had recently had another row with Pongwiffy.
Something about missing hair rollers. In fact, she and Pongwiffy were currently
worst enemies.
    Sharkadder’s paper said, MAKE-UP DEMONSTRATION.
    “Huh,” said Pongwiffy, reading it out with a sneer. “Well, I think we all
agree that’s a terrible idea, so I’m afraid…”
    “Hold it!” howled Sharkadder, outraged. “You haven’t given anyone a chance to
clap! You saw that, everyone, she didn’t even…”
    “Oh, all right. Hands up anyone who in their right mind would volunteer to be
made up by Sharkadder. Bearing in mind she uses brillo pads for cleansing, which
is why her own ugly mug looks like the surface of the moon. There, see, no one.
Told you.”
    Sharkadder flexed her long nails dangerously and said, “Not so fast, ferret
face. There’s another suggestion on the other side.”
    There was too. It said:
     
    TIE PONGWIFFY TO A THORN BUSH
    AND THROW OLD TEA BAGS AT HER!
     
    “Suggest you do not read zis one out,” advised Hugo in a whisper. “’E might be
popular.” Pongwiffy took his advice and accidentally on purpose dropped the
paper in the fire. Sharkadder jumped up and down, snarling.
    “Well, that’s that,” said Pongwiffy, ignoring her. “What a load of useless
suggestions. I don’t know why I bothered.”
    “What about you, bug brain?” heckled Sharkadder. “What’s your idea?”
    “I don’t have to think of one. I organised it.”
    “Boo!” howled the Witches, led by Sharkadder. “Can’t think of one!”
    “Can,” snapped Pongwiffy, who couldn’t. Her brains always seemed to be out
whenever she called on them. Luckily, Hugo came to her rescue.
    “I vish