be, that we can’t be.
“I don’t know.”
He drops down and crawls toward me. “I’m in love with you. You have to know this by now.”
Of course I do. It’s everything I wanted. Everything I knew in the back of my mind . And it hurts like nothing I’ve ever known. The shaking won’t stop and he gathers me into his lap and clings to me tightly.
Tears are slipping down my face. He collects them on his fingers and brushes them away. Then when they keep coming, he kisses them away. And kisses me. And I get lost in it again for a moment before I pull back from him.
“We’re not going to work?” I say.
He shakes his head. “You know we aren’t.”
I scrunch my eyes together and beg for the moment to freeze. For us to get to be like this forever. For nothing outside of these walls to exist. But when I open them again, I know I won’t get that. I won’t get to keep him. He’ll walk away from me and he’ll be right to do it.
I pull off my shirt and help him off with his. “Okay. Tonight. Just tonight. Right now. I’ll disappear after this, but right now, I need this. Please.”
He lifts me and puts me on his bed. His fingers brush away the last of my tears and then he’s on top of me, loving me in a way that’s both tender and desperate. And as I cling to him, I know that this is his way of saying goodbye.
Chapter Twelve
The campers left yesterday. It’s the staff’s last day and I haven’t been with Alex since ten days ago. We don’t even look for each other. We can’t. The heartsickness is too huge. The day after the last time, Sam saw me at breakfast and shook her head, then mumbled something about the trouble with love. Since then, both she and Jo haven’t left me alone. I love them for it and every night with them is solace in a way that I never could have expected.
Though Jo’s been skipping out some nights. She’s up to something big, but still hasn’t let it drop. At least not to me. It’s the end of the summer, she may just let it pass. And Sam has been more quiet than I’ve ever seen her.
We’re having a campfire and the entire staff is singing. Nancy, the head cook , has out her guitar and even Irene has shown up. She returned to camp a week ago to see that everything was still in order. She didn’t mention Robin and none of us asked about her, though by this point, most of the counselors had heard the story.
Alex is on the opposite side from me , staring into the fire. The s’mores I had earlier sit like a lump in my gut. I can’t sing. I can’t even move. I can only ache. I’m a coward. I should get up and tell him goodbye. I should wish him luck in Costa Rica next summer. I should tell him to send me a postcard. Instead, I blink back tears and gnaw the inside of my cheek.
Jo and Sam sandwich me in a squeezy hug , and I hold their hands because they have been through it all with me and don’t care that I’m a stupid girl in love. Alex stands up and stares at me. He points to the woods and the question in his face turns me inside out. Yes, I want this. But no, I don’t think my little heart can take much more.
“One life, sweetie,” Jo whispers in my ear. “I might even try to get mine, too. If I can do it, you can do it.”
Sam nudges me. “She’s right. Go fucking own that.”
I drop a kiss on both their cheeks and stand on shaky legs. Alex is already to the edge of the woods by the time I catch up with him. I expect him to kiss me or at the very least wrap me in his arms, but he merely leans against a tree and stares like he’s trying to memorize me. Like I’m standing in front of him with no clothes on.
A deep blush creeps up my neck and he moves forward to grab my hand.
“Come with me.”
I blink. “What? Where? ”
“Next summer. Come with me to Costa Rica.”
I let the excitement of possibility buzz across my skin before I shake my head. “I don’t have the money . They won’t send us both.”
“They will. You’re my plus one. I
“I don’t know.”
He drops down and crawls toward me. “I’m in love with you. You have to know this by now.”
Of course I do. It’s everything I wanted. Everything I knew in the back of my mind . And it hurts like nothing I’ve ever known. The shaking won’t stop and he gathers me into his lap and clings to me tightly.
Tears are slipping down my face. He collects them on his fingers and brushes them away. Then when they keep coming, he kisses them away. And kisses me. And I get lost in it again for a moment before I pull back from him.
“We’re not going to work?” I say.
He shakes his head. “You know we aren’t.”
I scrunch my eyes together and beg for the moment to freeze. For us to get to be like this forever. For nothing outside of these walls to exist. But when I open them again, I know I won’t get that. I won’t get to keep him. He’ll walk away from me and he’ll be right to do it.
I pull off my shirt and help him off with his. “Okay. Tonight. Just tonight. Right now. I’ll disappear after this, but right now, I need this. Please.”
He lifts me and puts me on his bed. His fingers brush away the last of my tears and then he’s on top of me, loving me in a way that’s both tender and desperate. And as I cling to him, I know that this is his way of saying goodbye.
Chapter Twelve
The campers left yesterday. It’s the staff’s last day and I haven’t been with Alex since ten days ago. We don’t even look for each other. We can’t. The heartsickness is too huge. The day after the last time, Sam saw me at breakfast and shook her head, then mumbled something about the trouble with love. Since then, both she and Jo haven’t left me alone. I love them for it and every night with them is solace in a way that I never could have expected.
Though Jo’s been skipping out some nights. She’s up to something big, but still hasn’t let it drop. At least not to me. It’s the end of the summer, she may just let it pass. And Sam has been more quiet than I’ve ever seen her.
We’re having a campfire and the entire staff is singing. Nancy, the head cook , has out her guitar and even Irene has shown up. She returned to camp a week ago to see that everything was still in order. She didn’t mention Robin and none of us asked about her, though by this point, most of the counselors had heard the story.
Alex is on the opposite side from me , staring into the fire. The s’mores I had earlier sit like a lump in my gut. I can’t sing. I can’t even move. I can only ache. I’m a coward. I should get up and tell him goodbye. I should wish him luck in Costa Rica next summer. I should tell him to send me a postcard. Instead, I blink back tears and gnaw the inside of my cheek.
Jo and Sam sandwich me in a squeezy hug , and I hold their hands because they have been through it all with me and don’t care that I’m a stupid girl in love. Alex stands up and stares at me. He points to the woods and the question in his face turns me inside out. Yes, I want this. But no, I don’t think my little heart can take much more.
“One life, sweetie,” Jo whispers in my ear. “I might even try to get mine, too. If I can do it, you can do it.”
Sam nudges me. “She’s right. Go fucking own that.”
I drop a kiss on both their cheeks and stand on shaky legs. Alex is already to the edge of the woods by the time I catch up with him. I expect him to kiss me or at the very least wrap me in his arms, but he merely leans against a tree and stares like he’s trying to memorize me. Like I’m standing in front of him with no clothes on.
A deep blush creeps up my neck and he moves forward to grab my hand.
“Come with me.”
I blink. “What? Where? ”
“Next summer. Come with me to Costa Rica.”
I let the excitement of possibility buzz across my skin before I shake my head. “I don’t have the money . They won’t send us both.”
“They will. You’re my plus one. I
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