to do it on a prison-hulk, however swish; for that is not what ships are about.
And they are about to be about even less. Soon, you may be sure, there will be a
Diabolical Liberty of the Seas
, ten times the size of this one, its lucky passengers living in thatched
cottages, fishing the trout-lake, playing cricket, riding to hounds, and taking luxury trains to the afterdeck to watch Saracens v. Wasps; but Mrs Coren and I will not be sailing with them.
If we ever accept an invitation to sail anywhere, it will have to come from a seafaring man with one leg we meet in an inn, whose lugger lies straining at its hawser, canvas furled, waiting to
ship us and his parrot round the howling Horn for a few pieces of eight, weevils our only dining experience, rum our only sundown tipple, a concertina our only dance-band, and our only gamble the
outside chance of finding an uncharted island where x marks the spot.
And if our only fellow guests are fifteen men on a dead man’s chest, that’s fine with us.
Anything Legal Considered
T HE Law Society is right to observe that ‘in our burgeoning blame culture, it is to be expected that some
plaintiffs who become mired in litigation may have only themselves to blame.’ For who could blame the lawyers when, every day, my postbag sags beneath the weight of letters like
this?
Dear Mr Coren:
In June 1994, a tree root from next door’s garden grew through the side of our new polystyrene pond, causing serious subsidence to a gnome. My neighbour refused
compensation, so my solicitor sought counsel’s advice. He recommended I go to court, where the case took nine days, because of a number of what my counsel described as fascinatingly
unforeseeable legal points, several dating back to 1326, and I lost. Costs ran to five figures.
Being short of money, I sought time to pay, and took a second job as a nightwatchman, where I was laid out by a baseball bat. The company sacked me for incompetence, and counsel insisted I sue
for unfair dismissal. At the hearing, evidence was admitted from the trial of the batter, who had been found not guilty on the grounds that I had shouted at him aggressively when he broke the door
down and caused him the emotional distress for which I had been forced to compensate him, so the dismissal was upheld. Costs were given against me. They were also given against me in the case my
solicitor advised me to bring against my other employer, who had dismissed me from my day job on the grounds that I had been off work for two weeks attending a hearing about being unfairly
dismissed from my second job.
Now unemployed, I could not find work due to pains in my batted head. My barrister sought compensation, but this was denied because a previous court had ruled that I had brought the injury on
myself by aggressive shouting. To pay my lawyers’ bills for all this I had to sell my house, but I did not get as much as I hoped because of the legal fees involved, and since my wife did not
fancy living over a chip shop, she sued for divorce.
My lawyers recommended I defend the suit, which I lost, costs awarded to my wife, and as I left the court I tripped on a broken kerb and dislocated my hip. My lawyers instantly initiated a
negligence suit against Westminster Council, who not only won but also successfully counterclaimed for making the kerb worse than it was before.
When my hip repair went wrong, the Medical Defence Union, acting for the surgeon I was advised to sue for negligence, employed three QCs, but I, being bankrupt, had to defend myself. The case
took a month, due to all the hours I spent limping to and fro across the court as witness and counsel, until it was time to cash in my pension fund to pay the MDU costs.
What I want to know is: if I could get a loan from those nice people who advertise on television, would you advise me to sue my lawyers?
Dial M For Money
N OW , viewers, before we go into the commercial break and the final part of this week’s
And they are about to be about even less. Soon, you may be sure, there will be a
Diabolical Liberty of the Seas
, ten times the size of this one, its lucky passengers living in thatched
cottages, fishing the trout-lake, playing cricket, riding to hounds, and taking luxury trains to the afterdeck to watch Saracens v. Wasps; but Mrs Coren and I will not be sailing with them.
If we ever accept an invitation to sail anywhere, it will have to come from a seafaring man with one leg we meet in an inn, whose lugger lies straining at its hawser, canvas furled, waiting to
ship us and his parrot round the howling Horn for a few pieces of eight, weevils our only dining experience, rum our only sundown tipple, a concertina our only dance-band, and our only gamble the
outside chance of finding an uncharted island where x marks the spot.
And if our only fellow guests are fifteen men on a dead man’s chest, that’s fine with us.
Anything Legal Considered
T HE Law Society is right to observe that ‘in our burgeoning blame culture, it is to be expected that some
plaintiffs who become mired in litigation may have only themselves to blame.’ For who could blame the lawyers when, every day, my postbag sags beneath the weight of letters like
this?
Dear Mr Coren:
In June 1994, a tree root from next door’s garden grew through the side of our new polystyrene pond, causing serious subsidence to a gnome. My neighbour refused
compensation, so my solicitor sought counsel’s advice. He recommended I go to court, where the case took nine days, because of a number of what my counsel described as fascinatingly
unforeseeable legal points, several dating back to 1326, and I lost. Costs ran to five figures.
Being short of money, I sought time to pay, and took a second job as a nightwatchman, where I was laid out by a baseball bat. The company sacked me for incompetence, and counsel insisted I sue
for unfair dismissal. At the hearing, evidence was admitted from the trial of the batter, who had been found not guilty on the grounds that I had shouted at him aggressively when he broke the door
down and caused him the emotional distress for which I had been forced to compensate him, so the dismissal was upheld. Costs were given against me. They were also given against me in the case my
solicitor advised me to bring against my other employer, who had dismissed me from my day job on the grounds that I had been off work for two weeks attending a hearing about being unfairly
dismissed from my second job.
Now unemployed, I could not find work due to pains in my batted head. My barrister sought compensation, but this was denied because a previous court had ruled that I had brought the injury on
myself by aggressive shouting. To pay my lawyers’ bills for all this I had to sell my house, but I did not get as much as I hoped because of the legal fees involved, and since my wife did not
fancy living over a chip shop, she sued for divorce.
My lawyers recommended I defend the suit, which I lost, costs awarded to my wife, and as I left the court I tripped on a broken kerb and dislocated my hip. My lawyers instantly initiated a
negligence suit against Westminster Council, who not only won but also successfully counterclaimed for making the kerb worse than it was before.
When my hip repair went wrong, the Medical Defence Union, acting for the surgeon I was advised to sue for negligence, employed three QCs, but I, being bankrupt, had to defend myself. The case
took a month, due to all the hours I spent limping to and fro across the court as witness and counsel, until it was time to cash in my pension fund to pay the MDU costs.
What I want to know is: if I could get a loan from those nice people who advertise on television, would you advise me to sue my lawyers?
Dial M For Money
N OW , viewers, before we go into the commercial break and the final part of this week’s
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