pulling her down into despair. It was sinful to despair, but God gave her no peace. She did not pretend to being an innocent, butsurely there were many far worse than she. She stopped herself, realising she was puling like her father and she begged the Blessed Mother’s patience.
It was all the worse because she had allowed herself to hope that she might find some joy in James Comyn after the humiliation of her marriage with Roger. James had been attentive and affectionate of late, and she’d found it comforting to have a man concerned for her, gifting her with food in short supply – a little meat, a small barrel of ale – advising her on problems, and praising her accomplishments. They had grown close. He’d brought the Welshman to give her news of her brother – that was the third time James had brought her word of Andrew since Abbot Adam had condemned him. With what seemed immense patience James had worn down her initial distrust of his kindness, and she had come to think that although he might be using her for his own ends as had Roger, he had been a good friend to her. It did not hurt his cause that he also had a face and manner that Margaret found pleasing. Yet now she felt alone again. Her mother was wasting away, Roger was in danger, James was long away at his meeting with Wallace and Murray. She closed her eyes, praying for some good news, and found herself lingering over a memory of their last parting. James had pulled her into his arms and kissed her, a kiss so sweet, so welcome that she thought she might love him.
As she knelt at her devotion she felt the now familiar chill, so unlike the Virgin’s warmth, and the floor opened beneath her. She gasped to find herself falling. Dame Bethag’s song had slowed and softened, but now it was drowned out by a rushing sound all around Margaret. She fought to open her eyes, frightened by the sensation of freely falling through the air, but her eyes would not open. Her stomach heaved at the weightlessness.
And then, as suddenly as it had begun her fall ended, and her body was shot through with a pain that left her breathless, her ears assailed by a terrible roar of agony. She thought she screamed, but could not hear herself for the roar. The moment she collapsed, unable to bear any more, the pain and the terrible noise withdrew. She felt her feet touching the ground. She did not trust her legs after her terrifying fall, but she stood without effort and opened her eyes with ease. She was no longer in the kirk but standing at the foot of a rock outcrop, in a dusty pre-dawn light, and someone lay at her feet, his breath rattling piteously. She crouched down and to her dismay found it was Roger. He lay sprawled on the ground with his head at a frightening angle against a stone. The rattling ceased.
‘Christ have mercy!’ she cried. She attempted to arrange his head and limbs in a more natural order telling herself that he might recover if his humours could flow more easily. But his skin was cold and hisbody was already stiffening. ‘Roger, stay with me, I pray you, breathe!’ She felt herself pulled away, lifted off her feet, and she floated away, hand in hand with a warm, shining companion. ‘No! I cannot do this – I cannot leave him.’
‘Be at peace, Dame Margaret.’
Bethag’s voice called her from the dream. Her arm about Margaret’s trembling shoulders was warm and reassuring. Bethag gently touched her cheek. Margaret opened her eyes. Bethag’s eyes were wells of light.
‘What vision did the Lord bring you, young Margaret?’
‘I pray that it was no vision, but a dream.’ It was her recurring dream, yet different this time, experiencing Roger’s fall, and seeing him as he lay dying. Margaret crossed herself. ‘Your song made me think of those I love, those I am worried about.’ If it had been real she would not have abandoned him though dead. She would have sought a way to protect Roger from scavengers.
The nun’s focus was turned inward.
It was all the worse because she had allowed herself to hope that she might find some joy in James Comyn after the humiliation of her marriage with Roger. James had been attentive and affectionate of late, and she’d found it comforting to have a man concerned for her, gifting her with food in short supply – a little meat, a small barrel of ale – advising her on problems, and praising her accomplishments. They had grown close. He’d brought the Welshman to give her news of her brother – that was the third time James had brought her word of Andrew since Abbot Adam had condemned him. With what seemed immense patience James had worn down her initial distrust of his kindness, and she had come to think that although he might be using her for his own ends as had Roger, he had been a good friend to her. It did not hurt his cause that he also had a face and manner that Margaret found pleasing. Yet now she felt alone again. Her mother was wasting away, Roger was in danger, James was long away at his meeting with Wallace and Murray. She closed her eyes, praying for some good news, and found herself lingering over a memory of their last parting. James had pulled her into his arms and kissed her, a kiss so sweet, so welcome that she thought she might love him.
As she knelt at her devotion she felt the now familiar chill, so unlike the Virgin’s warmth, and the floor opened beneath her. She gasped to find herself falling. Dame Bethag’s song had slowed and softened, but now it was drowned out by a rushing sound all around Margaret. She fought to open her eyes, frightened by the sensation of freely falling through the air, but her eyes would not open. Her stomach heaved at the weightlessness.
And then, as suddenly as it had begun her fall ended, and her body was shot through with a pain that left her breathless, her ears assailed by a terrible roar of agony. She thought she screamed, but could not hear herself for the roar. The moment she collapsed, unable to bear any more, the pain and the terrible noise withdrew. She felt her feet touching the ground. She did not trust her legs after her terrifying fall, but she stood without effort and opened her eyes with ease. She was no longer in the kirk but standing at the foot of a rock outcrop, in a dusty pre-dawn light, and someone lay at her feet, his breath rattling piteously. She crouched down and to her dismay found it was Roger. He lay sprawled on the ground with his head at a frightening angle against a stone. The rattling ceased.
‘Christ have mercy!’ she cried. She attempted to arrange his head and limbs in a more natural order telling herself that he might recover if his humours could flow more easily. But his skin was cold and hisbody was already stiffening. ‘Roger, stay with me, I pray you, breathe!’ She felt herself pulled away, lifted off her feet, and she floated away, hand in hand with a warm, shining companion. ‘No! I cannot do this – I cannot leave him.’
‘Be at peace, Dame Margaret.’
Bethag’s voice called her from the dream. Her arm about Margaret’s trembling shoulders was warm and reassuring. Bethag gently touched her cheek. Margaret opened her eyes. Bethag’s eyes were wells of light.
‘What vision did the Lord bring you, young Margaret?’
‘I pray that it was no vision, but a dream.’ It was her recurring dream, yet different this time, experiencing Roger’s fall, and seeing him as he lay dying. Margaret crossed herself. ‘Your song made me think of those I love, those I am worried about.’ If it had been real she would not have abandoned him though dead. She would have sought a way to protect Roger from scavengers.
The nun’s focus was turned inward.
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