childhood I hadn’t looked beyond the end of each day, hell there had been times when even that hadn’t helped. Truthfully, my relationships hadn’t worked in the past because I had always been waiting for the other person to walk away. No one had wanted to keep me before, why would that change?
With Charles, my first relationship, I had been young and naïve and fallen hard. I had wanted so badly to please him, in every way. I had no real starting point for a relationship other than sex, from everything I had read and seen it seemed to be most important thing that mattered. I had tried to give Charles everything he asked for but it hadn’t worked.
We had lasted almost three years but in the last few months he’d pushed limits again and again until I no longer felt comfortable, or safe with him. It wasn’t that I believed what we did was bad or wrong but I simply didn’t enjoy it and wanted it to stop. I received no pleasure from the pain he inflicted. Yet, I didn’t have the courage to say no, so I’d tried to please him in other ways but he wouldn’t allow it. When he’d finally untied me the last time I had known it couldn’t go on but I hadn’t said it. I simply walked away. He had gone after me explaining he hadn’t meant to push me away and was sorry he’d done what he had but he wanted me to react. He wanted me to talk to him, share more than just my body. But it was too late, he’d gone too far. I couldn’t forgive him for what he had done and I couldn’t forgive myself for allowing it.
My second relationship had been a mistake from the first week, I had just been too scared to admit it. In my painting, I preferred soft dreamy lines to stark and straight lines. While I have been painting for years, I was mostly self-taught and wasn’t very good at drawing. When I wanted to push myself a little farther, I had signed up for a drawing course, hoping to make my painting better. I expected bowls of fruit not the naked woman reclining on the couch seemingly without a care in the world. A part of me had been shocked and then jealous of the woman’s casualness of her naked body. It had been almost a year since Charles and I had taken a step back from anything even slightly sexual. Even at home I no longer felt comfortable naked. While I had often seen paintings of women naked and in various stages of undress and always thought them beautiful I had never seen a woman in person naked. I thought Tracy was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, at the time. My drawing was awful and I’d tried instead to do a painting but it hadn’t been much better.
My efforts had caught Tracy’s eye and somehow in a way I hadn’t even been aware of, we had moved into a sexual relationship. At first I hadn’t stopped the progression because I thought since I did find a woman’s body beautiful and some photographs erotic, maybe it meant I could be attracted to one. Still, it wasn’t until after several glasses of wine that I was able to respond to Tracy’s kisses and not stiffen at her touches and I gained the courage to go further. It hadn’t been awful but it hadn’t satisfying and I wasn’t sure how to tell Tracy that, especially when Tracy had acted as if it was the most amazing sex ever. I felt horrible, I couldn’t tell Tracy the truth even as I lay under her trying to be enthusiastic when all I wanted to do was ask her to stop.
Tracy had tried, she really had, including toy after toy during sex. It had only been a few weeks before Tracy had pressed the issue and with relief I admitted I didn’t want to continue anymore. Tracy had accused me of using her and the sad truth was, she was right. I had wanted to know if I could be in a sexual relationship again and after the strength and brutal treatment at the end with Charles, I hadn’t felt safe with a man again. I’d taken all the insults and recriminations Tracy had hurled at me as my due.
After that it had been two very long years before I felt
With Charles, my first relationship, I had been young and naïve and fallen hard. I had wanted so badly to please him, in every way. I had no real starting point for a relationship other than sex, from everything I had read and seen it seemed to be most important thing that mattered. I had tried to give Charles everything he asked for but it hadn’t worked.
We had lasted almost three years but in the last few months he’d pushed limits again and again until I no longer felt comfortable, or safe with him. It wasn’t that I believed what we did was bad or wrong but I simply didn’t enjoy it and wanted it to stop. I received no pleasure from the pain he inflicted. Yet, I didn’t have the courage to say no, so I’d tried to please him in other ways but he wouldn’t allow it. When he’d finally untied me the last time I had known it couldn’t go on but I hadn’t said it. I simply walked away. He had gone after me explaining he hadn’t meant to push me away and was sorry he’d done what he had but he wanted me to react. He wanted me to talk to him, share more than just my body. But it was too late, he’d gone too far. I couldn’t forgive him for what he had done and I couldn’t forgive myself for allowing it.
My second relationship had been a mistake from the first week, I had just been too scared to admit it. In my painting, I preferred soft dreamy lines to stark and straight lines. While I have been painting for years, I was mostly self-taught and wasn’t very good at drawing. When I wanted to push myself a little farther, I had signed up for a drawing course, hoping to make my painting better. I expected bowls of fruit not the naked woman reclining on the couch seemingly without a care in the world. A part of me had been shocked and then jealous of the woman’s casualness of her naked body. It had been almost a year since Charles and I had taken a step back from anything even slightly sexual. Even at home I no longer felt comfortable naked. While I had often seen paintings of women naked and in various stages of undress and always thought them beautiful I had never seen a woman in person naked. I thought Tracy was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, at the time. My drawing was awful and I’d tried instead to do a painting but it hadn’t been much better.
My efforts had caught Tracy’s eye and somehow in a way I hadn’t even been aware of, we had moved into a sexual relationship. At first I hadn’t stopped the progression because I thought since I did find a woman’s body beautiful and some photographs erotic, maybe it meant I could be attracted to one. Still, it wasn’t until after several glasses of wine that I was able to respond to Tracy’s kisses and not stiffen at her touches and I gained the courage to go further. It hadn’t been awful but it hadn’t satisfying and I wasn’t sure how to tell Tracy that, especially when Tracy had acted as if it was the most amazing sex ever. I felt horrible, I couldn’t tell Tracy the truth even as I lay under her trying to be enthusiastic when all I wanted to do was ask her to stop.
Tracy had tried, she really had, including toy after toy during sex. It had only been a few weeks before Tracy had pressed the issue and with relief I admitted I didn’t want to continue anymore. Tracy had accused me of using her and the sad truth was, she was right. I had wanted to know if I could be in a sexual relationship again and after the strength and brutal treatment at the end with Charles, I hadn’t felt safe with a man again. I’d taken all the insults and recriminations Tracy had hurled at me as my due.
After that it had been two very long years before I felt
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