nodded.
“She says she is.”
“Yeah. That’s good, you know? They work the program, and it’s like they made a commitment. You’re lucky. It might stick. Not my dad, though. He won’t do no program.” He took a long drink. “My mom, she does it, works it like crazy all the time, especially when he starts. But him? Nah. He’s better’n all that.”
I forgot Mom for a minute. “ Both your parents?”
“Yeah, but Mom’s been good for three years. Since my brother died. Guess how he died? Killed himself driving a motorcycle drunk. Idiot. And Dad’s like, he doesn’t even care. Me, I’m the one’s never gonna touch that stuff. Look what it did to them.”
As he talked, his voice grew rough, and I could tell he felt it. He wasn’t just making words. I wondered if I could ever talk about my mother the way he did his, say my mom has been sober three years, and be proud. I wondered if I could talk about these last two weeks with the same kind of pride, or if I should.
“I don’t want to do that either. Be a drunk. They’re disgusting.”
He snorted as the bell rang. I looked at him, but he seemed to have forgotten we were supposed to answer the door, so I let in what seemed like a dozen people, all armed with pizza boxes.
“Pizza’s here!” Wallis pushed past me. “Hey, it’s the quiet one. Where’s Lucy? Where’s the plates? I’m starving. Gonna eat the box too if she doesn’t save it from me.”
Lucy ran in, laughing, and in a minute they were all in the middle of a pizza party that headed to the kitchen. Miguel left, too, but I cowered in the dark room. I thought about sneaking outside, sitting on the porch until Mom showed up, but I couldn’t work up the energy to move.
“Three years,” I whispered to my hands. Dad had died almost seven years ago, when I was nine. And Mom had been drinking hard since then. I tried to look ahead three years. I’d be in college. Maybe. Maybe I’d be out on my own. I could see myself but not Mom. I put the can down carefully on a coaster and stood. I’d walk those few miles home.
“Aidyn?” Lucy tiptoed into her own living room. “What’s wrong? Come and eat, girl.”
“I’m not very hungry.”
“Then come in and just hang out with us, OK? That’s why we invited you.”
We? Who was we? The whole group? Couldn’t be. Shannon was part of it.
Lucy pushed me ahead of her into the lighted kitchen, and the first thing I saw was Miguel, wearing his clown-persona again, on his knees in front of Shannon, begging for something everyone else found hilarious but I hadn’t heard.
I leaned against the oven and let Jackson hand me a slice dripping with cheese and extra grease, the paper plate nearly transparent under it. I didn’t belong here, I never would. I had a secret, even if I couldn’t keep it. And maybe that secret wasn’t all about my mom.
After a while, people began moving around, and I threw what was left of my pizza in the trash. I followed a couple of kids I didn’t know into the backyard, and skirted a pool that reflected shine but no light.
I shouldn’t have come. How could I be so stupid? I’d left Mom, and now she was probably bombed. I’d let Miguel know I didn’t care enough to get excited that she’d managed a week and a half. And I’d ruined that all by myself. Not that it mattered. Nothing good ever lasted. I just reduced it to crap.
No wonder Miguel gravitated to Shannon. Who wouldn’t? Normal Shannon lived a real life. Who would want to hang around someone who couldn’t even laugh?
And me. Miguel’s smile did more to my heart than jogging a straight mile. I couldn’t catch my breath. Didn’t want to. Out of nowhere, I fell for a pair of brown eyes when I’d been dying to catch the attention of blue. Fickle me. Did normal girls fall in and out of love and back in again, in an instant? But I’d abandoned lusting after Shannon’s boyfriend and latched onto the boy who lusted after her. Human, I might be. Sane,
“She says she is.”
“Yeah. That’s good, you know? They work the program, and it’s like they made a commitment. You’re lucky. It might stick. Not my dad, though. He won’t do no program.” He took a long drink. “My mom, she does it, works it like crazy all the time, especially when he starts. But him? Nah. He’s better’n all that.”
I forgot Mom for a minute. “ Both your parents?”
“Yeah, but Mom’s been good for three years. Since my brother died. Guess how he died? Killed himself driving a motorcycle drunk. Idiot. And Dad’s like, he doesn’t even care. Me, I’m the one’s never gonna touch that stuff. Look what it did to them.”
As he talked, his voice grew rough, and I could tell he felt it. He wasn’t just making words. I wondered if I could ever talk about my mother the way he did his, say my mom has been sober three years, and be proud. I wondered if I could talk about these last two weeks with the same kind of pride, or if I should.
“I don’t want to do that either. Be a drunk. They’re disgusting.”
He snorted as the bell rang. I looked at him, but he seemed to have forgotten we were supposed to answer the door, so I let in what seemed like a dozen people, all armed with pizza boxes.
“Pizza’s here!” Wallis pushed past me. “Hey, it’s the quiet one. Where’s Lucy? Where’s the plates? I’m starving. Gonna eat the box too if she doesn’t save it from me.”
Lucy ran in, laughing, and in a minute they were all in the middle of a pizza party that headed to the kitchen. Miguel left, too, but I cowered in the dark room. I thought about sneaking outside, sitting on the porch until Mom showed up, but I couldn’t work up the energy to move.
“Three years,” I whispered to my hands. Dad had died almost seven years ago, when I was nine. And Mom had been drinking hard since then. I tried to look ahead three years. I’d be in college. Maybe. Maybe I’d be out on my own. I could see myself but not Mom. I put the can down carefully on a coaster and stood. I’d walk those few miles home.
“Aidyn?” Lucy tiptoed into her own living room. “What’s wrong? Come and eat, girl.”
“I’m not very hungry.”
“Then come in and just hang out with us, OK? That’s why we invited you.”
We? Who was we? The whole group? Couldn’t be. Shannon was part of it.
Lucy pushed me ahead of her into the lighted kitchen, and the first thing I saw was Miguel, wearing his clown-persona again, on his knees in front of Shannon, begging for something everyone else found hilarious but I hadn’t heard.
I leaned against the oven and let Jackson hand me a slice dripping with cheese and extra grease, the paper plate nearly transparent under it. I didn’t belong here, I never would. I had a secret, even if I couldn’t keep it. And maybe that secret wasn’t all about my mom.
After a while, people began moving around, and I threw what was left of my pizza in the trash. I followed a couple of kids I didn’t know into the backyard, and skirted a pool that reflected shine but no light.
I shouldn’t have come. How could I be so stupid? I’d left Mom, and now she was probably bombed. I’d let Miguel know I didn’t care enough to get excited that she’d managed a week and a half. And I’d ruined that all by myself. Not that it mattered. Nothing good ever lasted. I just reduced it to crap.
No wonder Miguel gravitated to Shannon. Who wouldn’t? Normal Shannon lived a real life. Who would want to hang around someone who couldn’t even laugh?
And me. Miguel’s smile did more to my heart than jogging a straight mile. I couldn’t catch my breath. Didn’t want to. Out of nowhere, I fell for a pair of brown eyes when I’d been dying to catch the attention of blue. Fickle me. Did normal girls fall in and out of love and back in again, in an instant? But I’d abandoned lusting after Shannon’s boyfriend and latched onto the boy who lusted after her. Human, I might be. Sane,
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