hardly bear us being out for an evening, he’d get so twitched on his own, let alone a night.
And Emma had another dependent human being to think about now, too. Didn’t matter that some might want to argue that it was self-inflicted. It would have been hard, and would still be hard for some time to come: hard to leave the usual childish things behind her, along with all her unencumbered friends. And such a shock to the system to one day be so carefree and the next have such an enormous responsibility.
No, I couldn’t come down too hard on her because I did understand. I said so. ‘But when I said you could borrow the laptop,’ I pointed out, ‘it was on the basis that you asked me first, wasn’t it?’
She nodded glumly. But then brightened. ‘But if I play my cards right I’ll have my own soon anyway, won’t I? So it won’t be an issue, will it? And in the meantime I promise I’ll only use yours if you say it’s okay.’
‘Which is never going to be in the middle of the night, I’m afraid,’ I pointed out. After my chat with Maggie, this seemed fairly essential. ‘But what about your iPod? What happened to it? Did it break?’
‘No, I … well, actually, yes, kind of. It needed fixing and I never got it back off them after.’
‘So should we follow that up?’
Emma shook her head. ‘No, you’re all right. No need. I don’t think it was fixable.’
‘Well,’ I said, hearing the tell-tale bleat of a waking baby, ‘I’m sure Riley or Kieron will be able to find you one – I think they both still have their old ones. No vouching for what’s on them, of course – though I suspect you and Kieron share a taste in music – but he’s a music whizz so I’m sure he can sort something out for you. That way, the nights won’t seem so scary, eh?’
Which seemed to make Emma brighten. And as she skipped off to get Roman from his cot, I felt the heaviness lift. It hadn’t been nearly as bad as I’d thought. Nor would it be, I decided, when I looked in on the pair of them an hour later. They were both curled on the sofa watching – of all things – a cartoon. And the thing that most struck me was that while Roman was sucking contentedly on his bottle, Emma, her hair once again scraped into a hurried and messy ponytail, was unthinkingly sucking her thumb. Who needed the most mothering in this scenario, I thought ruefully. The truth was that, actually, they both did.
Hannah was still going to be on her three-times-a-week phase for the first few weeks Emma was with us, and scheduled to come pretty much every other day. And by the time of the third visit, which was early the following week, I’d come to see a pattern had emerged. I wasn’t privy to what had happened before she’d come to us, obviously, but I could see Hannah’s visits really loomed in Emma’s mind.
I didn’t try to draw her out on the subject – I’d simply watch and see how things developed – but what was clear was that, like a nervous beginner anticipating their next driving lesson, Emma’s mood grew increasingly anxious and raddled as the time of the next visit came around.
That the visits were necessary was not in dispute. As Roman’s social worker, Hannah’s responsibility was towards him. Where it was Maggie’s job to oversee Emma’s personal welfare, Hannah had no such professional remit. It was her job to look out for the interests of Emma’s child, and if that meant parting him from his mother, then so be it. So I was well aware that a tough assessment was vital for the baby’s welfare – I just hated seeing how much that stressed and upset Emma, who, knowing she’d be on show and scrutinised, presumably, would become negative and fatalistic and all fingers and thumbs. It almost felt like a self-fulfilling prophecy – a bit like being so nervous about your driving test that you shake so much you can barely drive. Except the stakes were way higher than being stuck with getting the bus. It was a cycle I
And Emma had another dependent human being to think about now, too. Didn’t matter that some might want to argue that it was self-inflicted. It would have been hard, and would still be hard for some time to come: hard to leave the usual childish things behind her, along with all her unencumbered friends. And such a shock to the system to one day be so carefree and the next have such an enormous responsibility.
No, I couldn’t come down too hard on her because I did understand. I said so. ‘But when I said you could borrow the laptop,’ I pointed out, ‘it was on the basis that you asked me first, wasn’t it?’
She nodded glumly. But then brightened. ‘But if I play my cards right I’ll have my own soon anyway, won’t I? So it won’t be an issue, will it? And in the meantime I promise I’ll only use yours if you say it’s okay.’
‘Which is never going to be in the middle of the night, I’m afraid,’ I pointed out. After my chat with Maggie, this seemed fairly essential. ‘But what about your iPod? What happened to it? Did it break?’
‘No, I … well, actually, yes, kind of. It needed fixing and I never got it back off them after.’
‘So should we follow that up?’
Emma shook her head. ‘No, you’re all right. No need. I don’t think it was fixable.’
‘Well,’ I said, hearing the tell-tale bleat of a waking baby, ‘I’m sure Riley or Kieron will be able to find you one – I think they both still have their old ones. No vouching for what’s on them, of course – though I suspect you and Kieron share a taste in music – but he’s a music whizz so I’m sure he can sort something out for you. That way, the nights won’t seem so scary, eh?’
Which seemed to make Emma brighten. And as she skipped off to get Roman from his cot, I felt the heaviness lift. It hadn’t been nearly as bad as I’d thought. Nor would it be, I decided, when I looked in on the pair of them an hour later. They were both curled on the sofa watching – of all things – a cartoon. And the thing that most struck me was that while Roman was sucking contentedly on his bottle, Emma, her hair once again scraped into a hurried and messy ponytail, was unthinkingly sucking her thumb. Who needed the most mothering in this scenario, I thought ruefully. The truth was that, actually, they both did.
Hannah was still going to be on her three-times-a-week phase for the first few weeks Emma was with us, and scheduled to come pretty much every other day. And by the time of the third visit, which was early the following week, I’d come to see a pattern had emerged. I wasn’t privy to what had happened before she’d come to us, obviously, but I could see Hannah’s visits really loomed in Emma’s mind.
I didn’t try to draw her out on the subject – I’d simply watch and see how things developed – but what was clear was that, like a nervous beginner anticipating their next driving lesson, Emma’s mood grew increasingly anxious and raddled as the time of the next visit came around.
That the visits were necessary was not in dispute. As Roman’s social worker, Hannah’s responsibility was towards him. Where it was Maggie’s job to oversee Emma’s personal welfare, Hannah had no such professional remit. It was her job to look out for the interests of Emma’s child, and if that meant parting him from his mother, then so be it. So I was well aware that a tough assessment was vital for the baby’s welfare – I just hated seeing how much that stressed and upset Emma, who, knowing she’d be on show and scrutinised, presumably, would become negative and fatalistic and all fingers and thumbs. It almost felt like a self-fulfilling prophecy – a bit like being so nervous about your driving test that you shake so much you can barely drive. Except the stakes were way higher than being stuck with getting the bus. It was a cycle I
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