A to Z of You and Me by James Hannah Page A

this my heart? A heart attack? No, chest pains.
    What if it was?
    Push the button?
    She should have sided with me, Laura.
    Fucking— I was the one she should have supported. Her own brother.
    She made her choice.
    Trying to have it both ways now.
    No.
    Fuck, fuck, this is it. Fuck.
    Push the button. Where’s the button?
    There. Did that push?
    Did that click?
    There. I set that buzzer off down the hall. I think that’s what I did, with the button. Too late to go back now. Can’t unpush.
    How many die of politeness?
    C… C… Corpse.
    Body. My body.
    No.
    â€œHello, you all right?”
    Sheila.
    â€œI’m… I can’t…”
    â€œTrouble breathing? OK, wait a minute. I’ll be back in a tick, OK?”
    She knows. It was the right thing to do. Push the button. Not making a fuss.
    â€œHere we go.” She wheels an oxygen canister before her and carries a mask. Serious shit. Big deal, big deal. “OK, I’m just going to get you to sit up more here. And then we can get you some oxygen.”
    â€œI’m—”
    â€œDon’t talk, now. Let’s get you sitting up. Right, now, if you hold this mask. I’m just going to—”
    Small olive-skinned hands fumble with knobs on the canister.
    â€œOK, I think that’s… Can you just give me that?” She takes the mask back off me and looks at it. “No, it’s… This is the one that’s been playing up a bit.” She fumbles more. “Sorry, sorry, wait a minute. I’ll go fetch Jef to give us a hand.”
    She walks out briskly, comes back to deactivate my buzzer, then walks out briskly.
    No panic, now, no. She’s on the case. Sheila’s on the case. Trained and able.
    Come on, come on.
    Your hand in mine, mine in yours. Tight, tight.
    Enthusiastic you.
    Yeah, you can do it.
    I can do it.
    Of course you can.
    Of course I can.
    This is going to happen.
    Sheila again, trailed by Jef.
    â€œâ€¦it’s been playing up, and I think it’s to do with the valve at the top. Because it’s not been right since—”
    They fuss and meddle with it a bit, alternately taking the mask and trying it at their own noses.
    Sheila looks down at me. “Sorry about this. How are you doing? Can’t clear your lungs properly?” I shake my head. “It’s all right. I’ll get the other one if we can’t… Oh, wait, oh, there we go.”
    Jef passes me the mask. Triangle of rubbery plastic over my nose and mouth.
    â€œThere now,” says Sheila. “Hold that to your face, OK? Don’t worry, it’ll pass, it’ll pass. I want you to concentrate on getting your breathing down, to slow down, so it’s more comfortable, OK? Breathe normally there, don’t try any great gulps, and just take in the oxygen. It’s going to help you.”
    Jef gives me a small smile and leaves.
    â€œThere we go,” says Sheila. “Keep it on your nose and mouth, all right? You need to make sure you’ve got a good bit of oxygen going into your system.”
    Through the door, I hear the woman in the next room has started up her groans again.
    Uhhh .
    â€œOh, hello,” says Sheila. “Old Faithful’s started up again.” She smiles at me.
    â€œI’m…I’m sorry,” I say. “Causing all this bother.”
    â€œYou’re all right,” she says, thrusting her hands into her tunic pockets and balancing absently on one foot like a young girl. “I’ve got to earn my wages somehow, haven’t I? OK, I’m just going to look in on her now. Keep that mask on until you’re feeling better. I’ve reset your buzzer, but press it again if you want anything, OK? Don’t hesitate. That’s what it’s there for.”
    Come on now, baby.
    What have you got to say to me?
    What would you say?
    Think calm. Get yourself into a good state of mind, and it’ll come. Easy.
    Easy.