to
break out the Drill Sargent on you... and you know it.”
Yes, I was familiar with Mr. Gonna Push
You Drill Sargent. Bossy, always-right-cuz-he's-alpha-male, do-things-his-way
Dmitri was a real treat to deal with when it emerged. It doesn't happen often
since he finally learned to relax, but when it does, there's no mistaking it.
“I know he's not perfect. If he was
perfect, then Lorryn wouldn't have made a difference back in the day.. Being
too nice to females has always been Dmitri's downfall. If he was perfect, he
would have gotten out from beneath her thumb long ago. Instead, he let her walk
all over him. She kept him away from his friends and cheated on him, and he
just accepted it. He's stubborn, goes behind my back to do things he knows I'd
disapprove of, and worst of all, leaves the toilet seat up half the time-- by
the way, that half the time is always at night. And his sense of loyalty has
been known to be astoundingly skewed. Again, reference Lorryn.”
“Like you're one to talk.” She deepened
her voice and became a bobble-head. “Hello, my name is Moobs and I'm an abusive
assjacket fucktard hell bent on destroying a person's will to live...” Her
natural voice made its return. “You put up with that fucker and his shit for
three years. Talk about a skewed sense of loyalty.”
I didn't want to think of He Who Sucks.
If I could banish the thought if him lurking around the borders of my mental
kingdom, I would. It upset me to know that the moment Dmitri proposed got
ruined by two things: Vomit Volcano and equating the experience with Mike's
presence. No, make that three things. The high anxiety towards my own wedding is
an uncool factor, too.
Jet's voice trailed off, then picked up
again on a different tangent. “What the fuck did Dmitri see in her? Did she
have some massive tatas or something equally impressive? You were her friend...
gimme the dirt on her. I heard she moved back up here. Let's discuss strategy
for handling that psycho.”
She and I had rehashed Moobs more than
once. Her point was well taken and so I responded only to her query about
Lorryn. “Actually no.... there was a rhyme that went around when she transferred
up here in high school that made it a point to comment upon her lack of
chesticles.” Roses are red, violets are black... why is your chest as flat
as your back? ”Honestly, I don't know. Maybe it was just cuz she was into
him. I didn't witness it firsthand. She was living in Sacramento with her
biological mom when she and Dmitri dated. She appealed to him on some level, I
guess. She in Chico?”
“No, Forest Ranch.”
“How do you know?”
“Soccer moms gossip, you know, during
story time. So was she hot? Or an intellectual hottie like you? Because he
totally digs the brains. Yummy, but not a zombie's definition of yummy brains.”
“She wasn't fugly but she wasn't
gorgeous. She was an average American girl. Lorryn was a cheerleader too, so
she couldn't be considered too horse-faced. Why you drilling me on her?”
“Cuz you brought her up. And although I
know bits and pieces, I don't know the whole sordid saga of that particular
cluster-fuck you were involved in. I know she dated Dimi, broke up with him,
and then somehow got you and Dmitri together back in the day, just to break you
guys up. I know way more about you and Dimi finally getting together than I do
about all you kids back in the day.”
“She tried her hand at hooking us up for
the Winter Festival dance when they broke up for the umpteenth time. I ended up
going with a vertically challenged guy friend who was right at boob level when
I wore heels. Luckily for us both he only slow-danced with me once.”
“Why didn't you go with Dimi? Thought
you had the permahots for him.” She mirrored technique as she colored in roses
at her end of the scarf.
“Because I didn't know him at the time.
And then there was Lorryn. She didn't mind him taking me to a dance but any
other activity was frowned upon.
break out the Drill Sargent on you... and you know it.”
Yes, I was familiar with Mr. Gonna Push
You Drill Sargent. Bossy, always-right-cuz-he's-alpha-male, do-things-his-way
Dmitri was a real treat to deal with when it emerged. It doesn't happen often
since he finally learned to relax, but when it does, there's no mistaking it.
“I know he's not perfect. If he was
perfect, then Lorryn wouldn't have made a difference back in the day.. Being
too nice to females has always been Dmitri's downfall. If he was perfect, he
would have gotten out from beneath her thumb long ago. Instead, he let her walk
all over him. She kept him away from his friends and cheated on him, and he
just accepted it. He's stubborn, goes behind my back to do things he knows I'd
disapprove of, and worst of all, leaves the toilet seat up half the time-- by
the way, that half the time is always at night. And his sense of loyalty has
been known to be astoundingly skewed. Again, reference Lorryn.”
“Like you're one to talk.” She deepened
her voice and became a bobble-head. “Hello, my name is Moobs and I'm an abusive
assjacket fucktard hell bent on destroying a person's will to live...” Her
natural voice made its return. “You put up with that fucker and his shit for
three years. Talk about a skewed sense of loyalty.”
I didn't want to think of He Who Sucks.
If I could banish the thought if him lurking around the borders of my mental
kingdom, I would. It upset me to know that the moment Dmitri proposed got
ruined by two things: Vomit Volcano and equating the experience with Mike's
presence. No, make that three things. The high anxiety towards my own wedding is
an uncool factor, too.
Jet's voice trailed off, then picked up
again on a different tangent. “What the fuck did Dmitri see in her? Did she
have some massive tatas or something equally impressive? You were her friend...
gimme the dirt on her. I heard she moved back up here. Let's discuss strategy
for handling that psycho.”
She and I had rehashed Moobs more than
once. Her point was well taken and so I responded only to her query about
Lorryn. “Actually no.... there was a rhyme that went around when she transferred
up here in high school that made it a point to comment upon her lack of
chesticles.” Roses are red, violets are black... why is your chest as flat
as your back? ”Honestly, I don't know. Maybe it was just cuz she was into
him. I didn't witness it firsthand. She was living in Sacramento with her
biological mom when she and Dmitri dated. She appealed to him on some level, I
guess. She in Chico?”
“No, Forest Ranch.”
“How do you know?”
“Soccer moms gossip, you know, during
story time. So was she hot? Or an intellectual hottie like you? Because he
totally digs the brains. Yummy, but not a zombie's definition of yummy brains.”
“She wasn't fugly but she wasn't
gorgeous. She was an average American girl. Lorryn was a cheerleader too, so
she couldn't be considered too horse-faced. Why you drilling me on her?”
“Cuz you brought her up. And although I
know bits and pieces, I don't know the whole sordid saga of that particular
cluster-fuck you were involved in. I know she dated Dimi, broke up with him,
and then somehow got you and Dmitri together back in the day, just to break you
guys up. I know way more about you and Dimi finally getting together than I do
about all you kids back in the day.”
“She tried her hand at hooking us up for
the Winter Festival dance when they broke up for the umpteenth time. I ended up
going with a vertically challenged guy friend who was right at boob level when
I wore heels. Luckily for us both he only slow-danced with me once.”
“Why didn't you go with Dimi? Thought
you had the permahots for him.” She mirrored technique as she colored in roses
at her end of the scarf.
“Because I didn't know him at the time.
And then there was Lorryn. She didn't mind him taking me to a dance but any
other activity was frowned upon.
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