not it. I’m embarrassed …Jeez.” I pluck another Kleenex from the box. “I’m not even sure I can talk to anybody from home. I’m afraid I won’t know how to chat about things, you know, normal things.”
“Is there somebody in your family who could help you with that?”
“Nobody in my family ever had this kind of trouble.”
“Everybody has problems.”
“Not my family. If they do, they don’t talk about it.”
“So you’re saying your family has never had a problem of any kind?”
“My dad died. That’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to our family. And my oldest sister got pregnant in high school. I guess that’s no big deal, but it sure seemed like it at the time.”
“What about Jeff’s family?”
“They’re nice, but sort of rigid, German and Finnish.”
“Is Jeff like that, rigid, as you say?”
“Jeff’s a nice guy. Everybody likes him. He loves his parents, stops over to visit them, helps them out. Jeff wants to please.”
“It sounds like you think that’s a bad thing.”
“Maybe …I don’t know. I guess it’s a good thing …”
“How do you feel about Jeff visiting?”
“I don’t know what to say to him.”
“Why is that?”
“He let me down. I can’t imagine how he could dump me off here. It’s unbelievable, really.”
“In what way?”
“I’m not crazy. But he brings me here, locks me up like an animal? My Lord, I’m plenty good enough when I’m all together, and when I need him the most, he gets rid of me.”
“Can you talk to him about that?”
“I don’t want to hurt his feelings.”
“I see. Maybe I can help you with that. And when you’re ready to begin transitioning home, we can offer you family therapy.”
“Without my little boy, I don’t have a family.”
“Have you remembered anything more, Luanne?”
“Not really, snippets of the funeral home, the service …not much else. I’m still trying to accept …he’s gone.” I grab a wad of Kleenex and hold it to my face. “None of the letters say anything about it. It’s like nobody will tell me what happened. I know I tried to kill myself. Jeff told me about that.”
“What did he say?”
“That Saturday he had worked afternoon shift at the foundry. It was just thirty minutes before the shift-change whistle put him out of his misery.”
“What kind of foundry?”
“Jeff said, If hell had a basement, it was there where the blast furnace melted dune sand into engine cores for General Motors. He pretty much hated the job. His eyes and ears were protected, but the sand found its way most everywhere else. From what he said, he and Bill Murphy shoveled their last pile in the core molds when the foreman tapped Jeff on the shoulder and motioned him out. A young police officer, his hand on his nightstick, stood by the drinking fountain. He nodded and waited for Jeff to pull out his earplugs.”
“Go on.”
“I guess the cop asked him if his wife was Luanne Kilpi. Told him a young couple had been smoking weed in Ojibwe Park when they spotted me floating down the river.”
“He must have been terrified.”
“Yeah. The cop said I was at St. Mary’s and Jeff ran out the loading door to the back parking lot before he realized he had carpooled with Bill. I asked him why he didn’t ask the officer for a ride, but he just shook his head. Said he sprinted all the way to St. Mary’s in his steel-toe boots. He must’ve been scared, running all that way on such a cold night.”
“I’m so sorry, Luanne.”
“I didn’t do it on purpose …”
“What?”
“Try to drown myself. I’d never do that …I can’t even believe I did. Everything is so unbelievable to me. I want to talk to Jeff about it when he visits.”
“That might be a good idea, Luanne.”
“If I can work up the courage.”
The attendant walks me back through the tunnels to Hall 9. I replay my meeting with the doctor. I shouldn’t have complained about Jeff. He’s doing the best he can. For
“Is there somebody in your family who could help you with that?”
“Nobody in my family ever had this kind of trouble.”
“Everybody has problems.”
“Not my family. If they do, they don’t talk about it.”
“So you’re saying your family has never had a problem of any kind?”
“My dad died. That’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to our family. And my oldest sister got pregnant in high school. I guess that’s no big deal, but it sure seemed like it at the time.”
“What about Jeff’s family?”
“They’re nice, but sort of rigid, German and Finnish.”
“Is Jeff like that, rigid, as you say?”
“Jeff’s a nice guy. Everybody likes him. He loves his parents, stops over to visit them, helps them out. Jeff wants to please.”
“It sounds like you think that’s a bad thing.”
“Maybe …I don’t know. I guess it’s a good thing …”
“How do you feel about Jeff visiting?”
“I don’t know what to say to him.”
“Why is that?”
“He let me down. I can’t imagine how he could dump me off here. It’s unbelievable, really.”
“In what way?”
“I’m not crazy. But he brings me here, locks me up like an animal? My Lord, I’m plenty good enough when I’m all together, and when I need him the most, he gets rid of me.”
“Can you talk to him about that?”
“I don’t want to hurt his feelings.”
“I see. Maybe I can help you with that. And when you’re ready to begin transitioning home, we can offer you family therapy.”
“Without my little boy, I don’t have a family.”
“Have you remembered anything more, Luanne?”
“Not really, snippets of the funeral home, the service …not much else. I’m still trying to accept …he’s gone.” I grab a wad of Kleenex and hold it to my face. “None of the letters say anything about it. It’s like nobody will tell me what happened. I know I tried to kill myself. Jeff told me about that.”
“What did he say?”
“That Saturday he had worked afternoon shift at the foundry. It was just thirty minutes before the shift-change whistle put him out of his misery.”
“What kind of foundry?”
“Jeff said, If hell had a basement, it was there where the blast furnace melted dune sand into engine cores for General Motors. He pretty much hated the job. His eyes and ears were protected, but the sand found its way most everywhere else. From what he said, he and Bill Murphy shoveled their last pile in the core molds when the foreman tapped Jeff on the shoulder and motioned him out. A young police officer, his hand on his nightstick, stood by the drinking fountain. He nodded and waited for Jeff to pull out his earplugs.”
“Go on.”
“I guess the cop asked him if his wife was Luanne Kilpi. Told him a young couple had been smoking weed in Ojibwe Park when they spotted me floating down the river.”
“He must have been terrified.”
“Yeah. The cop said I was at St. Mary’s and Jeff ran out the loading door to the back parking lot before he realized he had carpooled with Bill. I asked him why he didn’t ask the officer for a ride, but he just shook his head. Said he sprinted all the way to St. Mary’s in his steel-toe boots. He must’ve been scared, running all that way on such a cold night.”
“I’m so sorry, Luanne.”
“I didn’t do it on purpose …”
“What?”
“Try to drown myself. I’d never do that …I can’t even believe I did. Everything is so unbelievable to me. I want to talk to Jeff about it when he visits.”
“That might be a good idea, Luanne.”
“If I can work up the courage.”
The attendant walks me back through the tunnels to Hall 9. I replay my meeting with the doctor. I shouldn’t have complained about Jeff. He’s doing the best he can. For
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