Again by Lisa Burstein Page A

creak. Knew she was sitting
back, maybe putting her feet up on the desk. One of her few pleasures in a work
day; I knew lunch with me had been another.
    “Sorry
I’m not there for salmon rolls today.” I always had lunch with Veronica. David
was busy with clients or other partners.
    Our
time together was usually after hours, the janitorial crew working outside his
locked office door while we did a little cleaning of each other with our skin
and tongues. Sometimes we’d do it on top of his desk, but usually I was under
it, his hand on the top of my head like he was reminding me I was there for him.
    He’d
never cared about my drinking when it was the two of us. Being wasted made for
hotter sex. But, when everyone saw who I really was at the company party, or
maybe when he saw who I really was through everyone else, that had been it.
    I
shoved the thought away.
    “Been
brown bagging it,” she said. “I’m saving so much money, I’m thinking of coming
to visit.”
    “You
should.” My voice rose, loud enough so even the laughing girls noticed.
    “I’ll
give you a little more time to get settled first.”  
    I knew
what she meant. She probably suspected I wouldn’t last a whole semester anyway.
As much as she loved me and wanted the best for me, maybe in some ways she hoped
I wouldn’t.
    I’d
had her and David at my job. But, the job itself, the grind of waking up and
being there and the hours and days becoming years, stretching out and cracking
like old leather, was suffocating, debilitating—enough to make you emotionless.
    Enough
to make you jealous of anyone who had been able to escape, even if that person
was your best friend.
    Maybe
David had been a distraction and drinking every night just something to do.
Most people throw themselves into sex and drugs so they don’t have to feel. I
wondered if my reasons were just the opposite.
    When
we hung up I took out my newly issued student ID. I’d decided to do a duck face
for the picture. It was ridiculous, my lips like I’d been given too much Novocain
at the dentist. I glanced at the laughing girls. I was doing my best to look
like them, making the choices I thought they would make given the chance to do
it again, but I was not like them.
    There
was one fundamental difference between us. I knew what a sham life was once you
left college. How nothing was ever as good as you pictured it would be.

Chapter Nine
    Carter
    Heading back to the dorm with Tristan, I
couldn’t stop checking my phone. I was probably going to be late.
    I hated being late. It made me feel out
of control. If there was one thing I prided myself on after my freshman year,
it was being very much in control.
    Ironically, it was the only thing I had
control over.
    That need was part of the reason I went
to the library every night at seven. Why I woke every morning at six whether I
needed to or not. There was a calmness that came from doing everything at the
same time every day. You knew exactly what you could expect. It also made it a
lot easier not to hope for more.
    “I’m pretty sure I’m not that boring,”
Tristan sighed, indicating my phone, his breath dark gray in the cold.
    “You sure?” I joked, knocking him with
my elbow.
    The sun was setting and transforming the
snow covered campus into an oversaturated watercolor painting, the drifts and
buildings reflecting soft oranges and pinks. It was much too beautiful to rush,
but sometimes rushing to get to the next thing was the only thing that made
sense.
    “I’d ask if you have a date but I think
I know the answer,” he joked back, hitting me with his elbow a little harder
than I’d jabbed him.
    We were like Laurel and Hardy, except here
everyone thought Laurel was a rapist, and Hardy liked guys.
    “Dinner duty at the humane society,” I
explained. I needed to be there by five o-clock p.m. if I wanted to eat and
then be at the library by seven.
    “There’s the answer,” he replied,
shaking his head, his mouth a straight