to, just how I liked it. There was a time when authority had made me
feel safe, cherished, and even loved, but that time had passed away like the
ending of my childhood. Dr. Bradley had just proved that point all over again.
No one could be fully trusted with who I’d become.
So much of who I used
to be had either died from pure starvation or from suffocation. Those who had
been close to me, either as a friend, colleague, neighbor or family member,
were the first to be pushed aside in the weeks that followed the accident.
Stacie was the only exception, but even she was kept at arm’s length. I hadn’t
anticipated the gossip, whispers, or awkward conversations that seemed to
linger wherever I went.
Death’s wake had a way
of unleashing the worst in people.
Leaving Dallas had been
my most logical choice, despite the protests of many. Ironically though, it was
that same many who spoke carelessly about the irreversible damage that
had been done to me: the survivor of such a horrific tragedy. They did
not get a vote.
There were no goodbyes.
My conscience had
stayed quiet until the evening of my departure. I had sworn Jack and Stacie to
secrecy days before I left, knowing when I did that they would not let me take
a taxi to the airport like I had wanted to.
I finally agreed to let
them take me, after much debate. Truthfully, they were the only two people I
could count on. As they drove me to the airport, I stared at the one-way ticket
to Phoenix in my hand.
After overhearing my
mother sob that I was “wrecked for life” to my father who consoled her, I kept
the date a secret. I would call when I arrived.
My pain was like a car
in overdrive after hearing that. It raced around recklessly, oblivious that it
hit every speed bump at maximum capacity. It never stopped to check for
damages.
I was certain I would never
get ahead of the pain, but I had to try.
Leaving was my only
option.
Jack had carried my
luggage to the ticket counter. Quietly, he walked me to security as Stacie
lagged behind us, crying. We had never been apart. Even through my college
years I had chosen to stay close to home, for her.
Stacie reminded me
often of how long she’d prayed for a baby sister when she was young. My mom had
told her she just needed to be happyas a “lucky only child”. But as luck would have it, the answer to her prayers came in the way of an unexpected
pregnancy. Stacie was given a baby sister, and my parents were given a second
child. Though we had our drama moments growing up, she had always been my one
true confidant in life.
She was my best friend.
“You’re sure you want
to go through with this, Tori? It’s not too late to decide to stay. You can
live with us and take as much time as you need to...figure things out.” Jack
squeezed my shoulders with his hands as he looked down at me.
“I know. Thank you
Jack…but I’m sure.”
I was sure I needed to
leave, but doubted that time would fix anything, much less help me to ‘figure
things out’.
“I love you little sis,
more than I could ever say,” Jack said, emotion thick in his voice.
Stacie moved to stand
in front of me then, her eyes red and swollen. They were puffier than I’d ever
seen them, including the night before her wedding. The night she had blubbered
hysterically through her rehearsal dinner speech over the “great catch” she’d
found in Jack. Public speaking did that to Stacie.
Microphones were kept
far out of her reach after that.
This tearful moment, however,
was certainly not spurred out of a grateful heart. Her sorrow had filled every
inch of the air around us. I hated that I was causing her pain, but I was
trapped in my own pain-prison, and there was no way to get out.
She grabbed my hands as
she sobbed for what felt like an eternity. Finally, a strong resolution filled
her face. She had pulled it together—one last moment—for me.
“I love you, Tori. I’ll
be praying for you every day…don’t forget that.”
Her voice
feel safe, cherished, and even loved, but that time had passed away like the
ending of my childhood. Dr. Bradley had just proved that point all over again.
No one could be fully trusted with who I’d become.
So much of who I used
to be had either died from pure starvation or from suffocation. Those who had
been close to me, either as a friend, colleague, neighbor or family member,
were the first to be pushed aside in the weeks that followed the accident.
Stacie was the only exception, but even she was kept at arm’s length. I hadn’t
anticipated the gossip, whispers, or awkward conversations that seemed to
linger wherever I went.
Death’s wake had a way
of unleashing the worst in people.
Leaving Dallas had been
my most logical choice, despite the protests of many. Ironically though, it was
that same many who spoke carelessly about the irreversible damage that
had been done to me: the survivor of such a horrific tragedy. They did
not get a vote.
There were no goodbyes.
My conscience had
stayed quiet until the evening of my departure. I had sworn Jack and Stacie to
secrecy days before I left, knowing when I did that they would not let me take
a taxi to the airport like I had wanted to.
I finally agreed to let
them take me, after much debate. Truthfully, they were the only two people I
could count on. As they drove me to the airport, I stared at the one-way ticket
to Phoenix in my hand.
After overhearing my
mother sob that I was “wrecked for life” to my father who consoled her, I kept
the date a secret. I would call when I arrived.
My pain was like a car
in overdrive after hearing that. It raced around recklessly, oblivious that it
hit every speed bump at maximum capacity. It never stopped to check for
damages.
I was certain I would never
get ahead of the pain, but I had to try.
Leaving was my only
option.
Jack had carried my
luggage to the ticket counter. Quietly, he walked me to security as Stacie
lagged behind us, crying. We had never been apart. Even through my college
years I had chosen to stay close to home, for her.
Stacie reminded me
often of how long she’d prayed for a baby sister when she was young. My mom had
told her she just needed to be happyas a “lucky only child”. But as luck would have it, the answer to her prayers came in the way of an unexpected
pregnancy. Stacie was given a baby sister, and my parents were given a second
child. Though we had our drama moments growing up, she had always been my one
true confidant in life.
She was my best friend.
“You’re sure you want
to go through with this, Tori? It’s not too late to decide to stay. You can
live with us and take as much time as you need to...figure things out.” Jack
squeezed my shoulders with his hands as he looked down at me.
“I know. Thank you
Jack…but I’m sure.”
I was sure I needed to
leave, but doubted that time would fix anything, much less help me to ‘figure
things out’.
“I love you little sis,
more than I could ever say,” Jack said, emotion thick in his voice.
Stacie moved to stand
in front of me then, her eyes red and swollen. They were puffier than I’d ever
seen them, including the night before her wedding. The night she had blubbered
hysterically through her rehearsal dinner speech over the “great catch” she’d
found in Jack. Public speaking did that to Stacie.
Microphones were kept
far out of her reach after that.
This tearful moment, however,
was certainly not spurred out of a grateful heart. Her sorrow had filled every
inch of the air around us. I hated that I was causing her pain, but I was
trapped in my own pain-prison, and there was no way to get out.
She grabbed my hands as
she sobbed for what felt like an eternity. Finally, a strong resolution filled
her face. She had pulled it together—one last moment—for me.
“I love you, Tori. I’ll
be praying for you every day…don’t forget that.”
Her voice
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