Aloha From Hell

Aloha From Hell by Richard Kadrey Page A

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Authors: Richard Kadrey
Tags: Fiction, General, Fantasy, Contemporary
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neither of them has a phone.
    I push back into Roscoe’s through the front door. Everyone in the place is looking at me like they’re expecting the crazy man in the coat to set off the bomb he’s obviously hiding.
    I go to the table and show Candy the message.
    “Tell me this isn’t you or Vidocq. Or something one of you set up with Julia.”
    She shakes her head.
    “Vidocq wouldn’t and I didn’t,” she says. I look at her and let the angel out for a second so he can look, too. He sees what I see. She’s telling the truth.
    I take a couple of the hundreds I grabbed from my stash of vampire money last night. Drop the money on the table and nod for Candy to follow me out. We double-time it back to Hollywood Boulevard to get lost in the tourist crowd before one of the solid citizens back at the restaurant dials 911.
    I say, “Do me a favor.”
    “What?”
    “I’m a little agitated and don’t want to have to explain anything. Do me a favor and call Vidocq. Tell him I want in on the case. I don’t like threats and I hate crank calls.”
    Candy puts her robot glasses on.
    “At least whoever it was thinks I’m pretty.”
    “Even assholes can have good taste.”
    T HERE’S A PARKING lot less than a block from the Beat Hotel. Vidocq hates riding in stolen cars, so I look for one that will make him the least unhappy and settle on a brown Volvo 240, one of the most boring cars in the world. No one, especially a cop, will look twice at a Volvo, especially one the color of a Swedish turd.
    I leave Candy in the idling car, go into the room at the hotel, and ditch my burned shirt for a clean one. I always heig. I alwave the knife and na’at with me, but on the way out I grab the Smith & Wesson .460. You don’t have to shoot an elephant with a gun this big and powerful. You just hit it on the knee with the butt and the elephant will give you all of its lunch money. When he sees me slip the gun into my coat pocket, Kasabian shakes his head, which, in his case, is his whole body.
    “I knew they’d drag you in. You can’t stay away from trouble.”
    “Can I help it if trouble has me on speed dial?”
    “Have fun, sucker.”
    “Vaya con Dios, Alfredo Garcia.”
    Sola already gave Vidocq the Sentenza family’s address, so I pick him up and we head north on the Hollywood Freeway.
    S TUDIO C ITY IS the kind of place where the poor have to settle for two-million-dollar “luxury properties” instead of mansions. The only difference between them and the genuinely rich in the hills is that they have to get by with one pool and they can’t park a 747 in their two-story living room, though they can probably squeeze in a decent-size blimp. There are fake villas with fake Roman mosaics out front and fake castles with wrought-iron gates like Henry VIII is going to stop by with guacamole for the keg party.
    Lucky for everyone, the address Julia gave us belongs to a place on Coldwater Canyon Avenue with nothing but a long snaking driveway. No monarchist gates, armed guards, or a giant hermetically sealed Jetsons dome.
    At the end of the drive, a gold Lexus is parked next to a clean but well-used Ford pickup. There are streaks of mud and dried cement around the truck’s wheel wells. We get out and follow a stone path to the front door. I ring the bell.
    A woman opens the door a second later. She’s obviously been waiting for us. She’s about fifty and pretty, with short dark hair and a high-quality chin tuck.
    “Oh,” she says, all the hope and brightness disappearing from her eyes.
    It’s Hunter’s mom. I can see the resemblance from one of the photos back at the bar. Mom takes one look at my scarred face and I can practically see the words home invasion with multiple fatalities spinning around her brain like the dragon in a Chinese New Year’s parade.
    I say, “Mrs. Sentenza. Julia Sola sent us.”
    She relaxes. The storm in her brain clears and her blood pressure drops to below aneurysm levels. Her little freak-out

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