freezing to death on a canal boat,” Catherine said.
“It is fair,” Jimmy said. “The girls need something constant in their lives. They’ve grown up here, Leila was born here while I played Clapton to her so it would be the first thing she ever heard. I want to keep this place for them. And besides, I’m moaning now but you wait, in the summer that boat’s a little bit of paradise. The chicks really dig it.”
Catherine found herself laughing.
“It’s just that you’re getting on now,” she reminded Jimmy playfully. “You don’t want to be getting arthritis in this weather.”
“Hey, lady,” Jimmy warned her with a grin. “I’m still young. I’ve still got it all ahead of me.”
“Have you?” Catherine asked, skeptically.
“ ’Course I have, and so have you.”
“Have I?” Catherine said. “Sometimes I think I don’t want anything new in my life. I think that just the way it is now is enough for me. I love the girls, and you and I are friends now, more or less. Everything’s ordered and calm. If all I had in front of me was fifty more years of the same I’d be happy enough.”
“Happy enough? Happy enough isn’t enough. If it was, then Billy would have kept taking his medication and living half a life and I’d have given up my music years ago and become a postman. I’ve thought I’d quite like the early mornings and the uniform,” Jimmy said, making Catherine smile just as he intended. “Everybody needs to be loved, everybody needs to love someone.”
“And some people need to love everyone,” Catherine added wryly.
“I don’t, though,” Jimmy said, tipping his head back on the sofa and looking at the ceiling. “I don’t love anyone. Not since us. But I know I will love someone again and that someone will love me, because I need that to happen and so do you, it’s what makes us human.”
Catherine wanted to disagree with him but she couldn’t quite bring herself to do it.
“I’d better get going,” Jimmy said after a while, finishing his glass of wine. “If I don’t get the stove lit now I’ll be a block of ice in the morning and frozen corpses hardly ever have number one hits on iTunes. I’ll leave the electric here if you don’t mind. If the damp gets into her she’ll be knackered.”
He kissed Catherine briefly on the lips as she stood up to let him out, and then with his hand on the latch of the door he turned around and looked at her.
“Look, I don’t know why I’m saying this—but try to remember the last time you were really in love, Catherine, the last time your heart burst out of your chest every time you thought about that person. The nights you spent awake just dreaming about what it would feel like to touch them, longing for their arms around you. He hurt you, I know he did, and she let you down and left you alone to cope with everything. But sometimes I think when you buried the hurt and the pain they left you with, you buried a bit of yourself as well. I know it’s none of my business anymore, but I’m only saying you deserve to be loved, so try to remember what it felt like and then maybe, when the time comes, you’ll be able to let it happen again. I want to see you happy.”
Jimmy nodded once and then closed the door carefully behind him so as not to wake the girls.
Catherine tweaked back her curtains and watched himhunched up against the cold as he marched stalwartly toward the canal, his hair whipped by the wind, clutching his guitar by its neck.
Despite everything, he was still the only person on the planet who really knew her, who understood her better than she understood herself.
Five
I t had been almost unbearably hot on the day she had met Marc James.
For most of the summer holiday Catherine had been required either to help her mother in the church bookshop she ran or to do a long list of chores at home that Catherine felt sure had been invented to stop her from leaving the house. But occasionally
“It is fair,” Jimmy said. “The girls need something constant in their lives. They’ve grown up here, Leila was born here while I played Clapton to her so it would be the first thing she ever heard. I want to keep this place for them. And besides, I’m moaning now but you wait, in the summer that boat’s a little bit of paradise. The chicks really dig it.”
Catherine found herself laughing.
“It’s just that you’re getting on now,” she reminded Jimmy playfully. “You don’t want to be getting arthritis in this weather.”
“Hey, lady,” Jimmy warned her with a grin. “I’m still young. I’ve still got it all ahead of me.”
“Have you?” Catherine asked, skeptically.
“ ’Course I have, and so have you.”
“Have I?” Catherine said. “Sometimes I think I don’t want anything new in my life. I think that just the way it is now is enough for me. I love the girls, and you and I are friends now, more or less. Everything’s ordered and calm. If all I had in front of me was fifty more years of the same I’d be happy enough.”
“Happy enough? Happy enough isn’t enough. If it was, then Billy would have kept taking his medication and living half a life and I’d have given up my music years ago and become a postman. I’ve thought I’d quite like the early mornings and the uniform,” Jimmy said, making Catherine smile just as he intended. “Everybody needs to be loved, everybody needs to love someone.”
“And some people need to love everyone,” Catherine added wryly.
“I don’t, though,” Jimmy said, tipping his head back on the sofa and looking at the ceiling. “I don’t love anyone. Not since us. But I know I will love someone again and that someone will love me, because I need that to happen and so do you, it’s what makes us human.”
Catherine wanted to disagree with him but she couldn’t quite bring herself to do it.
“I’d better get going,” Jimmy said after a while, finishing his glass of wine. “If I don’t get the stove lit now I’ll be a block of ice in the morning and frozen corpses hardly ever have number one hits on iTunes. I’ll leave the electric here if you don’t mind. If the damp gets into her she’ll be knackered.”
He kissed Catherine briefly on the lips as she stood up to let him out, and then with his hand on the latch of the door he turned around and looked at her.
“Look, I don’t know why I’m saying this—but try to remember the last time you were really in love, Catherine, the last time your heart burst out of your chest every time you thought about that person. The nights you spent awake just dreaming about what it would feel like to touch them, longing for their arms around you. He hurt you, I know he did, and she let you down and left you alone to cope with everything. But sometimes I think when you buried the hurt and the pain they left you with, you buried a bit of yourself as well. I know it’s none of my business anymore, but I’m only saying you deserve to be loved, so try to remember what it felt like and then maybe, when the time comes, you’ll be able to let it happen again. I want to see you happy.”
Jimmy nodded once and then closed the door carefully behind him so as not to wake the girls.
Catherine tweaked back her curtains and watched himhunched up against the cold as he marched stalwartly toward the canal, his hair whipped by the wind, clutching his guitar by its neck.
Despite everything, he was still the only person on the planet who really knew her, who understood her better than she understood herself.
Five
I t had been almost unbearably hot on the day she had met Marc James.
For most of the summer holiday Catherine had been required either to help her mother in the church bookshop she ran or to do a long list of chores at home that Catherine felt sure had been invented to stop her from leaving the house. But occasionally
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