Around the World in a Bad Mood! by Rene Foss Page A

was not as bad as some—at least not yet. I’ll admit it, I have met some flight attendants who have scared the hell out of me. I’m sure you know the type because they terrorize everyone on the plane: “Fasten that seat belt!” they bark as they come up the aisle, slamming the seat backs of poor slobs who haven’t returned to the upright, locked position as previously ordered. In short, these flight attendants possess all the charm and conviviality of the Newark Airport parking lot at about 4:00 A.M .

Mona Lott
    â€œT ESTING, ONE-TWO-THREE. . . . hello? Is this thing on? Oh, for Christ’s sake. . . . OK. Welcome aboard We Apologize for This Inconvenience Airlines, also known as WAFTI. OK, this is flight 5050 to, ummm . . . to . . . let’s see here, today we are going to . . . umm, well we will figure that out later, ummm, it’s on your ticket if you really need to know. This flight is under the command of Captain Booze, assisted by First Officer Chance, and as we like to say here at WAFTI, if Booze and Chance can’t get ya there . . . nothing can! All right then, moving on. My name is Mona—Mona Lott—and I’m your senior indentured servant for this flight. Once airborne, if we should ever live to see the day, this flight will take about four hours to get to wherever the hell we’re going! We will not be showing a movie on today’s flight because we don’t feel like passing out the headsets, plus people never have the correct change and I’m getting sick of spending the whole flight trying to change a fifty when I could be sitting in my jumpseat reading People magazine. Now for your comfort we have four lavatories on this aircraft: one in first class and three in coach. However, only one is working, so pace yourself on the drinks! The airphones are not working, we have only three pillows and two blankets, and we’re short two flight attendants, fifty-five meals, and one good engine. And by the way, this flight is oversold. We do not have any magazines or newspapers, but we do have the pamphlet How to Deal with Anger in a Positive Nonviolent Way . Today we will be passing these pamphlets out in lieu of the meals. In the meantime, please remember that to be human is to know pain and suffering and to be a prisoner—I mean, a passenger—on WAFTI is to know rage. We here at WAFTI appreciate your business and we want you to know that we’re constantly upping our standards. . . . So up yours!
    â€œNow it is time for the safety demonstration. This information could save your life so please pay attention, and remember ladies and gentlemen, next time your plans include air travel, wherever your final destination may be, please keep this thought in mind: Flight attendants are on board the aircraft to save your ass, not kiss it! Is my crew ready? All right, it’s time for the ‘Safety Demo Shuffle.’ I will now be dimming the cabin lights to enhance the beauty of our flight attendants. Oh yes, one more thing: When the captain turns on the seat-belt sign I want to hear one click! Sit back, relax, and enjoy your trip.”
    S AFETY D EMO S HUFFLE
    If you’ve never traveled by car
    this is your seat belt, please know
    where they are. To fasten the belt,
    just pull till it’s tight and don’t let
    go till the end of the flight!
    This is for safety, especially yours, pay
    close attention as we point out the doors,
    please keep in mind this aircraft has eight,
    they all have slides and we hope they inflate.
    If we have to get out, there won’t be much time,
    so head for the door and follow in line, should the
    cabin lose pressure, place this mask on your nose,
    if the plane’s going down, just reach for your toes,
    if we have a water evacuation, use your tushy
    cushion for your flotation, pull up and remove,
    then hold to your chest, dive in the water, and
    hope for the best!
    A few more reminders, then off on our way:
    No