massage at the center of my back, slowly working from the covered part of my back out to the exposed areas. My skin itches in anticipation. It’s been weeks now of taunting and teasing; and as he runs his hands over my back, I find myself more excited than scared. The instant his hands graze over my skin, I inhale sharply. Electricity rolls across my body; and it feels so good, as though I’ve been depriving myself of this for too long.
I breathe in and out, enjoying the moment. No anxiety. No stress. Maybe the whole experiment will be this easy. I just needed to go a little slower , baby steps. Turning my head, I peek up at Graham and catch his eye. He smiles. I smile back.
Then , he gropes my ass.
My eyes pop wide open and I jump on the bench, yelping in surprise. He doesn’t alter his position, though. Instead, he continues to squeeze and knead the softer flesh on my butt. His hands run up and down the sides of my hips, brushing against my calves, and drifting toward the sides of my boobs. My heart is pounding and my brain starts spinning. Everything he does feels good. Too good.
“You okay?” he asks.
I nod in return. My easy breaths have stopped and my hands clench into small fists. Graham attempts to smooth them out, taking each finger into his hands and rubbing them gently. The minute he’s finished, I ball them up again.
“Use your voice, Audrey. Are you okay?”
“Yes,” I say. “I am. Really. Just adapting.”
“Good.”
The massage continues for a while longer; but unlike the other times, I can’t fully relax. A man, I don’t really know and that I plan to be intimate with is touching my ass and has come really, really close to my boob. The music ends and that’s when I finally take a full breath. I sit up and that’s when I notice how hard my nipples are, poking against the thin material of my shirt. I cross my arms and look away.
G raham sits on the floor in front of me, and I peek over, seeing the line of worry creased between his eyes.
“What happened?”
“It’s just weird, I guess.”
“Weird?”
“You. Touching my…butt. Ass. You got really near my boob, too.”
He nods. “And that was weird for you? ”
“Yes.” I look over his shoulder, away from his eyes. “It just makes me uncomfortable. Sex makes me uncomfortable. The idea of it. Talking about it. Thinking about it. Failure looms ahead at all times.”
“But you haven’t been failing. You’ve been very successful with the exposure so far.”
I roll my eyes. “We haven’t really done anything; and the moment you get near my ass, I freak out.”
“You didn’t run away or anything.”
“No. But inside I was crumbling.”
His eyes light up. “Okay , tell me why.”
“ If I let you touch my ass, then you’ll want to really touch my boobs. Then you’ll want to see me naked. Then you’ll want to be naked, and then,” I point between his legs with a shaky finger. “That thing will come out after me, my vagina will have a panic attack, and we’ll be back at square one, which is that I’m an absolute fucking failure.”
Using the bottom of my shirt , I wipe my eyes and nose. Graham moves closer. Kneeling before me, he takes my hand. “We’re going to beat this anxiety, Audrey. I promise you.”
“You can’t promise that. It’s my problem , not yours. Trust me; you’re going to get tired of how long this takes. Every other guy has.”
“Fair enough. What I can promise you is that I will always take care of you. I will be gentle and kind. I will follow your lead and remain patient until we figure this out.”
“What if it takes longer than Dr. Markson anticipates?”
He shrugs. “Unlike one of your boyfriends , this is my job. I’m here for you, not myself.”
I’d never thought of it like that. Or about how this is a job for Graham. I’m his client as much as I’m Dr. Markson’s. They both work for me and I’m the one in control. The idea makes me feel better and I offer him a
I breathe in and out, enjoying the moment. No anxiety. No stress. Maybe the whole experiment will be this easy. I just needed to go a little slower , baby steps. Turning my head, I peek up at Graham and catch his eye. He smiles. I smile back.
Then , he gropes my ass.
My eyes pop wide open and I jump on the bench, yelping in surprise. He doesn’t alter his position, though. Instead, he continues to squeeze and knead the softer flesh on my butt. His hands run up and down the sides of my hips, brushing against my calves, and drifting toward the sides of my boobs. My heart is pounding and my brain starts spinning. Everything he does feels good. Too good.
“You okay?” he asks.
I nod in return. My easy breaths have stopped and my hands clench into small fists. Graham attempts to smooth them out, taking each finger into his hands and rubbing them gently. The minute he’s finished, I ball them up again.
“Use your voice, Audrey. Are you okay?”
“Yes,” I say. “I am. Really. Just adapting.”
“Good.”
The massage continues for a while longer; but unlike the other times, I can’t fully relax. A man, I don’t really know and that I plan to be intimate with is touching my ass and has come really, really close to my boob. The music ends and that’s when I finally take a full breath. I sit up and that’s when I notice how hard my nipples are, poking against the thin material of my shirt. I cross my arms and look away.
G raham sits on the floor in front of me, and I peek over, seeing the line of worry creased between his eyes.
“What happened?”
“It’s just weird, I guess.”
“Weird?”
“You. Touching my…butt. Ass. You got really near my boob, too.”
He nods. “And that was weird for you? ”
“Yes.” I look over his shoulder, away from his eyes. “It just makes me uncomfortable. Sex makes me uncomfortable. The idea of it. Talking about it. Thinking about it. Failure looms ahead at all times.”
“But you haven’t been failing. You’ve been very successful with the exposure so far.”
I roll my eyes. “We haven’t really done anything; and the moment you get near my ass, I freak out.”
“You didn’t run away or anything.”
“No. But inside I was crumbling.”
His eyes light up. “Okay , tell me why.”
“ If I let you touch my ass, then you’ll want to really touch my boobs. Then you’ll want to see me naked. Then you’ll want to be naked, and then,” I point between his legs with a shaky finger. “That thing will come out after me, my vagina will have a panic attack, and we’ll be back at square one, which is that I’m an absolute fucking failure.”
Using the bottom of my shirt , I wipe my eyes and nose. Graham moves closer. Kneeling before me, he takes my hand. “We’re going to beat this anxiety, Audrey. I promise you.”
“You can’t promise that. It’s my problem , not yours. Trust me; you’re going to get tired of how long this takes. Every other guy has.”
“Fair enough. What I can promise you is that I will always take care of you. I will be gentle and kind. I will follow your lead and remain patient until we figure this out.”
“What if it takes longer than Dr. Markson anticipates?”
He shrugs. “Unlike one of your boyfriends , this is my job. I’m here for you, not myself.”
I’d never thought of it like that. Or about how this is a job for Graham. I’m his client as much as I’m Dr. Markson’s. They both work for me and I’m the one in control. The idea makes me feel better and I offer him a
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