smile. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
I stand to go to the bathroom and change. “You know I’m going to do this more and more as we go forward.”
“What? Freak out?” he laughs.
“Freak out. Cry. Panic. Second guess.”
“We’ll take it one step at a time,” he says, looking completely unfazed. “And no matter what, I’ll be here.”
Chap ter 10
(Audrey )
“How are things going with Graham?” Dr. Markson asks from her chair across from mine. Her pad of paper is on her lap and a pen poised in her hand.
“Good, I guess. I’m not really sure what to expect.”
“Do you find him comfortable to work with?”
“Yes, he’s been great. Very understanding. He’s an excellent masseuse.” I smile , thinking about his hands.
“Good. I’m glad to hear it’s going well. You’ve worked through several levels of exposure quickly, which is what I expected from your history. From here on, though, things will get a little more intense. Do you have any concerns?”
I shift in my seat. “No, I guess not. I mean, I’m a little nervous about what happens from here going forward. Being undressed and being touched.”
“One thing to remember about the exposure therapy is that because you and Graham have no romantic or emotional attachment to one another, there’s no judgment on your looks or behavior. You can’t disappoint him. He’s under strict instructions as to how to proceed and everything is part of the experiment. It’s okay for you to be scared or nervous. It’s expected.”
“Should I tell him if I’m scared?”
“Absolutely,” she says. “Would you agree that much of your anxiety comes from a feeling of mistrust?”
The tightening in my stomach reveals my answer. “Yes. ”
She flips through her note pad and frowns slightly. “Do you know when this started? What originally made you feel unsafe?”
I shake my head. “No. I’ve thought about it a million times. I never realized anything was wrong , until it all just sort of fell apart when I tried to have sex the first time.”
“There had to be a time when your friends became sexually active. How did that make you feel?”
“One of my best friends had sex when we were in the 8 th grade. I thought she was too young. I also thought her boyfriend was a creep. They broke up afterward and I expected her to be upset; but she said she just wanted to get it over with.” I stare down at my dress and spread the fabric smooth. “I guess losing my virginity seemed like a bigger deal than getting it over with; except when the time came, it wasn’t so easy, even though Max was nice and I think he loved me.”
“What happened with you and your friend after that?”
“Mary and I had been friends since kindergarten. We stayed friends; but after that, everything about her seemed so hyper-sexualized and it felt like all she talked about was sex.”
“Which only increa sed your anxiety, I would assume?”
“Yeah,” I say, looking down at my lap. These memories make me uncomfortable and I do my best to avoid them.
“Was she sexually active after that?”
“Yes, she had several boyfriends, one in particular who was terrible. She had several pregnancy scares because of some strange refusal to use birth control.”
“That is strange.”
“I know. I never could figure it out. Everything about it seemed really stressful.”
“What about other friends?”
“Some had boyfriends and others didn’t. I knew a couple girls that had sex early on in high school ; and they either seemed to regret it or ended up with all kinds of break-up drama.” I make a face at the memory. Everyone was so stupid back then.
Dr. Markson laughs. “You don’t approve of high school drama?”
“No. Not really. Stand by your choices, you know?”
“Teenagers aren’t usually known for making well-informed decisions, especially when their hormones are involved.”
“Well, they should. It’s not like it’s complicated,” I
“You’re welcome.”
I stand to go to the bathroom and change. “You know I’m going to do this more and more as we go forward.”
“What? Freak out?” he laughs.
“Freak out. Cry. Panic. Second guess.”
“We’ll take it one step at a time,” he says, looking completely unfazed. “And no matter what, I’ll be here.”
Chap ter 10
(Audrey )
“How are things going with Graham?” Dr. Markson asks from her chair across from mine. Her pad of paper is on her lap and a pen poised in her hand.
“Good, I guess. I’m not really sure what to expect.”
“Do you find him comfortable to work with?”
“Yes, he’s been great. Very understanding. He’s an excellent masseuse.” I smile , thinking about his hands.
“Good. I’m glad to hear it’s going well. You’ve worked through several levels of exposure quickly, which is what I expected from your history. From here on, though, things will get a little more intense. Do you have any concerns?”
I shift in my seat. “No, I guess not. I mean, I’m a little nervous about what happens from here going forward. Being undressed and being touched.”
“One thing to remember about the exposure therapy is that because you and Graham have no romantic or emotional attachment to one another, there’s no judgment on your looks or behavior. You can’t disappoint him. He’s under strict instructions as to how to proceed and everything is part of the experiment. It’s okay for you to be scared or nervous. It’s expected.”
“Should I tell him if I’m scared?”
“Absolutely,” she says. “Would you agree that much of your anxiety comes from a feeling of mistrust?”
The tightening in my stomach reveals my answer. “Yes. ”
She flips through her note pad and frowns slightly. “Do you know when this started? What originally made you feel unsafe?”
I shake my head. “No. I’ve thought about it a million times. I never realized anything was wrong , until it all just sort of fell apart when I tried to have sex the first time.”
“There had to be a time when your friends became sexually active. How did that make you feel?”
“One of my best friends had sex when we were in the 8 th grade. I thought she was too young. I also thought her boyfriend was a creep. They broke up afterward and I expected her to be upset; but she said she just wanted to get it over with.” I stare down at my dress and spread the fabric smooth. “I guess losing my virginity seemed like a bigger deal than getting it over with; except when the time came, it wasn’t so easy, even though Max was nice and I think he loved me.”
“What happened with you and your friend after that?”
“Mary and I had been friends since kindergarten. We stayed friends; but after that, everything about her seemed so hyper-sexualized and it felt like all she talked about was sex.”
“Which only increa sed your anxiety, I would assume?”
“Yeah,” I say, looking down at my lap. These memories make me uncomfortable and I do my best to avoid them.
“Was she sexually active after that?”
“Yes, she had several boyfriends, one in particular who was terrible. She had several pregnancy scares because of some strange refusal to use birth control.”
“That is strange.”
“I know. I never could figure it out. Everything about it seemed really stressful.”
“What about other friends?”
“Some had boyfriends and others didn’t. I knew a couple girls that had sex early on in high school ; and they either seemed to regret it or ended up with all kinds of break-up drama.” I make a face at the memory. Everyone was so stupid back then.
Dr. Markson laughs. “You don’t approve of high school drama?”
“No. Not really. Stand by your choices, you know?”
“Teenagers aren’t usually known for making well-informed decisions, especially when their hormones are involved.”
“Well, they should. It’s not like it’s complicated,” I
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