met; this parade of men fails to live up to your expectations, all of them so much less than Daddy or Bill (you know I always envied you finding Bill). And you punish yourself, tell yourself it’s your fault you can’t find a good one, you’ve only deluded yourself into thinking they’re better than they are. I don’t know how well you remember Andrew . . .
BARBARA: No, I remember.
KAREN: That’s the best example: here’s a guy I loved so intensely, and all the things he did wrong were just opportunities for me to make things right. So if he cheated on me or he called me a cunt, I’d think to myself, “No, you love him, you love him forever, and here’s an opportunity to make an adjustment in the way you view the world.” And I can’t say when the precise moment was that I looked in the mirror and said, “Okay, moron,” and walked out, but it kicked off this whole period of reflection, just swamped in this sticky recollection. How had I screwed it up, where’d I go wrong, and before you know it you can’t move forward, you’re just suspended there, you can’t move forward because you can’t stop thinking backward, I mean, you know . . . years! Years of punishment, self-loathing. And that’s when I got into all those books and discussion groups—
BARBARA: And Scientology, too, right, or something like that?—
KAREN: Yes, exactly, and finally one day, I threw it all out, I just said, “No, it’s me . It’s just me , here and now, with my music on the stereo and my glass of wine and Bloomers my cat, and I don’t need anything else, I can live my life with myself.” And I got my license, threw myself into my work, sold a lot of houses, and that’s when I met Steve. That’s how it happens, of course, you only really find it when you’re not looking for it, suddenly you turn around and there it is. And then the things you thought were so important aren’t really important. I mean, when I made out with my pillow, I never imagined Steve! Here he is, you know, this kinda country club Chamber of Commerce guy, ten years older than me, but a thinker, you know, someone who’s been around, and he’s just so good. He’s a good man and he’s good to me and he’s good for me.
BARBARA: That’s great, Karen—
KAREN: He’s got this great business and it’s because he has these great ideas and he’s unafraid to make his ideas realities, you know, he’s not afraid of doing . I think men on the whole are better at that than women, don’t you? Doing , just jumping in and doing , right or wrong, we’ll figure out what it all means later. And the best thing about him, the best thing about him for me, is that now what I think about is now . I live now . My focus, my life, my world is now . I don’t give a care about the past anymore, the mistakes I made, the way I thought , I won’t go back there. And I’ve realized you can’t plan the future, because as soon as you do, you know, something happens, some terrible thing happens—
BARBARA: Like your father drowning himself.
KAREN: Exactly! Exactly, that’s exactly what I mean! That’s not something you plan for! There’s no contingency; you take it as it comes, here and now! Steve had a very important presentation today, for some bigwig government guys who could be very important for his business, something he’s been putting together for months, and as soon as we heard about Daddy, he called and canceled his meeting. He has his priorities straight. And you know what the kicker is?
(Barbara waits.)
Do you know what the kicker is?
BARBARA: What’s the kicker?
KAREN: We’re going to Belize on our honeymoon.
(Johnna enters from the kitchen, bringing in a pitcher of iced tea.)
BARBARA: Sorry. Hot flash.
KAREN: I never told him my little Belize fantasy, he just up and surprised me with tickets for after the wedding.
BARBARA (To Johnna) : God, that smells good, what
BARBARA: No, I remember.
KAREN: That’s the best example: here’s a guy I loved so intensely, and all the things he did wrong were just opportunities for me to make things right. So if he cheated on me or he called me a cunt, I’d think to myself, “No, you love him, you love him forever, and here’s an opportunity to make an adjustment in the way you view the world.” And I can’t say when the precise moment was that I looked in the mirror and said, “Okay, moron,” and walked out, but it kicked off this whole period of reflection, just swamped in this sticky recollection. How had I screwed it up, where’d I go wrong, and before you know it you can’t move forward, you’re just suspended there, you can’t move forward because you can’t stop thinking backward, I mean, you know . . . years! Years of punishment, self-loathing. And that’s when I got into all those books and discussion groups—
BARBARA: And Scientology, too, right, or something like that?—
KAREN: Yes, exactly, and finally one day, I threw it all out, I just said, “No, it’s me . It’s just me , here and now, with my music on the stereo and my glass of wine and Bloomers my cat, and I don’t need anything else, I can live my life with myself.” And I got my license, threw myself into my work, sold a lot of houses, and that’s when I met Steve. That’s how it happens, of course, you only really find it when you’re not looking for it, suddenly you turn around and there it is. And then the things you thought were so important aren’t really important. I mean, when I made out with my pillow, I never imagined Steve! Here he is, you know, this kinda country club Chamber of Commerce guy, ten years older than me, but a thinker, you know, someone who’s been around, and he’s just so good. He’s a good man and he’s good to me and he’s good for me.
BARBARA: That’s great, Karen—
KAREN: He’s got this great business and it’s because he has these great ideas and he’s unafraid to make his ideas realities, you know, he’s not afraid of doing . I think men on the whole are better at that than women, don’t you? Doing , just jumping in and doing , right or wrong, we’ll figure out what it all means later. And the best thing about him, the best thing about him for me, is that now what I think about is now . I live now . My focus, my life, my world is now . I don’t give a care about the past anymore, the mistakes I made, the way I thought , I won’t go back there. And I’ve realized you can’t plan the future, because as soon as you do, you know, something happens, some terrible thing happens—
BARBARA: Like your father drowning himself.
KAREN: Exactly! Exactly, that’s exactly what I mean! That’s not something you plan for! There’s no contingency; you take it as it comes, here and now! Steve had a very important presentation today, for some bigwig government guys who could be very important for his business, something he’s been putting together for months, and as soon as we heard about Daddy, he called and canceled his meeting. He has his priorities straight. And you know what the kicker is?
(Barbara waits.)
Do you know what the kicker is?
BARBARA: What’s the kicker?
KAREN: We’re going to Belize on our honeymoon.
(Johnna enters from the kitchen, bringing in a pitcher of iced tea.)
BARBARA: Sorry. Hot flash.
KAREN: I never told him my little Belize fantasy, he just up and surprised me with tickets for after the wedding.
BARBARA (To Johnna) : God, that smells good, what
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