control. As the adults around her, our job is to bring order out of chaos. And that was chaos.”
Julie regarded me.
I didn’t want to get defensive over this, but I could see itwouldn’t be hard. The problem with what I was doing with Venus was that it was gut-level stuff. I’d felt secure in my actions while I was doing them. Despite how it appeared, my sense was that this was a power issue. Venus appeared out of control, and on a cognitive level, she probably was. I doubt she had been knowingly thinking, “I want to impose my will on this woman and take control of this situation.” However, on a deeper level, I sensed Venus was using her unresponsiveness and violent behavior to control her environment. For whatever reasons they might be occurring, the fact remained that they were inappropriate, inefficient ways to cope, and my responsibility was to help her change them into something more beneficial. Unfortunately, to do that, I had to begin by imposing my will over hers.
But it looked awful. And unaccountable. Because how did I explain “Well, this is what I sense about the situation,” when “sense” could in no way be proven?
Julie lowered her head. “I’m really sorry, Torey. I know I let you down. But I was so scared we were hurting her. She was struggling so hard.”
“It was forceful, but we weren’t hurting her. It was physical, but we – you and I – were in control of what we were doing, so we weren’t going to hurt her. That’s the difference between what we were doing and what Venus was doing. At no time was I going to cross the line and hurt her, but she didn’t have the same controls. That’s why I needed you to hold her legs. Because I didn’t want her to hurt herself. Or one of us.”
Julie didn’t respond immediately. She kept her head down, but I could see a frown playing itself out across her features.
“I know you’re not going to want me to say this,” she said when she finally did look up, “but I don’t think what you’re doing is right. I’m still really uncomfortable with this, because I just don’t agree it’s the way to do it.”
“What do you think we should do?”
“I don’t know. Just not that. We’re scaring her so much,” Julie said. “It’s hard for me to see that’s right.”
“Yes, I think we are scaring her. To be honest, it scares me. But … sometimes we need to get in and do hard things. I have to have control in here, Julie. I have to be the one who sets the boundaries, not any of the children. Up until now Venus has been using these behaviors to control her world, and they haven’t led to a happy life for her. It’s my task to help her find other ways of doing things. But I can’t do that until I’ve gained control of the situation. And to do that, I’m going to have to get down and dirty.”
“Why can’t you just wait? Just give her time to adjust to being in your class? Golly, we’re only in the second week of school here, Torey. Can’t you give her time? I mean, most of these kids come out of violent homes already. How can you justify using violence against them in the classroom?”
“I don’t think it was violence. I was restraining her. It was controlled. I was simply setting the limits.”
Julie nodded in a faint, unconvinced way.
A pause.
Julie let out a long, heavy sigh. “Okay, yeah. You’re the one who’s trained in all this. You’ve got the experience. I’m nobody really. Just an aide…” Another sigh. “But I still feel really uncomfortable with this ‘means justifying the ends’ kind of approach. Know what I mean?” She looked up at me. “I’m not kidding, Torey. This girl comes out of a nightmare home situation. I know, because I’ve been at this school for a while and I’ve seen what she and her siblings live like. I can’t believe it’s right for us to be horrible to her too. Ever.”
“I don’t think it did fall under being ‘horrible to her,’” I said, “but I take your
Julie regarded me.
I didn’t want to get defensive over this, but I could see itwouldn’t be hard. The problem with what I was doing with Venus was that it was gut-level stuff. I’d felt secure in my actions while I was doing them. Despite how it appeared, my sense was that this was a power issue. Venus appeared out of control, and on a cognitive level, she probably was. I doubt she had been knowingly thinking, “I want to impose my will on this woman and take control of this situation.” However, on a deeper level, I sensed Venus was using her unresponsiveness and violent behavior to control her environment. For whatever reasons they might be occurring, the fact remained that they were inappropriate, inefficient ways to cope, and my responsibility was to help her change them into something more beneficial. Unfortunately, to do that, I had to begin by imposing my will over hers.
But it looked awful. And unaccountable. Because how did I explain “Well, this is what I sense about the situation,” when “sense” could in no way be proven?
Julie lowered her head. “I’m really sorry, Torey. I know I let you down. But I was so scared we were hurting her. She was struggling so hard.”
“It was forceful, but we weren’t hurting her. It was physical, but we – you and I – were in control of what we were doing, so we weren’t going to hurt her. That’s the difference between what we were doing and what Venus was doing. At no time was I going to cross the line and hurt her, but she didn’t have the same controls. That’s why I needed you to hold her legs. Because I didn’t want her to hurt herself. Or one of us.”
Julie didn’t respond immediately. She kept her head down, but I could see a frown playing itself out across her features.
“I know you’re not going to want me to say this,” she said when she finally did look up, “but I don’t think what you’re doing is right. I’m still really uncomfortable with this, because I just don’t agree it’s the way to do it.”
“What do you think we should do?”
“I don’t know. Just not that. We’re scaring her so much,” Julie said. “It’s hard for me to see that’s right.”
“Yes, I think we are scaring her. To be honest, it scares me. But … sometimes we need to get in and do hard things. I have to have control in here, Julie. I have to be the one who sets the boundaries, not any of the children. Up until now Venus has been using these behaviors to control her world, and they haven’t led to a happy life for her. It’s my task to help her find other ways of doing things. But I can’t do that until I’ve gained control of the situation. And to do that, I’m going to have to get down and dirty.”
“Why can’t you just wait? Just give her time to adjust to being in your class? Golly, we’re only in the second week of school here, Torey. Can’t you give her time? I mean, most of these kids come out of violent homes already. How can you justify using violence against them in the classroom?”
“I don’t think it was violence. I was restraining her. It was controlled. I was simply setting the limits.”
Julie nodded in a faint, unconvinced way.
A pause.
Julie let out a long, heavy sigh. “Okay, yeah. You’re the one who’s trained in all this. You’ve got the experience. I’m nobody really. Just an aide…” Another sigh. “But I still feel really uncomfortable with this ‘means justifying the ends’ kind of approach. Know what I mean?” She looked up at me. “I’m not kidding, Torey. This girl comes out of a nightmare home situation. I know, because I’ve been at this school for a while and I’ve seen what she and her siblings live like. I can’t believe it’s right for us to be horrible to her too. Ever.”
“I don’t think it did fall under being ‘horrible to her,’” I said, “but I take your
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