Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies: On Myths, Morons, Free Speech, Football, and Assorted Absurdities by Chris Kluwe Page B

stability of social interactions until his once-teeming world is barren and lifeless, collapsed under the gluttonous appetite of self.
    Then he starves, and no one is left to mourn his passing.
    Are you John Galt?

Incorporation
    I ’ve been doing some serious thinking lately, and I’ve decided I’m going to take the plunge. There’s no reason not to—the benefits are quite substantial, and there’s really no downside to doing it. Frankly, the more time I spend in the modern world, the more surprised I am that someone hasn’t figured it out earlier.
    I’m talking, obviously, of registering my body as a corporation, with my mind as a limited liability representative.
    All the important components are already in place, so really all that’s left is the paperwork. I have a board of directors (they’re quite argumentative at times, especially when Rationality and Emotion start going at it, or when Primal Urge feels unfulfilled), and they all have local addresses and can be easily contacted (except when they don’t feel like it). I’ve issued stock to various outside investors, letting them dictate how much value they own (because money, after all, is merely the abstraction of time spentperforming a task). My wife and football are the majority owners right now, but the kids are starting an aggressive buyout, and I think in a couple years they’ll have almost full control. There’s also a list of corporate bylaws that I made up myself and follow when it doesn’t inconvenience me, so I don’t foresee any legal holdup.
    Once I register, I think the benefits are really going to be worth it. My taxes will be much lower than they are now, so that’ll definitely go over well with the shareholders, and having limited liability will make certain functions of life a lot easier. If I ever kill someone, or steal a bunch of money, or bribe people to get a more favorable outcome on something I want, I’ll just pay a small fine and not even have to say I did anything wrong. It’s awesome! I couldn’t even be charged with a serious crime, unlike you silly normal people. I could literally walk down to the local Federal Reserve and take a couple billion dollars, and as long as I paid back several million and promised never to do it again (not that I did anything wrong in the first place, of course), there’d be no problem whatsoever. Everyone’s a winner!
    (By
everyone,
I obviously mean “my board of directors,” because that’s all that really matters. Why should I care how other people are affected by my body’s actions? Not liable, remember?)
    There’s also the environmental aspect to think of. Once I declare my body a corporation, it’s not my fault if what I do harms the world around me. I have to look out for my shareholders, so if that means I run over a couple pedestrians to get to work faster or throw a bunch of dirty diapers in my neighbor’s backyard rather than take the time to go put it in the trash, they can rest assured that I’m working for their best interests. The more time I spend with them, the more value they get, and, frankly, that’s the only guideline I have to follow.You can be damned sure I’ll be talking to policy crafters accordingly. Luckily, I’ll be able to use as much money as I want to influence their decisions about what to set into law, so, thanks, Supreme Court! Thanks, Washington! Appreciate the assist!
    Now, don’t get me wrong, there
are
a couple downsides. First off, to get that preferred tax rate, I’m going to have to base my corporation in the Cayman Islands or some other business-friendly nation, so that’ll necessitate a couple copies of myself to act as shell companies. They don’t really have to do anything, just sit there and provide the polite legal fiction that I’m actually residing in that country, so I’ll probably just get a couple of Fatheads or something and glue them to the side of a local strip mall. They won’t even need to pick up the phone if someone