done.
Penny read me like an open book, pulling herself up with concern wrinkling her brow. “If you don't want to talk about him...”
I slipped my fingers through my hair, clutching the strands tight before I let them go. “I've spent a lot of time and energy not talking about him, believing that my silence is denying him power. I'm realizing that not addressing heavy shit just increases the power those things have over us.” I was talking a big game, but my throat was on fire when I remembered the call. I dug my heels in again, but this time, it wasn't out of fear of the unknown-it was because I knew exactly what was waiting for me.
My mother, who was always bubbly, always perfect, was barely able to get the words out. The part that brought me shame even with all the ways my father had disappointed me was hearing that he was terminally ill with only a few months left to live, and I didn't shed a single tear.
“When I found out my father was dying, I felt nothing at all. It came out of left field. My father was built like a goddamn ox, and he treated his body like a well oiled machine; all organic everything, worked out religiously even at 55, and then he winds up with cancer. All the kale smoothies in the world won't help if your body's out to get you.” I cringed inwardly at my poor attempt at a joke, making light of something that was far from humorous. I expected Penny's gold flecked eyes to be burning disapprovingly, but she was just listening intently, her soft touch telling me that it was okay. That I wasn't alone. After months of putting a stopper in the bottle that was overflowing with pain, it felt good to smash it open and talk about my father. “When I heard about his grim prognosis, I expected to feel relief. He barely treated me like a son, and we had no relationship to mourn. I could finally take the reins of Wade Enterprises without worrying that he'd decide he was renewing interest in its operations and I had to share the wheel. But there was no relief, and yet, there was no sadness either. When you hear your parent is dying, there should be some tears, or anger, or something.” I clenched my fists and inhaled deep, exhaling through my nose. “And that's where I've been. Ambivalent-until his lawyer called me into his office a few days back and told me that if I don't settle down for a month, or until he croaks, whichever comes first, I'm out of a job. Then the anger I couldn't find wouldn't, won't, go away. After all the work I've done, this job is my life. I finally found my purpose. And just like that, he can take it all away. I feel angry and helpless and-” There was another H word that clutched my throat. From the way Penny's cheeks darkened, I knew I didn't need to say it aloud.
“Hate's a pretty strong word,” she said quietly.
I nodded in agreement. “Which is why I didn't say it. I've only said it aloud once in my life and I didn't mean it. And it didn't change anything.”
Fuck. That was just what I needed. I was already whining about my father, now I was bringing my ex into it? I said a silent prayer, hoping that she hadn't caught my last sentence, but the look on her face told me she was waiting for me to elaborate.
“Since I'm already Debbie Downer, I should just continue the trend and do one of the most taboo things you can do in a new relationship...talk about my ex.”
Her eyes dropped mine immediately. “Oh.”
I scooted backward, wanting to pull her close and explain that we already had so much more than Jenna and I had in the years that we dated, but I knew that this was all probably overwhelming, so I gave her space. “We don't have to talk about her-”
“No.” Her voice was soft and insistent. “We don't—but I said I wanted the unabridged Xander Wade story, and she's part of your story.” She slid closer to me and reached out to squeeze my knee. “It's okay.”
I took her hand and brought it to my lips. I had no idea what I'd done to deserve her, but I
Penny read me like an open book, pulling herself up with concern wrinkling her brow. “If you don't want to talk about him...”
I slipped my fingers through my hair, clutching the strands tight before I let them go. “I've spent a lot of time and energy not talking about him, believing that my silence is denying him power. I'm realizing that not addressing heavy shit just increases the power those things have over us.” I was talking a big game, but my throat was on fire when I remembered the call. I dug my heels in again, but this time, it wasn't out of fear of the unknown-it was because I knew exactly what was waiting for me.
My mother, who was always bubbly, always perfect, was barely able to get the words out. The part that brought me shame even with all the ways my father had disappointed me was hearing that he was terminally ill with only a few months left to live, and I didn't shed a single tear.
“When I found out my father was dying, I felt nothing at all. It came out of left field. My father was built like a goddamn ox, and he treated his body like a well oiled machine; all organic everything, worked out religiously even at 55, and then he winds up with cancer. All the kale smoothies in the world won't help if your body's out to get you.” I cringed inwardly at my poor attempt at a joke, making light of something that was far from humorous. I expected Penny's gold flecked eyes to be burning disapprovingly, but she was just listening intently, her soft touch telling me that it was okay. That I wasn't alone. After months of putting a stopper in the bottle that was overflowing with pain, it felt good to smash it open and talk about my father. “When I heard about his grim prognosis, I expected to feel relief. He barely treated me like a son, and we had no relationship to mourn. I could finally take the reins of Wade Enterprises without worrying that he'd decide he was renewing interest in its operations and I had to share the wheel. But there was no relief, and yet, there was no sadness either. When you hear your parent is dying, there should be some tears, or anger, or something.” I clenched my fists and inhaled deep, exhaling through my nose. “And that's where I've been. Ambivalent-until his lawyer called me into his office a few days back and told me that if I don't settle down for a month, or until he croaks, whichever comes first, I'm out of a job. Then the anger I couldn't find wouldn't, won't, go away. After all the work I've done, this job is my life. I finally found my purpose. And just like that, he can take it all away. I feel angry and helpless and-” There was another H word that clutched my throat. From the way Penny's cheeks darkened, I knew I didn't need to say it aloud.
“Hate's a pretty strong word,” she said quietly.
I nodded in agreement. “Which is why I didn't say it. I've only said it aloud once in my life and I didn't mean it. And it didn't change anything.”
Fuck. That was just what I needed. I was already whining about my father, now I was bringing my ex into it? I said a silent prayer, hoping that she hadn't caught my last sentence, but the look on her face told me she was waiting for me to elaborate.
“Since I'm already Debbie Downer, I should just continue the trend and do one of the most taboo things you can do in a new relationship...talk about my ex.”
Her eyes dropped mine immediately. “Oh.”
I scooted backward, wanting to pull her close and explain that we already had so much more than Jenna and I had in the years that we dated, but I knew that this was all probably overwhelming, so I gave her space. “We don't have to talk about her-”
“No.” Her voice was soft and insistent. “We don't—but I said I wanted the unabridged Xander Wade story, and she's part of your story.” She slid closer to me and reached out to squeeze my knee. “It's okay.”
I took her hand and brought it to my lips. I had no idea what I'd done to deserve her, but I
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