Been Here All Along by Sandy Hall Page B

between Gideon and Kyle. Like they were just telling secrets. They’re never this quiet around each other. Unless it’s for Ruby’s benefit. That’s gotta be a weird dynamic. It’s never fun to be the third wheel.
    I consider for a moment hanging out with them, but Gideon’s hooking up the PS4 and Ruby and Kyle are talking. They don’t need me. I head up to my room for another round of reruns on cable instead.

 
    seven
    Gideon
    After way too many hours spent playing video games, Kyle and Ruby leave and I clean up the family room. My parents went out for dinner a little while ago and Ezra is still upstairs in his cave, and it’s kind of nice to be alone to think.
    About halfway through the afternoon I started thinking about how guilty I feel about my list of things that are wrong with Kyle. I stop cleaning and realize that the binder I wrote the list in has been sitting under the couch for the past week.
    I fish it out and flip the pages to the terrible, horrible, really mean list.
    I read it over again and my stomach turns. Now that I know he’s having trouble in school, some of the stuff on here feels even more harsh and personal. Like I’m mocking his hard time. There’s only one solution.
    Kill it with fire.
    I grab the grill lighter from the junk drawer in the kitchen and go out to the back deck. I’m looking around for a metal bucket that my mom keeps out here for gardening when Ezra comes out behind me.
    â€œWhy did you leave the door open? It’s freaking freezing out here!” he says, rubbing his arms.
    â€œYou have thin California blood now. It’s fifty-seven degrees outside, which is really pretty nice for New Jersey in April.”
    â€œShut up,” he says. He notices the lighter and the piece of paper. “What are you doing?”
    â€œNothing,” I say, even though it’s obviously a lie.
    â€œSure, sure,” he says, about to reach for the list.
    â€œDon’t touch that.”
    He holds his hands up in surrender. “So, what’s the deal with Ruby?”
    â€œWhat do you mean?” I ask.
    â€œAre you into her?” he asks.
    â€œShe’s dating Kyle.”
    â€œDoesn’t mean you can’t be into her,” he says as he folds his arms and leans against the doorjamb.
    â€œThe fact that I’m gay does,” I mutter. It’s out in the air before I’m even fully aware of what I’m saying. I slap a hand over my mouth instinctively and look up at Ezra, whose jaw is basically on the floor.
    â€œJesus Christ,” Ezra says.
    â€œHe doesn’t have anything to do with this,” I say, trying my best to regain my composure. I rub my hands over my face and turn to give him my full attention. “I actually only recently realized it.”
    â€œThat’s a pretty big deal, Giddyup.”
    â€œIt’s not really.”
    â€œDid you tell Mom and Dad yet?”
    â€œNo.”
    â€œCan I be there when you do? Because let’s be real, they’re going to be so excited. Mom especially. I’m sure she has a list of guys she could set you up with.”
    I can’t help but grin because he’s so right. “So you should know that you’re kind of the first person I’ve told.”
    â€œSeriously? Me?”
    â€œYes. Why would I lie about that?” I ask, finally finding the bucket under the deck steps.
    â€œFair point,” he says.
    I crush the offensive list in a ball and toss it in the bucket. Then I lean over and set that sucker on fire with the long-handled lighter.
    â€œSo is this some kind of ritual burning?” Ezra asks. “Some kind of hazing to get you into the gay guy club?”
    I look at him and then back at the little fire that’s already burning itself out. I think about telling him about Kyle, about the list, about everything I’m dealing with. I’m not there yet. Maybe when I am, Ezra would be a good person