improve my profile. ’S long as I never have to wear a baseball cap the wrong way round. Better off with a little plastic chicken winglet around my neck on a chain.
Chapter 11
‘You don’t know how to make a margarita?’
Billy and Girl are sitting perched on the chrome and plastic stools at the bar of the Holiday Inn. Girl sulks in shades with striped zebra-patterned frames. Billy wears a herringbone suit. Always dress smart when you’re about to rob a superstore.
‘You don’t know how to make a margarita?’ Girl repeats in disbelief.
The barman shakes his head. ‘Never had cause to make ’em here. Folk want a gin and tonic, or a scotch usually.’
‘Jesus fucking Christ!’ Girl is getting hysterical. ‘You don’t make cocktails in this hotel?’
‘Nope.’
‘What’s the point of him?’ Girl shouts at Billy, who just shakes his head incredulously.
‘Look, do you know what a cocktail is?’
The barman nods wearily. ‘Yep. It’s mixers.’
‘Jeeezus! Where are you from?’
‘Devon, madam.’
‘Yeah, well.’ Girl looks at him sorrowfully through her new shades. ‘Suppose you only drink milk in Devon.
Milk
!’
‘Is there something else I can get you, madam?’
‘Cocktails are martinis and gimlets, manhattans and margaritas. Martinis have been drunk for
ever
. It’s not like cocktails are a new thing! Everyone loves a drink shaken up. You should have a juicer behind the bar for starters and abriefcase busting with bartending tools inside it! You need a bar spoon, a blender, a jigger, measuring cup, mixing glass, paring knife, standard shaker and a strainer. Got any of those things,
Mr
Barman?’
‘I have some lemon slices, madam, if you would like a gin and tonic?’
‘Lemon slices?’ Girl is amazed and disgusted. She looks at the ceiling and shakes her head tragically. ‘You telling me that if I want a garnish for my cocktail all you can offer me is a lemon slice? Got any celery? Cinnamon sticks? Pickled jalapeño peppers? Almond syrup? You think tonic is a mixer? Got any coconut cream? Clamato juice? Guava nectar? Bitter lemon soda?’
‘Nope.’
‘Okay, I’ll tell you what.’ Girl lowers her voice and winks at him, giving him a chance. ‘If you can’t make a margarita, mix me a Mermaid’s Song instead.’
The barman looks nervous. ‘I can give you a martini, madam.’
Girl stares at him coldly. ‘We want a margarita. Have you got Triple Sec?’
‘I’ve got Cointreau.’
Muzak leaks out of the speakers.
‘Okay. Have you got tequila?’
‘Nope. Not much call for it, madam.’
‘Not much call for it! Did you hear that, Billy? This is a bar, isn’t it? Have I got this wrong? Is this
not
a bar? Am I wrong about this? Am I in a dry cleaner’s? Am I asking the dry cleaner for a margarita and he is telling me there’s not much call for it or am I in a bar where you ask for things like a margarita and it is perfectly
normal
?’
‘I’ll have a beer,’ Billy says to the barman, who is backing away now, busying himself washing glasses in boiling water,scalding his hands, trying to remember if his horoscope said today was going to be a good day.
‘And don’t fucking give it to me in a hot glass.’
Girl bangs her hand on the fake-marble tabletop. Adjusts her new sun shades. Runs her fingers through her blond fringe. Twitchy.
‘Billy, it’s easy. So damn easy I don’t know why we didn’t do it years before. FreezerWorld. It’s like this, Billy – are you listening?’
‘Yep.’ Her brother knows exactly what she’s going to say. They’ve already planned it four times. It’s been well discussed. They’re having a cocktail and then they’re going to
do
FreezerWorld. Except Girl is losing it. Taking her nerves out on the barman.
‘Sooner we get out of this country, the better. I’m telling you, Billy, this is the last straw. England is
fucked
. I was really looking forward to a margarita.’
When the barman brings Billy his beer, Girl asks for
Chapter 11
‘You don’t know how to make a margarita?’
Billy and Girl are sitting perched on the chrome and plastic stools at the bar of the Holiday Inn. Girl sulks in shades with striped zebra-patterned frames. Billy wears a herringbone suit. Always dress smart when you’re about to rob a superstore.
‘You don’t know how to make a margarita?’ Girl repeats in disbelief.
The barman shakes his head. ‘Never had cause to make ’em here. Folk want a gin and tonic, or a scotch usually.’
‘Jesus fucking Christ!’ Girl is getting hysterical. ‘You don’t make cocktails in this hotel?’
‘Nope.’
‘What’s the point of him?’ Girl shouts at Billy, who just shakes his head incredulously.
‘Look, do you know what a cocktail is?’
The barman nods wearily. ‘Yep. It’s mixers.’
‘Jeeezus! Where are you from?’
‘Devon, madam.’
‘Yeah, well.’ Girl looks at him sorrowfully through her new shades. ‘Suppose you only drink milk in Devon.
Milk
!’
‘Is there something else I can get you, madam?’
‘Cocktails are martinis and gimlets, manhattans and margaritas. Martinis have been drunk for
ever
. It’s not like cocktails are a new thing! Everyone loves a drink shaken up. You should have a juicer behind the bar for starters and abriefcase busting with bartending tools inside it! You need a bar spoon, a blender, a jigger, measuring cup, mixing glass, paring knife, standard shaker and a strainer. Got any of those things,
Mr
Barman?’
‘I have some lemon slices, madam, if you would like a gin and tonic?’
‘Lemon slices?’ Girl is amazed and disgusted. She looks at the ceiling and shakes her head tragically. ‘You telling me that if I want a garnish for my cocktail all you can offer me is a lemon slice? Got any celery? Cinnamon sticks? Pickled jalapeño peppers? Almond syrup? You think tonic is a mixer? Got any coconut cream? Clamato juice? Guava nectar? Bitter lemon soda?’
‘Nope.’
‘Okay, I’ll tell you what.’ Girl lowers her voice and winks at him, giving him a chance. ‘If you can’t make a margarita, mix me a Mermaid’s Song instead.’
The barman looks nervous. ‘I can give you a martini, madam.’
Girl stares at him coldly. ‘We want a margarita. Have you got Triple Sec?’
‘I’ve got Cointreau.’
Muzak leaks out of the speakers.
‘Okay. Have you got tequila?’
‘Nope. Not much call for it, madam.’
‘Not much call for it! Did you hear that, Billy? This is a bar, isn’t it? Have I got this wrong? Is this
not
a bar? Am I wrong about this? Am I in a dry cleaner’s? Am I asking the dry cleaner for a margarita and he is telling me there’s not much call for it or am I in a bar where you ask for things like a margarita and it is perfectly
normal
?’
‘I’ll have a beer,’ Billy says to the barman, who is backing away now, busying himself washing glasses in boiling water,scalding his hands, trying to remember if his horoscope said today was going to be a good day.
‘And don’t fucking give it to me in a hot glass.’
Girl bangs her hand on the fake-marble tabletop. Adjusts her new sun shades. Runs her fingers through her blond fringe. Twitchy.
‘Billy, it’s easy. So damn easy I don’t know why we didn’t do it years before. FreezerWorld. It’s like this, Billy – are you listening?’
‘Yep.’ Her brother knows exactly what she’s going to say. They’ve already planned it four times. It’s been well discussed. They’re having a cocktail and then they’re going to
do
FreezerWorld. Except Girl is losing it. Taking her nerves out on the barman.
‘Sooner we get out of this country, the better. I’m telling you, Billy, this is the last straw. England is
fucked
. I was really looking forward to a margarita.’
When the barman brings Billy his beer, Girl asks for
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