turn away from him, afraid of embarrassing myself any further. Why can’t I just be normal around him. I pick up the paper sacks as the smell of chicken fried rice, fills my every sense. By the time I make it to the coffee table in the living room I’m ready to rip the bags open. I set them down and let Rex make the plates. Just as I start to think about how hungry I am, I catch Rex staring at me.
“What?” I ask, self-consciously running my hands through my hair. Is there a twig in it or something? My tongue scrapes against the front of my teeth feeling into the tiny crevasses for pieces of food. He smiles over at me as if I’m the world. As if, I’m the one thing he lives for. When someone looks at you like that you can’t help but stop breathing.
“Nothing. I just want to tell you, I’m sorry again. I thought kissing you was the right thing to do. Honestly though, I couldn’t hold myself back one more second. All I wanted to do was run my hands through your hair, feel your skin on mine, and your breath mixed with mine. I can’t be near you without feeling like I need to be in you.” His words make my breath escape out of my lungs faster than needed. I gasp in a breath, but cover it with a cough.
“I’m sorry if that’s too blunt, and I know it’s all way too fucking soon, but I just can’t be around you without wanting to touch you. Time is never on our side… never. It goes by faster than it’s given, and to spend one more second with the way things were… I just couldn’t handle it Jenna.” He’s pouring his heart out to me in a way I never expected, in a way I’ve never seen. I knew how he felt about me but I didn’t know it was this deep, and that scares me. Loving someone deeply makes you vulnerable to pain, and that’s something I’ve had far enough of in my life.
“Don’t be sorry Rex. Don’t ruin this night trying to make up for things of the past. You ’re right time goes by too fast. Therefore instead of living in the past, live in the future. At this moment that’s the only thing we can change.” Change. Such a funny word. Whether I walked down this path with Rex now or later didn’t matter. The day he pulled up in that lifted red Dodge Ram truck is the day my life forever changed. I don’t care what anyone says, young love is real; it’s heart beating, innocence, all consuming, earth shattering, and raw. It’s young and blooming. It’s deep and full of pain, but it’s anything but unreal. That’s what our love was like once before.
“I know, man do I know. But I will spend forever making up those nine months that I should’ve been with you. I know what I did may seem insignificant to others, but I have never hated myself more.” Shame is written all over his face, and I thought I would love the moment he came groveling at my feet. Therefore over the months the hate and anger dissipated and I slowly learned holding that shit in did no good when you were trying to grow from it. Instead of feeling that happiness all I was feeling was sadness. Sadness that Rex assumed he had to make it up to me.
“Rex, I’m only going to say this once. What you did hurt. It hurt so bad I felt like I lost a piece of myself when the words of what you did came out. I wanted to hate you, and for a short time I even did. I prayed you would come groveling to me, begging for me to forgive you and you did. But you see I was being no better than Corey, I was leading you on a string. Making you feel bad for something you may or may not have done. I don’t want to live in the past Rex, and though I don’t know what will happen in the future we will never be able to be together if you feel that everything you do needs to be made up to me. I wanted you for the person you were a year ago, and I want you for the person you are now. Don’t change that. Please.” My voice is wobbly and pleading and I can
“What?” I ask, self-consciously running my hands through my hair. Is there a twig in it or something? My tongue scrapes against the front of my teeth feeling into the tiny crevasses for pieces of food. He smiles over at me as if I’m the world. As if, I’m the one thing he lives for. When someone looks at you like that you can’t help but stop breathing.
“Nothing. I just want to tell you, I’m sorry again. I thought kissing you was the right thing to do. Honestly though, I couldn’t hold myself back one more second. All I wanted to do was run my hands through your hair, feel your skin on mine, and your breath mixed with mine. I can’t be near you without feeling like I need to be in you.” His words make my breath escape out of my lungs faster than needed. I gasp in a breath, but cover it with a cough.
“I’m sorry if that’s too blunt, and I know it’s all way too fucking soon, but I just can’t be around you without wanting to touch you. Time is never on our side… never. It goes by faster than it’s given, and to spend one more second with the way things were… I just couldn’t handle it Jenna.” He’s pouring his heart out to me in a way I never expected, in a way I’ve never seen. I knew how he felt about me but I didn’t know it was this deep, and that scares me. Loving someone deeply makes you vulnerable to pain, and that’s something I’ve had far enough of in my life.
“Don’t be sorry Rex. Don’t ruin this night trying to make up for things of the past. You ’re right time goes by too fast. Therefore instead of living in the past, live in the future. At this moment that’s the only thing we can change.” Change. Such a funny word. Whether I walked down this path with Rex now or later didn’t matter. The day he pulled up in that lifted red Dodge Ram truck is the day my life forever changed. I don’t care what anyone says, young love is real; it’s heart beating, innocence, all consuming, earth shattering, and raw. It’s young and blooming. It’s deep and full of pain, but it’s anything but unreal. That’s what our love was like once before.
“I know, man do I know. But I will spend forever making up those nine months that I should’ve been with you. I know what I did may seem insignificant to others, but I have never hated myself more.” Shame is written all over his face, and I thought I would love the moment he came groveling at my feet. Therefore over the months the hate and anger dissipated and I slowly learned holding that shit in did no good when you were trying to grow from it. Instead of feeling that happiness all I was feeling was sadness. Sadness that Rex assumed he had to make it up to me.
“Rex, I’m only going to say this once. What you did hurt. It hurt so bad I felt like I lost a piece of myself when the words of what you did came out. I wanted to hate you, and for a short time I even did. I prayed you would come groveling to me, begging for me to forgive you and you did. But you see I was being no better than Corey, I was leading you on a string. Making you feel bad for something you may or may not have done. I don’t want to live in the past Rex, and though I don’t know what will happen in the future we will never be able to be together if you feel that everything you do needs to be made up to me. I wanted you for the person you were a year ago, and I want you for the person you are now. Don’t change that. Please.” My voice is wobbly and pleading and I can
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