but faced with that smile nobody seemed to care. It was a Tom Cruise, fifty million dollar, all-encompassing, I own the world and the world loves me smile. Of course, none of this was going to mean a thing if he was stupid. I couldn’t do stupid; it was just too depressing. It was going to hinge on his answer to ‘My Penis Is’.
The boys decided you couldn’t top ‘bacon’ and moved onto the letter C. Charlie was drinking a lot of his pint, trying to think of what his penis ‘was’.
‘Come on, Charlie, ss’get ss move on!’ Jon shouted a little too enthusiastically.
Charlie was still drinking, his eyes widening as he thought, spluttering out beer as he laughed at the others all staring at him and laughing, banging their palms on the table to hurry him up. He slammed his pint down suddenly,
‘My penis is cathartic!’ he yelled, and all the boys went a little quiet. A couple of them tittered embarrassed, and Jon went, ‘Eh? It’s what?’
‘You know, cathartic, like relaxing, you know,’ Charlie justified.
‘Nah, mate, haven’t got a s’clue what you’re talking about,’ Jon said.
‘I know what he means, they can be … cathartic …’ I said, without thinking, forgetting my ‘play it cool’ rules straight away.
But the boys all cheered, and I drank some beer, caught Charlie’s eye, and he winked at me, and mouthed ‘thanks’. I honestly, literally, nearly fell off my chair. If there hadn’t been a big wooden armrest between me and the floor, I would have been face down in the grime and beer and cigarette butts. Which would have been a good look.
‘Nah, mate, I don’t think we should let him have it – he’sgot to think of s’another one.’ Jon was lashed, but it was his birthday, his game, his rules.
‘Alright, alright, Jon, mate, it is your birthday.’ Charlie took a sip of his beer, put it squarely back on the table, and announced, ‘My penis is crooked.’
The boys cheered and raised their glasses, and I raised my eyebrows at Charlie, who raised his glass at me. I downed my beer, looked away at the rest of the bar, and felt my neck. I looked back at Charlie, who was watching me, as intended. I wondered how desperate I had become, whether it had been so long that anybody was looking good, and whether I was actually dreaming this perfectly ordinary guy into the man I wanted to meet. I put my beer down, and resolved not to drink too much, to ensure I was seeing straight. The game continued, but my concentration was shot to hell.
Later on in the evening, when Jon had passed out, and was proudly propped up at a table in the corner, his glasses falling off one side of his face, I was chatting to Jake about who had missed the most lectures that week. We were almost proud; no we actually were proud. I just don’t know what we managed to do with our time – we had ten hours a week, maximum, yet I couldn’t make it to half of them. Unfortunately we weren’t actually required to pass the exams at the end of it, just attend the lectures. But the lectures were all so crowded, nobody knew if you were there or not, and if we didn’t have to pass the exam at the end of it, our reasoning was simple: we didn’t need to go, so we weren’t going to go.
I kept one eye on Charlie as he wandered back from the bar again, a couple of drinks in hand, smiling at everybody around him, including a couple of cheerleader types who stared at him as he walked past. Jake noticed my eye wandering, and before I could protest, was calling him over. Charlie put thedrinks down on the table, grabbed his beer, and squeezed in next to me.
‘I preferred cathartic to crooked, so much less graphic.’ I gave him a grimace.
‘But no less accurate. We haven’t been introduced – I’m Charlie,’ and he held out his hand. I offered him my hand back, and we shook on it.
‘Are you here for the year?’
This was the most important question – if he was only here for one term, as were some of the other
The boys decided you couldn’t top ‘bacon’ and moved onto the letter C. Charlie was drinking a lot of his pint, trying to think of what his penis ‘was’.
‘Come on, Charlie, ss’get ss move on!’ Jon shouted a little too enthusiastically.
Charlie was still drinking, his eyes widening as he thought, spluttering out beer as he laughed at the others all staring at him and laughing, banging their palms on the table to hurry him up. He slammed his pint down suddenly,
‘My penis is cathartic!’ he yelled, and all the boys went a little quiet. A couple of them tittered embarrassed, and Jon went, ‘Eh? It’s what?’
‘You know, cathartic, like relaxing, you know,’ Charlie justified.
‘Nah, mate, haven’t got a s’clue what you’re talking about,’ Jon said.
‘I know what he means, they can be … cathartic …’ I said, without thinking, forgetting my ‘play it cool’ rules straight away.
But the boys all cheered, and I drank some beer, caught Charlie’s eye, and he winked at me, and mouthed ‘thanks’. I honestly, literally, nearly fell off my chair. If there hadn’t been a big wooden armrest between me and the floor, I would have been face down in the grime and beer and cigarette butts. Which would have been a good look.
‘Nah, mate, I don’t think we should let him have it – he’sgot to think of s’another one.’ Jon was lashed, but it was his birthday, his game, his rules.
‘Alright, alright, Jon, mate, it is your birthday.’ Charlie took a sip of his beer, put it squarely back on the table, and announced, ‘My penis is crooked.’
The boys cheered and raised their glasses, and I raised my eyebrows at Charlie, who raised his glass at me. I downed my beer, looked away at the rest of the bar, and felt my neck. I looked back at Charlie, who was watching me, as intended. I wondered how desperate I had become, whether it had been so long that anybody was looking good, and whether I was actually dreaming this perfectly ordinary guy into the man I wanted to meet. I put my beer down, and resolved not to drink too much, to ensure I was seeing straight. The game continued, but my concentration was shot to hell.
Later on in the evening, when Jon had passed out, and was proudly propped up at a table in the corner, his glasses falling off one side of his face, I was chatting to Jake about who had missed the most lectures that week. We were almost proud; no we actually were proud. I just don’t know what we managed to do with our time – we had ten hours a week, maximum, yet I couldn’t make it to half of them. Unfortunately we weren’t actually required to pass the exams at the end of it, just attend the lectures. But the lectures were all so crowded, nobody knew if you were there or not, and if we didn’t have to pass the exam at the end of it, our reasoning was simple: we didn’t need to go, so we weren’t going to go.
I kept one eye on Charlie as he wandered back from the bar again, a couple of drinks in hand, smiling at everybody around him, including a couple of cheerleader types who stared at him as he walked past. Jake noticed my eye wandering, and before I could protest, was calling him over. Charlie put thedrinks down on the table, grabbed his beer, and squeezed in next to me.
‘I preferred cathartic to crooked, so much less graphic.’ I gave him a grimace.
‘But no less accurate. We haven’t been introduced – I’m Charlie,’ and he held out his hand. I offered him my hand back, and we shook on it.
‘Are you here for the year?’
This was the most important question – if he was only here for one term, as were some of the other
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