Brain Droppings by George Carlin Page B

can get plenty of sad tales somewhere else in this victim-packed society. Fuck all that dewy-eyed sentimental bullshit about people who are sick. And that includes any athlete whose father died a week before the game who says, “This one’s for Pop.” American bathos. Keep it to yourself. Play ball!
    And I shouldn’t even have to mention severly injured athletes who are playing on “nothing but heart.” Fuck you! Suck it up and get out there, motherfucker.
    And they’re always tellin’ ya that one of these athletes has a tumor. Don’t they know that no one gives a fuck? You know when you care about a tumor? When you have it! Or someone
    close to you. Who cares about an athlete? No one cares if a rock star gets a tumor. What’s so special about an athlete? By the way, you ever notice you don’t hear as much about rock stars getting these tumors as you do about athletes? Maybe the drug life is a little better for us than all that stupid sweaty shit the athletes put themselves through. Just speculating.
    And I don’t wanna know about sports teams that sew the i initials of dead people on their jerseys for one whole season as if it really means something. Leave that mawkish bullshit in the locker room. I don’t wanna know who’s in mourning. Play ball, you fuckin’ grotesque overdeveloped nitwits!
    And you can skip tellin’ me about the Chevrolet player of the game. A thousand-dollar contribution to a scholarship fund in the athlete’s name. Shit. A thousand dollars won’t even keep a kid in decent drugs for one semester. Fuck Chevrolet.
    And when are they gonna discover that no one cares if an athlete is active in local charities? People don’t want to know about some coke-headed, steroid monstrosity who’s working to help the National Douche Bag Foundation. Or how much he cares about inner-city kids. Can the cocksuck-er play ball? Fine. Then suit him up and get him the fuck out there on the field and let him injure someone.
    One last thing on this topic. No one, repeat, no one is inter
ested in athletes who can sing or play musical instruments. We
already have people to perform these tasks. They’re called
singers and musicians, and, at last count, it would seem we
have quite enough of them. The fact that someone with an IQ
triple his age has mastered a few simple chords is unimportant
and of monumental disinterest. Play ball!,,
    GEORGE CARLIN
PASSTHEROLES
    I’m surprised that all this shit about role models has persisted a* long as it has. Why should a kid need a role model? You know what you tell a kid? “Get the fuck out there, get a job, and make a contri-. button.” Never mind that role model shit. If this country is dependent on things like role models, we’re much worse off than I thought.
    People say athletes should be role models. I never looked up to ai^ athlete, did you? I liked them. I didn’t copy them. Did you ever listen to one of those guys talk? Would you want your kid to turn out like that? Willing to completely subordinate his ego and individuality for the sake of a group whose sole purpose is to compete with oth&r groups? Can’t have a mustache? Gotta wear a suit jacket? Shit! kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.
    Sf OlflS pNDUf
    I like sports because I enjoy knowing that many of the&e macho athletes have to vomit before a big game. Any guy who would take a job where you gotta puke first is my kinda guy.
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    I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I’m glad somebody in sports gjot stabbed. I like the idea of it; it’s good entertainment. If we”re lucky, it’ll spread all through sports. And show business, to>o! Wouldn’t you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab soitne famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Mayrbe they’ll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I’m ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I’ll cut your eye out and go right