always treating me with the utmost respect. I wiped a dribble of egg from my chin. “Frank? Why are you still single? You’re a wonderful bloke, professional, easy on the eye, why hasn’t a gorgeous young filly snapped you up yet?”
Frank grinned, “why’d you want to know? Keen to put in an order for yourself are you?”
I ignored that comment. “I know you were married, so why didn’t you ever tie the knot again? Was it really that painful?”
A shadow flashed across his eyes. “We met at school,” he began. “Cassie was beautiful, funny, caring. We married young and after just a couple of years she fell pregnant …” Frank fell silent and I knew he had returned to that time. The haunted expression had gone, now he just seemed empty.
“Cassie loved kids, all kids.” He chuckled suddenly, surprising me with the unexpected mirth. “She always said not to call them kids, because a kid is a baby goat.”
I smiled and nodded. That was one of my pet hates too.
“She was so excited when she hit the first milestone,” Frank continued, “twelve weeks, no problems. We started to tell everyone; Cassie would have shouted it from the rooftops if I’d let her climb up there.”
Frank hesitated, the torment had returned, and impulsively I reached out my hand, entwining my fingers with Frank’s, comforting with a touch. Frank’s mouth twitched in what could have been a smile and he squeezed my fingers gratefully.
“I got into a habit of going out for a drink with mates a few times a week. With everything that was going on, I needed some space to relax; be around people who thought Cassie’s pregnancy was the toughest thing happening to me. One night I must have lost track of time,” he shrugged, “and drank too much again ’cause by the time I got home I was totally knackered, a bit unsteady. You know how it is?”
I nodded understandingly, “what was going on at the time?”
“Doesn’t matter.” Frank looked sharply at me, then his expression softened. “Suffice to say, the alcohol wasn’t helping me forget like it was supposed to, even though I was drinking way too much. When I got home, I was tired and feverish, my head pounding.” Absently he rubbed his temples, “it was hard to concentrate and all I cared about was reaching my bed as soon as I could.”
“Were you sick? Was it the alcohol?”
Frank shrugged; not so much an indication of doubt, more a brush-off. None of my business. He sighed, “we lived in a townhouse with the bedrooms upstairs. I remember feeling angry, at everything and everyone, it was totally irrational but I felt like crap.
“I went upstairs and as I came out of the bathroom, someone was standing in front of me, blocking my way.”
“Cassie?”
Frank nodded. “I can’t remember what she said to me, everything’s a blur, all I remember is staggering into the bedroom and falling into bed. The anger had gone and I just felt … relieved.”
“Well, that’s good, isn’t it?” One look at Frank’s face though and I wasn’t so sure. I pressed lightly on his fingers.
“I found her a few hours later,” he spoke so quietly I could hardly hear the words. “At the bottom of the stairs; there was blood everywhere.”
“Oh, God –”
“She’d lost the baby, almost her own life as well. They told her she’d never conceive again; never be a mother. Never have the one thing she truly wanted.”
“Oh, Frank,” I gave him a quick, hard hug, my cheek pressed to his. I didn’t know what to say. No words could ever heal this wound.
Frank gripped me tight then pushed me away so he could look into my eyes. “I blame myself, Kate. I know I should have seen someone about my problem sooner and if I had, maybe I wouldn’t have lost my balance. And, oh God, that damned alcohol … I was numb.
“I found out later what had happened. Apparently I’d lost my balance as I lurched past her. She said I was spaced-out; those were her words, spaced-out again , like a
Frank grinned, “why’d you want to know? Keen to put in an order for yourself are you?”
I ignored that comment. “I know you were married, so why didn’t you ever tie the knot again? Was it really that painful?”
A shadow flashed across his eyes. “We met at school,” he began. “Cassie was beautiful, funny, caring. We married young and after just a couple of years she fell pregnant …” Frank fell silent and I knew he had returned to that time. The haunted expression had gone, now he just seemed empty.
“Cassie loved kids, all kids.” He chuckled suddenly, surprising me with the unexpected mirth. “She always said not to call them kids, because a kid is a baby goat.”
I smiled and nodded. That was one of my pet hates too.
“She was so excited when she hit the first milestone,” Frank continued, “twelve weeks, no problems. We started to tell everyone; Cassie would have shouted it from the rooftops if I’d let her climb up there.”
Frank hesitated, the torment had returned, and impulsively I reached out my hand, entwining my fingers with Frank’s, comforting with a touch. Frank’s mouth twitched in what could have been a smile and he squeezed my fingers gratefully.
“I got into a habit of going out for a drink with mates a few times a week. With everything that was going on, I needed some space to relax; be around people who thought Cassie’s pregnancy was the toughest thing happening to me. One night I must have lost track of time,” he shrugged, “and drank too much again ’cause by the time I got home I was totally knackered, a bit unsteady. You know how it is?”
I nodded understandingly, “what was going on at the time?”
“Doesn’t matter.” Frank looked sharply at me, then his expression softened. “Suffice to say, the alcohol wasn’t helping me forget like it was supposed to, even though I was drinking way too much. When I got home, I was tired and feverish, my head pounding.” Absently he rubbed his temples, “it was hard to concentrate and all I cared about was reaching my bed as soon as I could.”
“Were you sick? Was it the alcohol?”
Frank shrugged; not so much an indication of doubt, more a brush-off. None of my business. He sighed, “we lived in a townhouse with the bedrooms upstairs. I remember feeling angry, at everything and everyone, it was totally irrational but I felt like crap.
“I went upstairs and as I came out of the bathroom, someone was standing in front of me, blocking my way.”
“Cassie?”
Frank nodded. “I can’t remember what she said to me, everything’s a blur, all I remember is staggering into the bedroom and falling into bed. The anger had gone and I just felt … relieved.”
“Well, that’s good, isn’t it?” One look at Frank’s face though and I wasn’t so sure. I pressed lightly on his fingers.
“I found her a few hours later,” he spoke so quietly I could hardly hear the words. “At the bottom of the stairs; there was blood everywhere.”
“Oh, God –”
“She’d lost the baby, almost her own life as well. They told her she’d never conceive again; never be a mother. Never have the one thing she truly wanted.”
“Oh, Frank,” I gave him a quick, hard hug, my cheek pressed to his. I didn’t know what to say. No words could ever heal this wound.
Frank gripped me tight then pushed me away so he could look into my eyes. “I blame myself, Kate. I know I should have seen someone about my problem sooner and if I had, maybe I wouldn’t have lost my balance. And, oh God, that damned alcohol … I was numb.
“I found out later what had happened. Apparently I’d lost my balance as I lurched past her. She said I was spaced-out; those were her words, spaced-out again , like a
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