any more. He was dead and I didn’t want to pretend I wasn’t happy about it. But my words came out too fast and Uncle Jim eyed me warily. “Really,” I tried again, slower this time. “I suppose it just hasn’t hit me yet.”
He nodded in what he thought was understanding as Becca returned to an uncomfortable silence. “You told her without me?” she accused. Uncle Jim fumbled a response and Becca turned to me. “Abby, honey, I know it’s a shock but this is a really good thing.” Her eyes were as bright as the yellow light overhead when she spoke and I wondered what the hell she was talking about.
“I mean,” she continued. “You’ll have a cousin. A little girl or a little boy that you can teach to swim—,”
“You’re pregnant?” I shrieked and all around us heads snapped to gape in our direction. I lowered my voice and repeated the question.
Becca palmed her stomach and nodded while Uncle Jim stared down at her, his eyes moist with a mixture of pride and awe. I wondered what it would be like for that kid. To be born to two people who loved it before it was even real. Before it even had a chance to show them who it was. Before there was really any reason to love it at all.
I racked my brain for an appropriate response but, “I thought you couldn’t have kids,” was all I could manage to come up with. I knew that they’d tried before and failed. And I knew that it had nearly broken my uncle in two.
Becca’s gaze fell to the tablecloth, a red and white checkered thing with stains I hadn’t noticed before but now couldn’t stop staring at. “I didn’t think I could,” she said. “Your uncle and I, we had a few near misses that I thought would ruin us. After that, we just quit trying. I guess at the time it seemed more important that he and I remain intact than it did for us to grow.”
Our entrees arrived on a massive round tray. The waitress set our hot plates before us and cleared the forgotten appetizer while Becca sipped her water. It dawned on me that I should’ve realized something was up the second she hadn’t ordered a Coke. Becca drank Coke like it was her job. I was sure it was the source of her perkiness.
“But last year,” she continued when the waitress departed. “After I lost my dad, and with you going away to college soon…I don’t know. It just seemed like the right time to start trying for a family of our own again.”
I stuffed a piece of steak in my mouth to avoid saying something stupid again. “How long have you known?” I asked between mouthfuls a while later. As shocking as the news was, I had to eat. There’d be no food at home. If I didn’t remember to go shopping there’d be nothing in the fridge except vodka and cranberry juice.
Becca cleared her throat, ran a hand across the front of her neck nervously and took another sip of water. “About twelve weeks,” she finally confessed.
Maybe she thought I wouldn’t be able to convert weeks to months in my head, but I did the math rather quickly. “Three months! And you didn’t tell me?!”
“I didn’t want to jinx it. The last time, I got so excited I was shouting it from the rooftops and then…” She didn’t have to say it. I knew what came THEN. I was only thirteen or fourteen at the time, but I remember the emptiness I witnessed in her eyes for months.
I wondered how it felt to have a part of you die. I wasn’t whole. Just bits and pieces of things unwanted. But I’d be been born that way. I didn’t know any better. But Becca had been whole and a piece had been ripped from her. A gaping wound left oozing and festering. A wound, that even now with a new baby on the way, I didn’t think had properly healed.
“So, what do you think?” she asked me.
I should’ve realized I’d be expected to respond in some sort of coherent manner. My heart swelled with an emotion I suspected was joy, but there was something else mixed in. Uncertainty? Regret, maybe? A sadness because I wouldn’t
He nodded in what he thought was understanding as Becca returned to an uncomfortable silence. “You told her without me?” she accused. Uncle Jim fumbled a response and Becca turned to me. “Abby, honey, I know it’s a shock but this is a really good thing.” Her eyes were as bright as the yellow light overhead when she spoke and I wondered what the hell she was talking about.
“I mean,” she continued. “You’ll have a cousin. A little girl or a little boy that you can teach to swim—,”
“You’re pregnant?” I shrieked and all around us heads snapped to gape in our direction. I lowered my voice and repeated the question.
Becca palmed her stomach and nodded while Uncle Jim stared down at her, his eyes moist with a mixture of pride and awe. I wondered what it would be like for that kid. To be born to two people who loved it before it was even real. Before it even had a chance to show them who it was. Before there was really any reason to love it at all.
I racked my brain for an appropriate response but, “I thought you couldn’t have kids,” was all I could manage to come up with. I knew that they’d tried before and failed. And I knew that it had nearly broken my uncle in two.
Becca’s gaze fell to the tablecloth, a red and white checkered thing with stains I hadn’t noticed before but now couldn’t stop staring at. “I didn’t think I could,” she said. “Your uncle and I, we had a few near misses that I thought would ruin us. After that, we just quit trying. I guess at the time it seemed more important that he and I remain intact than it did for us to grow.”
Our entrees arrived on a massive round tray. The waitress set our hot plates before us and cleared the forgotten appetizer while Becca sipped her water. It dawned on me that I should’ve realized something was up the second she hadn’t ordered a Coke. Becca drank Coke like it was her job. I was sure it was the source of her perkiness.
“But last year,” she continued when the waitress departed. “After I lost my dad, and with you going away to college soon…I don’t know. It just seemed like the right time to start trying for a family of our own again.”
I stuffed a piece of steak in my mouth to avoid saying something stupid again. “How long have you known?” I asked between mouthfuls a while later. As shocking as the news was, I had to eat. There’d be no food at home. If I didn’t remember to go shopping there’d be nothing in the fridge except vodka and cranberry juice.
Becca cleared her throat, ran a hand across the front of her neck nervously and took another sip of water. “About twelve weeks,” she finally confessed.
Maybe she thought I wouldn’t be able to convert weeks to months in my head, but I did the math rather quickly. “Three months! And you didn’t tell me?!”
“I didn’t want to jinx it. The last time, I got so excited I was shouting it from the rooftops and then…” She didn’t have to say it. I knew what came THEN. I was only thirteen or fourteen at the time, but I remember the emptiness I witnessed in her eyes for months.
I wondered how it felt to have a part of you die. I wasn’t whole. Just bits and pieces of things unwanted. But I’d be been born that way. I didn’t know any better. But Becca had been whole and a piece had been ripped from her. A gaping wound left oozing and festering. A wound, that even now with a new baby on the way, I didn’t think had properly healed.
“So, what do you think?” she asked me.
I should’ve realized I’d be expected to respond in some sort of coherent manner. My heart swelled with an emotion I suspected was joy, but there was something else mixed in. Uncertainty? Regret, maybe? A sadness because I wouldn’t
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