“No, I haven’t. When I had the meltdown and went in the pantry…” I’ve had lots of breakdowns today. Somehow I expected my human self to handle things better than this.
To that, Lucien just stands there, tapping his foot. “You never believe anything I have to say.”
Oh for the love of… “I’m talking about now , Lucien. I’m talking about how you are working with Seth.”
“You have trust issues, anyone ever told you that?” His eyes flash, and I know why. He knows exactly who told me I had trust issues. Colleen.
My stomach feels like it’s been punched. I want to double over, but I don’t want to give him the satisfaction. As for Lucien, for a split second, and I mean a very split second, he looks like he feels really bad about what he said. Like he wishes he could take it back. His eyes soften, and he takes a deep breath before his expression hardens again.
“We don’t need to talk about that.”
“I think we should!” Lucien screams. “I think we should because we’ve been avoiding it for what, decades? You shot me because of it!”
“I did not!” It’s my turn to yell. My voice is shaking just like my hands, and I can’t control either. “I did not shoot you because I have trust issues. I shot you because you shot me!”
“Because you thought I shot you.”
“Yes.”
“Because someone whispered it in your ear.”
My bubble bursts. “Yes.”
“So, you have no trouble trusting people, except when it comes to me.” He’s breathing heavily, and I think any minute he’s going to cry. He’s probably mad enough to cry. I know I am. Except for today, I can’t remember the last time I cried in front of him. That’s a lie. I do remember. But it had nothing to do with anger. It had everything to do with sadness and grief and loss and everything else, every bit of guilt I’ve had to carry around on my shoulders all these years.
“That’s not true.” Stupid voice in my head, the one that likes to betray me at the most inopportune moments. I hate it. I hate myself.
BABY!
“Oh really. Because it looks pretty true to me. Think about your greatest hits, Jessup. Not believing Colleen when she told you there was nothing between us and we were over. Going all crazy because of it. Not believing me when I told you the same damn thing. And when you do trust someone, when you do decide, hey, I’m going to rely on what this person has to say as gospel, that person is insane! You’ve been working with Seth since the beginning, since we died. You did everything he asked you to do because you trusted him!”
“Because he said he’d help me get you.”
“And how did that work out for ya?”
“Well… I got you, didn’t I?” My fire is dying down. Having to relive all my greatest hits—I’m not handling it well. I fall back in the chair and slump down. I’m so tired. My brain is starting to fog over, and if I could sleep for a year, I’d totally be okay about it. “Look, Lucien. I get it. You are pissed at me. I deserve it. I deserve it all and more. You can hate me all you want when this is over with, but if we don’t work together, it will be sooner rather than later. I swear that much to you. You know it too. You know there’s no way we can stop Gracen without working together.”
I look up at him for what seems like forever, pleading with him to understand. I need him to understand.
“Yes, we can’t stop Gracen without teamwork.” His voice is low. His features are neutral. Like all the fire has burned out in them.
That’s progress at least. He’s not yelling at me or throwing things. I was expecting him to be throwing things. I would’ve thrown things.
And I’d deserve it if he did.
But that’s for another time.
We’ll have that conversation. I know we will. Just not now. Not when Gracen needs me.
“We need to find her,” I say as calmly as I can. My insides feel anything but. “We have to keep her from doing anything she’ll regret.”
“Or the
To that, Lucien just stands there, tapping his foot. “You never believe anything I have to say.”
Oh for the love of… “I’m talking about now , Lucien. I’m talking about how you are working with Seth.”
“You have trust issues, anyone ever told you that?” His eyes flash, and I know why. He knows exactly who told me I had trust issues. Colleen.
My stomach feels like it’s been punched. I want to double over, but I don’t want to give him the satisfaction. As for Lucien, for a split second, and I mean a very split second, he looks like he feels really bad about what he said. Like he wishes he could take it back. His eyes soften, and he takes a deep breath before his expression hardens again.
“We don’t need to talk about that.”
“I think we should!” Lucien screams. “I think we should because we’ve been avoiding it for what, decades? You shot me because of it!”
“I did not!” It’s my turn to yell. My voice is shaking just like my hands, and I can’t control either. “I did not shoot you because I have trust issues. I shot you because you shot me!”
“Because you thought I shot you.”
“Yes.”
“Because someone whispered it in your ear.”
My bubble bursts. “Yes.”
“So, you have no trouble trusting people, except when it comes to me.” He’s breathing heavily, and I think any minute he’s going to cry. He’s probably mad enough to cry. I know I am. Except for today, I can’t remember the last time I cried in front of him. That’s a lie. I do remember. But it had nothing to do with anger. It had everything to do with sadness and grief and loss and everything else, every bit of guilt I’ve had to carry around on my shoulders all these years.
“That’s not true.” Stupid voice in my head, the one that likes to betray me at the most inopportune moments. I hate it. I hate myself.
BABY!
“Oh really. Because it looks pretty true to me. Think about your greatest hits, Jessup. Not believing Colleen when she told you there was nothing between us and we were over. Going all crazy because of it. Not believing me when I told you the same damn thing. And when you do trust someone, when you do decide, hey, I’m going to rely on what this person has to say as gospel, that person is insane! You’ve been working with Seth since the beginning, since we died. You did everything he asked you to do because you trusted him!”
“Because he said he’d help me get you.”
“And how did that work out for ya?”
“Well… I got you, didn’t I?” My fire is dying down. Having to relive all my greatest hits—I’m not handling it well. I fall back in the chair and slump down. I’m so tired. My brain is starting to fog over, and if I could sleep for a year, I’d totally be okay about it. “Look, Lucien. I get it. You are pissed at me. I deserve it. I deserve it all and more. You can hate me all you want when this is over with, but if we don’t work together, it will be sooner rather than later. I swear that much to you. You know it too. You know there’s no way we can stop Gracen without working together.”
I look up at him for what seems like forever, pleading with him to understand. I need him to understand.
“Yes, we can’t stop Gracen without teamwork.” His voice is low. His features are neutral. Like all the fire has burned out in them.
That’s progress at least. He’s not yelling at me or throwing things. I was expecting him to be throwing things. I would’ve thrown things.
And I’d deserve it if he did.
But that’s for another time.
We’ll have that conversation. I know we will. Just not now. Not when Gracen needs me.
“We need to find her,” I say as calmly as I can. My insides feel anything but. “We have to keep her from doing anything she’ll regret.”
“Or the
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