Why?
PRIVATE : To get to the other side. Ha-ha! Why does a hen lay an egg?
PUBLIC : Why?
PRIVATE : Because it can’t lay a brick. Yo-ho. Why does a sailor wear a round hat?
PUBLIC : Why?
PRIVATE : To cover his head. Hee-hee-hee. Nought out of three; very bad for a man of average intelligence. That’s the style. Keep working; keep the mind active and well stretched by knowing the best that is thought and written in the world, and you wouldn’t call Daddy Senator your father-in-law,
( Sings. )
Give the woman in the bed more porter
Give the man beside her water
Give the woman in the bed more porter
More porter for the woman in the bed.
( Confidentially ) D’you know what I think, laddie, I mean, just looking at you there.
PUBLIC : What?
PRIVATE : You’d make a hell of a fine President of the United States.
( PUBLIC straightens up and for a second surveys the room with the keen eye of a politician. Relaxes again .)
PUBLIC : Agh!
PRIVATE : But you would!
PUBLIC : You need to be born an American citizen.
PRIVATE : True for you. What about Chairman of General Motors?
( PUBLIC shrugs indifferently .)
Boss of the Teamsters’ Union?
( PUBLIC shrugs his indifference .)
PRIVATE : Hollywood – what about Hollywood?
PUBLIC : Not what it was.
PRIVATE : Dammit but you’re hard to please too. Still, there must be something great in store for you. ( Cracks his fingers at his brainwave .) The US Senate! Senator Gareth O’Donnell, Chairman of the Foreign Aid Committee! ( He interviews PUBLIC who continues packing his clothes busily .)
Is there something you would like to say, Senator, before you publish the findings of your committee?
PUBLIC : Nothing to say.
PRIVATE : Just a few words.
PUBLIC : No comment.
PRIVATE : Isn’t it a fact that suspicion has fallen on Senator Doogan?
PUBLIC : Nothing further to add.
PRIVATE : Did your investigators not discover that Senator Doogan is the grandfather of fourteen unborn illegitimate children? That he sold his daughter to the king of the fairies for a crock of gold? That a Chinese spy known to the FBI as Screwballs –
PUBLIC : Screwballs?
PRIVATE : Screwballs.
PUBLIC : Describe him.
PRIVATE : Tall, blond, athletic-looking –
PUBLI : Military moustache?
PRIVATE : – very handsome; uses a diamond-studded cigarette-holder.
PUBLIC : Usually accompanied by a dark seductive woman in a low-cut evening gown?
PRIVATE : – wears a monocle, fluent command of languages –
PUBLIC : But seldom speaks? A man of few words?
PRIVATE : – drives a cream convertible, villas in Istanbul, Cairo and Budapest –
PUBLIC : ( Declaims ) Merchant Prince, licensed to deal in tobacco –
PRIVATE : An’ sowl! That’s me man! To a T! The point is – what’ll we do with him?
PUBLIC : Sell him to a harem?
PRIVATE : Hide his cascara sagrada?
( MADGE comes into the kitchen to lift the tablecloth .)
PUBLIC : ( Serious ) Shhh!
PRIVATE : The boys? Is it the boys? To say good-bye?
PUBLIC : Shhhh!
PRIVATE : It’s Madge – aul fluke-feet Madge.
( They both stand listening to the sound of MADGE flapping across the kitchen and out to the scullery. )
PUBLIC : ( Calls softly ) Madge.
( PRIVATE drops into the armchair . PUBLIC stands listening until the sound has died away .)
PRIVATE : ( Wearily ) Off again! You know what you’re doing, don’t you, laddybuck? Collecting memories and images and impressions that are going to make you bloody miserable; and in a way that’s what you want, isn’t it?
PUBLIC : Bugger!
( PRIVATE springs to his feet again. With forced animation .)
PRIVATE : Bugger’s right! Bugger’s absolutely correct! Back to the job! Keep occupied. Be methodical.
E
anie-meanie-minie-mow
Catch-the-baby-by-the-toe .
Will all passengers holding immigration visas please come this way.
( PUBLIC produces documents from a drawer. He checks them .)
PRIVATE : Passport?
PUBLIC : Passport.
PRIVATE : Visa?
PUBLIC : Visa.
PRIVATE : Vaccination cert.?
PUBLIC
PRIVATE : To get to the other side. Ha-ha! Why does a hen lay an egg?
PUBLIC : Why?
PRIVATE : Because it can’t lay a brick. Yo-ho. Why does a sailor wear a round hat?
PUBLIC : Why?
PRIVATE : To cover his head. Hee-hee-hee. Nought out of three; very bad for a man of average intelligence. That’s the style. Keep working; keep the mind active and well stretched by knowing the best that is thought and written in the world, and you wouldn’t call Daddy Senator your father-in-law,
( Sings. )
Give the woman in the bed more porter
Give the man beside her water
Give the woman in the bed more porter
More porter for the woman in the bed.
( Confidentially ) D’you know what I think, laddie, I mean, just looking at you there.
PUBLIC : What?
PRIVATE : You’d make a hell of a fine President of the United States.
( PUBLIC straightens up and for a second surveys the room with the keen eye of a politician. Relaxes again .)
PUBLIC : Agh!
PRIVATE : But you would!
PUBLIC : You need to be born an American citizen.
PRIVATE : True for you. What about Chairman of General Motors?
( PUBLIC shrugs indifferently .)
Boss of the Teamsters’ Union?
( PUBLIC shrugs his indifference .)
PRIVATE : Hollywood – what about Hollywood?
PUBLIC : Not what it was.
PRIVATE : Dammit but you’re hard to please too. Still, there must be something great in store for you. ( Cracks his fingers at his brainwave .) The US Senate! Senator Gareth O’Donnell, Chairman of the Foreign Aid Committee! ( He interviews PUBLIC who continues packing his clothes busily .)
Is there something you would like to say, Senator, before you publish the findings of your committee?
PUBLIC : Nothing to say.
PRIVATE : Just a few words.
PUBLIC : No comment.
PRIVATE : Isn’t it a fact that suspicion has fallen on Senator Doogan?
PUBLIC : Nothing further to add.
PRIVATE : Did your investigators not discover that Senator Doogan is the grandfather of fourteen unborn illegitimate children? That he sold his daughter to the king of the fairies for a crock of gold? That a Chinese spy known to the FBI as Screwballs –
PUBLIC : Screwballs?
PRIVATE : Screwballs.
PUBLIC : Describe him.
PRIVATE : Tall, blond, athletic-looking –
PUBLI : Military moustache?
PRIVATE : – very handsome; uses a diamond-studded cigarette-holder.
PUBLIC : Usually accompanied by a dark seductive woman in a low-cut evening gown?
PRIVATE : – wears a monocle, fluent command of languages –
PUBLIC : But seldom speaks? A man of few words?
PRIVATE : – drives a cream convertible, villas in Istanbul, Cairo and Budapest –
PUBLIC : ( Declaims ) Merchant Prince, licensed to deal in tobacco –
PRIVATE : An’ sowl! That’s me man! To a T! The point is – what’ll we do with him?
PUBLIC : Sell him to a harem?
PRIVATE : Hide his cascara sagrada?
( MADGE comes into the kitchen to lift the tablecloth .)
PUBLIC : ( Serious ) Shhh!
PRIVATE : The boys? Is it the boys? To say good-bye?
PUBLIC : Shhhh!
PRIVATE : It’s Madge – aul fluke-feet Madge.
( They both stand listening to the sound of MADGE flapping across the kitchen and out to the scullery. )
PUBLIC : ( Calls softly ) Madge.
( PRIVATE drops into the armchair . PUBLIC stands listening until the sound has died away .)
PRIVATE : ( Wearily ) Off again! You know what you’re doing, don’t you, laddybuck? Collecting memories and images and impressions that are going to make you bloody miserable; and in a way that’s what you want, isn’t it?
PUBLIC : Bugger!
( PRIVATE springs to his feet again. With forced animation .)
PRIVATE : Bugger’s right! Bugger’s absolutely correct! Back to the job! Keep occupied. Be methodical.
E
anie-meanie-minie-mow
Catch-the-baby-by-the-toe .
Will all passengers holding immigration visas please come this way.
( PUBLIC produces documents from a drawer. He checks them .)
PRIVATE : Passport?
PUBLIC : Passport.
PRIVATE : Visa?
PUBLIC : Visa.
PRIVATE : Vaccination cert.?
PUBLIC
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