mile or something, Kathy Ann. You don’t get a medal.”
Her smile faded.
“Don’t you want to hear about it?” She looked like she was going to burst into tears.
“All right,” I said with great effort. “What happened?”
“He was very gentle and considerate and first announced and showed me he had protection.”
“I’m glad of that,” I said.
“Still, I was afraid. He told me he understood, that it was like the first time he had to be a linebacker on a college football team and had to bang heads with a guy just as big as he was if not bigger. He said it was like knowing you were going to run into a wall, but you had to go ahead anyway.”
“Yeah, that sounds just like making love,” I muttered.
“He meant every time you do something new, you are nervous. I thought that was sweet, his sharing his fear with me. He’s so big and strong, it was hard to believe anything could frighten him.”
“It is hard to believe,” I said.
“Anyway, I closed my eyes and held my breath and it was just as wonderful as Charlotte Lily told me it would be. After a little pain, I mean. Axel said he would call me every time he comes into the city.” She leaned toward me to add in a whisper, “He’s really not supposed to be so wild and active. He’s in training.”
“It’s nice of him to put you before football.”
“I thought so,” she said.
I stared at her. Are we all like this at one time or another? I wondered. Do we all wear blinders, deliberately ignore the truth just to hold on to one of our fantasies? Is that what was happening to Mother darling, still happening? What can be the final result? Only a great fall, I thought, great disappointment, and from that, bitterness and cynicism. We would be like the fox in the story one of my teachers told, the fox who couldn’t reach the grapes and then said they were probably sour anyway. Sincere happy smiles would become so rare, we would wonder if it was our faces we saw reflected.
“Where are you going?” Kathy Ann asked.
“I’m going shopping,” I said. “I need some new clothes.”
“Can you wait? I’ll go with you. I love shopping, even when it’s someone else doing it.”
I’m not sure what department store to go to anyway, I thought. She would know.
“Okay, but don’t take too long.”
She hurried back into her apartment and I went to the faded brown bench that was near the empty swimming pool. I heard another door close and saw a woman holding the hand of a little boy and a little girl. They looked close enough in age to be twins. The woman paused to fix the little boy’s collar, and then she kissed him on the cheek and he smiled. As if she could sense her daughter’s envy, she turned, brushed her hair, and kissed her as well. Then the three walked to the parking lot, an aura of happiness and contentment surrounding them.
That’s what love really is, I thought, a thick cocoon that helps you feel safe, secure, and most of all, cherished.
For a moment I actually missed Grandpa and Grandma. Despite his hard, critical eyes, there were moments when the three of us sat and watched television or ate a meal together and I felt like I belonged to a family. Grandma was so gentle and loving that she softened him, and he would go on about some adventure he had when he was about my age. For just a little while, a door had been opened and I could look in and see enough to make me understand what it was that connected me to him, to Grandma, to this idea of family.
But then Mother darling would come home or say something and the door would slam shut again.
I heard a door slam shut and looked up to see Kathy Ann practically bouncing toward me.
“Let’s go,” she said. “I want to buy something for Axel, something to give him the next time he calls.”
“Where should we go?”
“Let’s go to Dillards,” she suggested. “C’mon, we’ll catch the bus. So, why did you leave Charlotte Lily’s house like that?”
“I had to be home
Her smile faded.
“Don’t you want to hear about it?” She looked like she was going to burst into tears.
“All right,” I said with great effort. “What happened?”
“He was very gentle and considerate and first announced and showed me he had protection.”
“I’m glad of that,” I said.
“Still, I was afraid. He told me he understood, that it was like the first time he had to be a linebacker on a college football team and had to bang heads with a guy just as big as he was if not bigger. He said it was like knowing you were going to run into a wall, but you had to go ahead anyway.”
“Yeah, that sounds just like making love,” I muttered.
“He meant every time you do something new, you are nervous. I thought that was sweet, his sharing his fear with me. He’s so big and strong, it was hard to believe anything could frighten him.”
“It is hard to believe,” I said.
“Anyway, I closed my eyes and held my breath and it was just as wonderful as Charlotte Lily told me it would be. After a little pain, I mean. Axel said he would call me every time he comes into the city.” She leaned toward me to add in a whisper, “He’s really not supposed to be so wild and active. He’s in training.”
“It’s nice of him to put you before football.”
“I thought so,” she said.
I stared at her. Are we all like this at one time or another? I wondered. Do we all wear blinders, deliberately ignore the truth just to hold on to one of our fantasies? Is that what was happening to Mother darling, still happening? What can be the final result? Only a great fall, I thought, great disappointment, and from that, bitterness and cynicism. We would be like the fox in the story one of my teachers told, the fox who couldn’t reach the grapes and then said they were probably sour anyway. Sincere happy smiles would become so rare, we would wonder if it was our faces we saw reflected.
“Where are you going?” Kathy Ann asked.
“I’m going shopping,” I said. “I need some new clothes.”
“Can you wait? I’ll go with you. I love shopping, even when it’s someone else doing it.”
I’m not sure what department store to go to anyway, I thought. She would know.
“Okay, but don’t take too long.”
She hurried back into her apartment and I went to the faded brown bench that was near the empty swimming pool. I heard another door close and saw a woman holding the hand of a little boy and a little girl. They looked close enough in age to be twins. The woman paused to fix the little boy’s collar, and then she kissed him on the cheek and he smiled. As if she could sense her daughter’s envy, she turned, brushed her hair, and kissed her as well. Then the three walked to the parking lot, an aura of happiness and contentment surrounding them.
That’s what love really is, I thought, a thick cocoon that helps you feel safe, secure, and most of all, cherished.
For a moment I actually missed Grandpa and Grandma. Despite his hard, critical eyes, there were moments when the three of us sat and watched television or ate a meal together and I felt like I belonged to a family. Grandma was so gentle and loving that she softened him, and he would go on about some adventure he had when he was about my age. For just a little while, a door had been opened and I could look in and see enough to make me understand what it was that connected me to him, to Grandma, to this idea of family.
But then Mother darling would come home or say something and the door would slam shut again.
I heard a door slam shut and looked up to see Kathy Ann practically bouncing toward me.
“Let’s go,” she said. “I want to buy something for Axel, something to give him the next time he calls.”
“Where should we go?”
“Let’s go to Dillards,” she suggested. “C’mon, we’ll catch the bus. So, why did you leave Charlotte Lily’s house like that?”
“I had to be home
Similar Books
