giving you so much
trouble about the room. I had no idea.”
“The room…” He
shrugged. “It doesn’t matter.”
“What happened?”
“We had climbed all
over the country. Here, too. She loved the mountains here better than any place
else.”
Molly waited patiently
for him to continue. She knew this was difficult for him.
“The trail you and I
started today was one of her favorites.”
“I can understand that.
It’s a beautiful place.”
“The weather had been
particularly bad that winter. We shouldn’t have gone.”
He fell silent again.
She didn’t push him.
She already knew the story. But that he would tell her about it indicated some
amount of trust.
“We went anyway. We
reached the summit. She…her harness gave out. Faulty equipment they said.”
“You tried to save
her?” That would be an easy guess for anyone.
He nodded. “But I
failed.”
“Do you feel
responsible for what happened?”
He closed his eyes,
took a breath. “Logically—” he opened his eyes once more “—I understand that it
wasn’t my fault, but I can’t say that I don’t feel responsible.”
“That’s normal, I
think.”
He searched her eyes as
if trying to understand the reasoning behind her pursuit of the subject.
“My mom had a heart
attack,” she went on. “I feel guilty to this day that I stopped at a
convenience store on the way home and didn’t get there in time to help her
before it was too late.”
“Sorry about your mom.”
He turned his attention back to the view out the window.
“The point is,” she
added, “I don’t let that guilt stop me from going on with my life. My mom
wouldn’t want that.”
“You should know,” he
said quietly, “I have these…panic attacks. Whenever I’m in a stressful
situation, they hit. I keep checking off activities from the list of things I
can do. Pretty soon there’s going to be nothing left.”
“Did that happen
today?”
His gaze collided with
hers. “Yeah. I froze. Couldn’t do what I knew exactly
how to do. What I’m fully capable of doing. I just couldn’t do it.”
“But you haven’t had to
check off racing? You can still do that.”
He laughed; the sound
was strained. “That’s the strangest part. That’s the only place I really feel
normal. When I’m behind that wheel flying around the track, I feel like me. The old me.”
“I can’t say that I’ve
ever had a panic attack, but it seems to me that it’s a mind-over-matter thing. Kind of like getting back on the horse that threw you.”
“Sounds easy, doesn’t
it?”
He was right. “I’m
certain it’s not easy. I didn’t mean to insinuate that it was. But you have to
keep trying. If you stop—” her gaze collided with his “—then you’ll never get
started again.”
“You really think it’s
that simple?”
“No.” She shook her
head. “But it’s like that whole trust thing they do, when you fall back and let
someone else catch you. It’s really hard at first, but once you’ve done it a
couple of times, it’s easy. Maybe if you climb that mountain, the way you
started to today, maybe you’ll break through some kind of barrier and the panic
won’t have control anymore.”
“I tried to do
trouble about the room. I had no idea.”
“The room…” He
shrugged. “It doesn’t matter.”
“What happened?”
“We had climbed all
over the country. Here, too. She loved the mountains here better than any place
else.”
Molly waited patiently
for him to continue. She knew this was difficult for him.
“The trail you and I
started today was one of her favorites.”
“I can understand that.
It’s a beautiful place.”
“The weather had been
particularly bad that winter. We shouldn’t have gone.”
He fell silent again.
She didn’t push him.
She already knew the story. But that he would tell her about it indicated some
amount of trust.
“We went anyway. We
reached the summit. She…her harness gave out. Faulty equipment they said.”
“You tried to save
her?” That would be an easy guess for anyone.
He nodded. “But I
failed.”
“Do you feel
responsible for what happened?”
He closed his eyes,
took a breath. “Logically—” he opened his eyes once more “—I understand that it
wasn’t my fault, but I can’t say that I don’t feel responsible.”
“That’s normal, I
think.”
He searched her eyes as
if trying to understand the reasoning behind her pursuit of the subject.
“My mom had a heart
attack,” she went on. “I feel guilty to this day that I stopped at a
convenience store on the way home and didn’t get there in time to help her
before it was too late.”
“Sorry about your mom.”
He turned his attention back to the view out the window.
“The point is,” she
added, “I don’t let that guilt stop me from going on with my life. My mom
wouldn’t want that.”
“You should know,” he
said quietly, “I have these…panic attacks. Whenever I’m in a stressful
situation, they hit. I keep checking off activities from the list of things I
can do. Pretty soon there’s going to be nothing left.”
“Did that happen
today?”
His gaze collided with
hers. “Yeah. I froze. Couldn’t do what I knew exactly
how to do. What I’m fully capable of doing. I just couldn’t do it.”
“But you haven’t had to
check off racing? You can still do that.”
He laughed; the sound
was strained. “That’s the strangest part. That’s the only place I really feel
normal. When I’m behind that wheel flying around the track, I feel like me. The old me.”
“I can’t say that I’ve
ever had a panic attack, but it seems to me that it’s a mind-over-matter thing. Kind of like getting back on the horse that threw you.”
“Sounds easy, doesn’t
it?”
He was right. “I’m
certain it’s not easy. I didn’t mean to insinuate that it was. But you have to
keep trying. If you stop—” her gaze collided with his “—then you’ll never get
started again.”
“You really think it’s
that simple?”
“No.” She shook her
head. “But it’s like that whole trust thing they do, when you fall back and let
someone else catch you. It’s really hard at first, but once you’ve done it a
couple of times, it’s easy. Maybe if you climb that mountain, the way you
started to today, maybe you’ll break through some kind of barrier and the panic
won’t have control anymore.”
“I tried to do
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