Captains Outrageous

Captains Outrageous by Joe R. Lansdale Page B

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Authors: Joe R. Lansdale
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bring myself to let go and make for the bathroom.
    Frank truth of it was, I was scared blind, shitless, and paralyzed. No argument. When it comes to the baddest sonofabitch on the block, nature wins hands down every time. Well, nature and that eighteen-year-old guy I had fought.
    It wasn’t until early morning that the ship ceased to pitch. I had felt horrible all night, slept fitfully, even whimpered a bit. Leonard had whimpered too, so I felt better about it. My manhood was still intact, because he wouldn’t tell if I didn’t.
    Leonard slept while I washed up, brushed my teeth, and started for the deck. On the way up, I discovered a middle-aged woman and two children sleeping on the landing near the hatch door that led outside. The woman sat up from the pallet she had made and looked at me as I reached the door.
    “We nearly sank last night,” she said. “I thought it would be better if we were close to the lifeboats.”
    “It was scary,” I said, “but not that bad.” I was braver, now that it was all over.
    “Oh, yes it was,” she said.
    One of the children, a little girl, lifted up on an elbow. A teddy bear tumbled out of her covers. She looked about nine. She said, “Mama said fuck.”
    “Dear,” the woman said. “Ssshhhhh.”
    “I said it several times last night myself,” I said. “Some other things too.”
    The woman gave me a nervous grin. The little girl smiled. The other kid, girl or boy, I couldn’t tell way the kid was wrapped up in the covers, didn’t wake up. I went out on deck.
    It was clear now. The water was bright blue and so was the sky and the sun was a great fat wafer of burning gold. The shadow of the ship lay on the clear water like an organized coat of oil. It fled with us as we pushed onward, probably running about twenty-two knots.
    There were others on the deck, leaning against the rail like me, and there were some in lawn chairs against the wall of the deck, and there was a young couple with chairs close together, kissing, looking as if at any moment they might strip and go for broke. No one looked as if anything had been out of the ordinary last night. And truthfully, it probably had not. For a landlubber like me, a big wave seen at a distance is frightening enough, let alone knocking and swinging about a ship I’m in. For all I knew, the crew might well have found it relaxing, like a rocking chair.
    While I was standing there, looking out at the water, Big Bill came up and lit a cigar. “That was some night,” he said.
    I turned and smiled at him. He was dressed in blue jeans, a cowboy shirt with the sleeves rolled, and house shoes. His gray hair coiled and rumpled in the wind like some invisible hand wadding up stringy cotton.
    “I’ll say it was some night. I lost my lobster.”
    “Not much of a loss. Sort of ruined the honeymoon atmosphere in our cabin, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. We were just down to business when all that started. Pretty soon were just two naked bodies rolling around on the floor clutching at each other saying shit.”
    “Worse ways to go,” I said.
    “I suppose that’s true. I got upset, got dressed, came out for a look, like it would do me good to know. Waves were washing all along the deck here. Scary. I went back in and up front and outside. Waves were jumping over the deck, way up there. It was one spooky experience, I guarantee. Cigar?”
    “No thanks.”
    Leonard came on deck then. He greeted Bill, who offered him a cigar.
    “Is it Cuban?” Leonard asked.
    “Nope. Not this one.”
    Leonard took it and lit it. He said, “You know there’s a woman behind the door there, on the stair landing with two kids?”
    “Saw her when I came out,” I said.
    “Me too,” said Bill. “She was there last night when I came out for a look. I was surprised they hadn’t locked the doors. Safety seems a little scant to me.”
    “Her little girl informed me Mama had said fuck,” I said.
    “Yeah,” Leonard said, “she told me the

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