Changing Tunes by Heather Gunter, Raelene Green Page A

how I know I’m not that person anymore. That’s how I know I’m different.
    I haven’t been the same since the night, several months ago; although, it feels like a lifetime ago. I shudder when I think about that night, but I’m thankful it was a better outcome for me. It could have been bad, oh so bad. Thinking about my past, and all the shame I feel, makes me break. I finally let more than just a few tears flow down my face. I realize sometimes, it’s okay to let it all go.
    I decide this weekend warrants another outing and a release. I need to be in control, if only for a little while.
     
     

 
     

     
     
    I got back to my dorm room, grateful my roommate, who I know absolutely nothing about, is not there. Lucky for me, he spends all day, and most evenings, gone. I think he actually has a girlfriend he stays with most nights. It doesn’t bother me, quite the contrary, in fact. It’ll give me a chance to study without any interruptions.
    I still feel like an ass, and on impulse, text Ashley. I can’t leave it alone. Oh, hell no.
    I realize after I text her, that in a twisted way, I wanted to apologize again. More importantly, I wanted her to know she was on my mind. I can’t stop thinking about her. The sadness in her eyes haunts me.
    At the same time, I know she’s way out of my league, and I again question what the fuck I’m doing. I continue to remind myself it needs to stay only lab partners; school related stuff. I can’t afford to mess this up. I have too many people counting on me, and I don’t want to let anybody down. There’s definitely too much riding on me succeeding.
    I think about home and the ones that matter. No one here matters. She’s just a girl with a pretty face and a good body. After all, my life’s been far from perfect to this point.
    I yank my wallet out of my back pocket, lie down on my bed, and pull out a crinkled photograph. I rub my thumbs around the edges and caress it. The love I feel is undeniable, and I resolve to get my priorities in check. I miss her so much, and my heart physically aches being away from her. I question myself, for the millionth time, whether I’ve made the right decision.
    Next class, it’s work and school alone. Nothing else matters except who’s at home; who I left behind.
     

 
     

     
     
    Friday night couldn’t get here fast enough. I’m about to come out of my skin, and I’m chomping at the bit to get out. I begin to get changed for a night out when I receive an impromptu text from my father.
Warden: Are you studying and staying out of trouble?
    Weenie
(Yes, that’s me):
Yes, sir.
Warden: I expect the best out of you, and expect you to not embarrass me. There are people watching you that will report back to me. Don’t disappoint me, Ashley.
Weenie: I wouldn’t dream of that, sir.
    In my head, it’s sarcastic, but fortunately, in a text, he won’t know the tone accompanying my response.
Warden: See that you don’t.
    That was it, end of story. Nothing warm and fuzzy, but they have never been expected, anyway. Isn’t that a nice way to start my Friday night? I decide to not let this ‘conversation’ with my father bother me, or screw with my night. I’ve studied and have done everything a good little girl is supposed to. I need to let loose and be free. I know exactly what I need, and walk over to the closet and begin rummaging through it when I hear a knock on the door before it opens with Mac saying, “It’s me.”
    I giggle. Yeah, I, Ashley Davis, freaking giggled.
    “I know, goofy, who else would it be?”
    “Oh I don’t know. Maybe a tall, dark handsome guy who wears Chuck Taylor tennis shoes?”
    “Ha, ha, Mac.”
    I skim through my selections and decide on a sheer blouse over a spaghetti-strap tank with my skinny jeans and some flats this time. At least I won’t appear Amazonian, compared to the majority of the guys around here. If I’m lucky, I won’t be wearing them long, anyway. Apparently, my lack of heels