this,” Hats Rizzo said, tossing the clown back his machete. “It’ll help with those deep-down itches.”
Hats giggled like a madman as the French clown hacked into his own body with the machete, slicing off layers of skin and scooping his insides out.
Chapter 22
When they got to the docks, they saw a group of French clowns loading crates onto a ship.
“How many of them are there?” the capo asked Spotty.
“A couple dozen,” Spotty said, with his ear against his pet cockroaches.
“Any sign of my wife?” Earl asked.
“The ship is too big for my scouts,” Spotty said, allowing the roaches to crawl back into his coat. “We’ll have to search it ourselves.”
A clown in a brown trench coat was ordering around the men loading the ship. He had black-and-white swirly patterns on his skin and long yellow hair.
“There he is,” Vinnie said. “Coco de Merde.”
“That guy’s a clown?” Spotty asked. “He looks more like a goddamn juggalo.”
“Well, there’s no way we’re going to be able to fight our way through,” said Vinnie Blue Nose. “We need to find a way to sneak on board.”
“Should we take a small boat and come at it from the other side?” Spotty asked.
“Where are we going to find a boat?” Jackie asked.
Rizzo stepped forward. “Allow me.”
He took off his orange polka-dot hat to reveal a smaller hat beneath. This one was red and white, striped like a candy cane. Resting on top of the hat was a chocolate cream pie. He set it on the ground and grabbed a string dangling from the tin. When he pulled the string, the pie exploded. In an instant, it inflated to the size of a boat big enough for four.
“It’s my life raft pie,” Hats said. “You know, just in case I ever get lost at sea.”
The clowns looked at Hats. Then they looked at the inflated boat. Then they looked at Hats again. The mook wouldn’t take the dumb smile off his face.
“Good job, knucklehead,” said Spotty. “Now how are we going to get it to the water without being noticed?”
The dumb smile faded from Hats’s face. “How am I supposed to know? I don’t even know if it floats.”
They looked at the boat and saw that it was slowly deflating.
“Follow me,” Vinnie said. “I’ll get us a boat.”
Chapter 23
Vinnie Blue Nose was probably the only person Earl ever met who actually looked cool in a duck-shaped pedal boat. There were two pedal boats, each with room for four people. Vinnie and Earl took one, Hats and Jackie the other; Earl’s family would fill the empty seats. They left Captain Spotty back at the car to act as getaway driver.
“Shouldn’t there be a ladder somewhere?” Jackie asked when they got to the ship.
Vinnie scanned the hull. “We’re going to have to find another way up.”
Hats shook his head. “I swear. You guys would be lost without me.” He pulled off his red-striped hat to reveal a leopard-print hat with a peacock feather dangling off the side.
“Is that a pimp hat?” Jackie asked.
“Of course it’s a pimp hat,” said Hats. “I’ve got every kind of hat there ever was.”
Inside the hat was another pie. This one was attached to a rope and a pneumatically powered gun. Hats aimed the gun at the top of the boat. When he pulled the trigger, the pie shot into the air and splatted against a wall on deck. Hats tugged on the rope. The pie was tightly adhered to its spot.
“It’s a glue pie,” Hats said.
Vinnie grabbed hold of the rope and pulled on it. When he thought it was safe, he started to climb.
Looking back at Hats, he said, “Tie up the boats before coming up. We’ll need them if we want to get out of here in one piece.” Then he continued climbing.
Earl went up next. Then Hats. They didn’t have any difficulty until it was Jackie the Grump’s turn. The clown was so fat and had so many weapons strapped to him that he couldn’t pull himself up.
Hats looked down at him from the deck of the ship and said, “Come on, Fat Boy, we ain’t
Hats giggled like a madman as the French clown hacked into his own body with the machete, slicing off layers of skin and scooping his insides out.
Chapter 22
When they got to the docks, they saw a group of French clowns loading crates onto a ship.
“How many of them are there?” the capo asked Spotty.
“A couple dozen,” Spotty said, with his ear against his pet cockroaches.
“Any sign of my wife?” Earl asked.
“The ship is too big for my scouts,” Spotty said, allowing the roaches to crawl back into his coat. “We’ll have to search it ourselves.”
A clown in a brown trench coat was ordering around the men loading the ship. He had black-and-white swirly patterns on his skin and long yellow hair.
“There he is,” Vinnie said. “Coco de Merde.”
“That guy’s a clown?” Spotty asked. “He looks more like a goddamn juggalo.”
“Well, there’s no way we’re going to be able to fight our way through,” said Vinnie Blue Nose. “We need to find a way to sneak on board.”
“Should we take a small boat and come at it from the other side?” Spotty asked.
“Where are we going to find a boat?” Jackie asked.
Rizzo stepped forward. “Allow me.”
He took off his orange polka-dot hat to reveal a smaller hat beneath. This one was red and white, striped like a candy cane. Resting on top of the hat was a chocolate cream pie. He set it on the ground and grabbed a string dangling from the tin. When he pulled the string, the pie exploded. In an instant, it inflated to the size of a boat big enough for four.
“It’s my life raft pie,” Hats said. “You know, just in case I ever get lost at sea.”
The clowns looked at Hats. Then they looked at the inflated boat. Then they looked at Hats again. The mook wouldn’t take the dumb smile off his face.
“Good job, knucklehead,” said Spotty. “Now how are we going to get it to the water without being noticed?”
The dumb smile faded from Hats’s face. “How am I supposed to know? I don’t even know if it floats.”
They looked at the boat and saw that it was slowly deflating.
“Follow me,” Vinnie said. “I’ll get us a boat.”
Chapter 23
Vinnie Blue Nose was probably the only person Earl ever met who actually looked cool in a duck-shaped pedal boat. There were two pedal boats, each with room for four people. Vinnie and Earl took one, Hats and Jackie the other; Earl’s family would fill the empty seats. They left Captain Spotty back at the car to act as getaway driver.
“Shouldn’t there be a ladder somewhere?” Jackie asked when they got to the ship.
Vinnie scanned the hull. “We’re going to have to find another way up.”
Hats shook his head. “I swear. You guys would be lost without me.” He pulled off his red-striped hat to reveal a leopard-print hat with a peacock feather dangling off the side.
“Is that a pimp hat?” Jackie asked.
“Of course it’s a pimp hat,” said Hats. “I’ve got every kind of hat there ever was.”
Inside the hat was another pie. This one was attached to a rope and a pneumatically powered gun. Hats aimed the gun at the top of the boat. When he pulled the trigger, the pie shot into the air and splatted against a wall on deck. Hats tugged on the rope. The pie was tightly adhered to its spot.
“It’s a glue pie,” Hats said.
Vinnie grabbed hold of the rope and pulled on it. When he thought it was safe, he started to climb.
Looking back at Hats, he said, “Tie up the boats before coming up. We’ll need them if we want to get out of here in one piece.” Then he continued climbing.
Earl went up next. Then Hats. They didn’t have any difficulty until it was Jackie the Grump’s turn. The clown was so fat and had so many weapons strapped to him that he couldn’t pull himself up.
Hats looked down at him from the deck of the ship and said, “Come on, Fat Boy, we ain’t
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