voice was too gentle, too lovely. Which of course made things from the tears point of view so much worse.
"Amy?" Even gentler now, his voice, and those blue eyes – full of tenderness and concern. We'd known each other since we were twelve – and he'd never seen me cry.
"Amy, I'm sorry if I–. Listen, in all seriousness, I have never known you not to try to fix someone or something. It's like your happiness is all tied up in the happiness and wellbeing of everyone else. "
He'd reached across the table and taken my hands in his. And how could he possibly have known that his hands holding mine – just that – would be the thing that undid us? Undid twenty years of friendship? Because I knew, I just knew, that I couldn't go on like this. I couldn't go on loving him from afar. I couldn't keep watching him date until the inevitable point where he fell in love and found The One.
"The thing is Freddy…" I couldn't believe the words that were about to come out of my mouth. On the other hand, I could do nothing to stop them. "The thing is… my happiness isn't exactly tied up in everyone else's. It's tied up in yours. It's tied up… in you."
That wa s it. The words were out, said, never to be unsaid. And the blend of astonishment and confusion on Freddy's face left me with just one option. I did the only sane and rat ional thi ng that could be done . I ran out of the café into the rain-soaked street.
Freddy followed. He c aught my arm. Swung me round.
"What did you say just then ?"
"You heard. And so this is where we end, OK? This is where we hav e to end, because I can't– "
He had his hands on my arms, had me standing squarely in front of him. And he held me that way, wordlessly, searching my face, searching my eyes. We stood there in the rain, both of us drowning, Freddy's hair plastered to his head, beads of rain coursing along his cheekbones. And then he spoke. His voice was hoarse; deep.
"No."
"No? No what ?"
"No way am I letting you do this. No way am I letting you call an end to something that hasn't even started yet. No way am I letting you walk away from me right now without making you hear what I've got to say. What I've been trying to say to you for twenty years…"
I opened my mouth to protest, but he beat me to it.
" Amy, I love you."
My head began to swim as a waterfall of fresh tears fell from my eyes. Freddy, too, looked close to tears. He took my face in his hands and kissed me. Then he pulled me close to him, really close. He folded me into him, and placed his lips against my ears.
"And girl," he murmured , "if that codependency of yours is worth a damn, then dammit you'll love me right back."
I turned to my friend, my guy, my big love of twenty years' standing – and I knew I was about to die of happiness.
My voice was barely there; just a whisper – but it was enough.
"It is, Freddy. And I do."
"Amy?" Even gentler now, his voice, and those blue eyes – full of tenderness and concern. We'd known each other since we were twelve – and he'd never seen me cry.
"Amy, I'm sorry if I–. Listen, in all seriousness, I have never known you not to try to fix someone or something. It's like your happiness is all tied up in the happiness and wellbeing of everyone else. "
He'd reached across the table and taken my hands in his. And how could he possibly have known that his hands holding mine – just that – would be the thing that undid us? Undid twenty years of friendship? Because I knew, I just knew, that I couldn't go on like this. I couldn't go on loving him from afar. I couldn't keep watching him date until the inevitable point where he fell in love and found The One.
"The thing is Freddy…" I couldn't believe the words that were about to come out of my mouth. On the other hand, I could do nothing to stop them. "The thing is… my happiness isn't exactly tied up in everyone else's. It's tied up in yours. It's tied up… in you."
That wa s it. The words were out, said, never to be unsaid. And the blend of astonishment and confusion on Freddy's face left me with just one option. I did the only sane and rat ional thi ng that could be done . I ran out of the café into the rain-soaked street.
Freddy followed. He c aught my arm. Swung me round.
"What did you say just then ?"
"You heard. And so this is where we end, OK? This is where we hav e to end, because I can't– "
He had his hands on my arms, had me standing squarely in front of him. And he held me that way, wordlessly, searching my face, searching my eyes. We stood there in the rain, both of us drowning, Freddy's hair plastered to his head, beads of rain coursing along his cheekbones. And then he spoke. His voice was hoarse; deep.
"No."
"No? No what ?"
"No way am I letting you do this. No way am I letting you call an end to something that hasn't even started yet. No way am I letting you walk away from me right now without making you hear what I've got to say. What I've been trying to say to you for twenty years…"
I opened my mouth to protest, but he beat me to it.
" Amy, I love you."
My head began to swim as a waterfall of fresh tears fell from my eyes. Freddy, too, looked close to tears. He took my face in his hands and kissed me. Then he pulled me close to him, really close. He folded me into him, and placed his lips against my ears.
"And girl," he murmured , "if that codependency of yours is worth a damn, then dammit you'll love me right back."
I turned to my friend, my guy, my big love of twenty years' standing – and I knew I was about to die of happiness.
My voice was barely there; just a whisper – but it was enough.
"It is, Freddy. And I do."
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