backing down. If Jacob thought he could pull that big brother shit on me, he was dead wrong and had another thing coming. It may work with Alex but not with me. He didn’t need to be telling me what to do when he had no idea what the hell occurred in the first place. This wouldn’t be the first time that Jacob pulled this bullshit on me. I would get used to it throughout the years, the older we got, the worse it became. Dylan and Austin wouldn’t be that far behind either, all jumping in on something that was none of their fucking business to begin with.
She didn’t need protection.
Especially not from me.
“What’s going on?” Alex questioned, drawing us away from our intense exchange and making us both turn to face her.
I went home that night after seeing Lucas with Stacey and looked at myself in the mirror, and for the first time in my life I didn’t like what I saw.
I didn’t look like any of those girls that hung around the boys, not even close. I wasn’t girly like them. I didn’t move like them, I didn’t even talk like them. I was on the other end of the spectrum, the one that put me in the “Little Sister” box. After I picked apart everything I wasn’t in comparison to what they were, what they offered, I lay down in my bed and tried not to think about Lucas and that girl.
The way he touched her.
The way they moved in sync with one another.
The way he kissed her.
The sounds she made echoed in my head. It vibrated so damn loud that all I wanted to do was scream to drown out the noises. I couldn’t get it to stop and it didn’t want to. It illustrated what Lucas made her feel, the way he touched her with such determination and abandonment made me sick to my stomach. It appeared as if they were made for one another, both of them touching parts of their bodies that made me blush just thinking about it.
Why did I have to be such a little girl?
Why did I have to be so young?
I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt the tears falling down the sides of my face. He hadn’t done one of those things with me.
Not one.
I thought our kiss meant something. I didn’t understand how to play those games, how to say one thing and act another. Maybe that’s what boys did? Acted one way with you in private and then another one out in public.
That’s not Lucas, is it?
The confusion and unanswered questions pegged me, engulfing me like the waves of the ocean, taking me under and not allowing me to breathe until the traitorous waves were ready to let me go. The exact same ones Lucas rode with such purpose and resolve. The irony was not lost on me. I lay in bed with nothing but my thoughts, they were coming one right after the other, it was a non-ending assault of torturous questions and what ifs and I couldn’t get a break in between. One would form before the other even fully surfaced.
I drowned in them.
If things couldn’t get any worse my lower abdomen cramped, a new, unfamiliar pain enveloped my core. I went to the bathroom and right there before my eyes was the evidence of my very first period.
“Oh no…” I breathed out. “Mama! Mama!” I screamed.
She ran into my bathroom and behind her was Lucas’s mama.
“Oh my God, honey, what’s the matter?”
And then I broke down. I was emotionally spent, and there were no hiding the fervent feelings that were boiling all around me waiting to erupt like a volcano. I started bawling. The tears were uncontrollable and it was all too much to bear. I cried for everything that happened, and for everything I didn’t understand. I cried for the feeling of deceit, and the loss of an emotion, that I desperately wanted to hold onto. The memory that hung around my neck stung, it burned badly, leaving behind a trail of sadness, despair, and betrayal.
It was the first time Lucas had ever hurt me, and I hated that more than anything else. All the other stuff I could endure, but knowing that he caused me pain.
The boy I grew up with.
The
She didn’t need protection.
Especially not from me.
“What’s going on?” Alex questioned, drawing us away from our intense exchange and making us both turn to face her.
I went home that night after seeing Lucas with Stacey and looked at myself in the mirror, and for the first time in my life I didn’t like what I saw.
I didn’t look like any of those girls that hung around the boys, not even close. I wasn’t girly like them. I didn’t move like them, I didn’t even talk like them. I was on the other end of the spectrum, the one that put me in the “Little Sister” box. After I picked apart everything I wasn’t in comparison to what they were, what they offered, I lay down in my bed and tried not to think about Lucas and that girl.
The way he touched her.
The way they moved in sync with one another.
The way he kissed her.
The sounds she made echoed in my head. It vibrated so damn loud that all I wanted to do was scream to drown out the noises. I couldn’t get it to stop and it didn’t want to. It illustrated what Lucas made her feel, the way he touched her with such determination and abandonment made me sick to my stomach. It appeared as if they were made for one another, both of them touching parts of their bodies that made me blush just thinking about it.
Why did I have to be such a little girl?
Why did I have to be so young?
I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt the tears falling down the sides of my face. He hadn’t done one of those things with me.
Not one.
I thought our kiss meant something. I didn’t understand how to play those games, how to say one thing and act another. Maybe that’s what boys did? Acted one way with you in private and then another one out in public.
That’s not Lucas, is it?
The confusion and unanswered questions pegged me, engulfing me like the waves of the ocean, taking me under and not allowing me to breathe until the traitorous waves were ready to let me go. The exact same ones Lucas rode with such purpose and resolve. The irony was not lost on me. I lay in bed with nothing but my thoughts, they were coming one right after the other, it was a non-ending assault of torturous questions and what ifs and I couldn’t get a break in between. One would form before the other even fully surfaced.
I drowned in them.
If things couldn’t get any worse my lower abdomen cramped, a new, unfamiliar pain enveloped my core. I went to the bathroom and right there before my eyes was the evidence of my very first period.
“Oh no…” I breathed out. “Mama! Mama!” I screamed.
She ran into my bathroom and behind her was Lucas’s mama.
“Oh my God, honey, what’s the matter?”
And then I broke down. I was emotionally spent, and there were no hiding the fervent feelings that were boiling all around me waiting to erupt like a volcano. I started bawling. The tears were uncontrollable and it was all too much to bear. I cried for everything that happened, and for everything I didn’t understand. I cried for the feeling of deceit, and the loss of an emotion, that I desperately wanted to hold onto. The memory that hung around my neck stung, it burned badly, leaving behind a trail of sadness, despair, and betrayal.
It was the first time Lucas had ever hurt me, and I hated that more than anything else. All the other stuff I could endure, but knowing that he caused me pain.
The boy I grew up with.
The
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