heels. I wondered what Iris thought about when she was “constantly” thinking about our latest kiss. Was there ever a point during this when she thought that perhaps we should see what would
happen between us? Or did she spend all of this time thinking about how she was going to tell me that nothing was possible? As much as I wanted to shrug aside her dismissal the way I had with other women over the years, I knew that this was unrealistic. It would be pointless for me to write off what had happened the night before. Even before we’d kissed, I’d known that I was being drawn to her all over again.
And yet it would be equally pointless for me to go after it. There was nothing about the way Iris had approached me this afternoon that suggested equivocation. She hadn’t said what she’d said because she wanted me to protest or because she was unsure of her feelings. Iris had made one thing abundantly clear: no matter what we were like when we were together, we could never take that to another level because of what I represented.
That was a wall I felt utterly incapable of scaling. And as I bit into the second chocolate, I realized that I was at least somewhat relieved. There was no way that a romantic relationship wasn’t going to be fraught with the kind of emotional gymnastics I’d been doing for the past fifteen hours. She was and would forever be Chase’s last girlfriend.
I finished the chocolate and took the rest of the espresso back with me into the store.
CHAPTER FIVE
Strenuous Activity
Chase had been dating Iris for a little less than a month when he told me that he was going to be “renewing her contract.” We were sitting on the grass on the banks of the Pine River drinking beers and wasting as much time as possible before we got back to town. We’d actually done surprisingly little of this that summer. Chase had Iris and a new group of friends from this year’s lacrosse team. I had made a couple of trips back to Boston to visit my friends there and to try to work a spark into something warmer with a woman from the CD shop near the school. I also got the impression that the novelty of doing this with me had lessened from the previous summer now that Chase looked old enough to buy his own beer.
“Should I alert the media?” I said in response to his news.
Chase laughed and pulled on his beer and then smiled at me in a uniquely goofy way.
“She’s getting to you a little, huh?” I said.
I was surprised at the way Chase spoke about Iris. At first, I had misinterpreted the sober tone he used as suggesting that he wasn’t that excited about being
with her. But then I realized that it was something else entirely. That sound in his voice was respect. Chase didn’t talk about Iris with the wildly colorful language he had used for some of his other girlfriends because to do so would have been disrespectful of her. When the message finally got through to me, I felt a little taken aback by it. If Chase was going to take this woman this seriously – so seriously that he would circumvent certain hardwired attitudes about dating – then this had to have an impact on other parts of his life. I wasn’t sure I was prepared for that and I wasn’t sure I wanted it.
But by this day, as we sat by the banks of the Pine, I had spent some more time with Iris myself and I saw that she wasn’t bending Chase or forcing him into a different mold. She was like the proper seasoning on a well-prepared meal – she was bringing out his optimum flavor. And so I approved of the news that he was planning to continue seeing her. Chase, of course, first needed to use a string of profanity to explain how he felt about my “approval” before clapping me on the shoulder and telling me he was glad that I liked her. I responded by pushing his hand off my shoulder in playful defiance, to which he responded by knocking me over. Before long, we were rolling down toward the river, laughing and cursing at each other the entire
happen between us? Or did she spend all of this time thinking about how she was going to tell me that nothing was possible? As much as I wanted to shrug aside her dismissal the way I had with other women over the years, I knew that this was unrealistic. It would be pointless for me to write off what had happened the night before. Even before we’d kissed, I’d known that I was being drawn to her all over again.
And yet it would be equally pointless for me to go after it. There was nothing about the way Iris had approached me this afternoon that suggested equivocation. She hadn’t said what she’d said because she wanted me to protest or because she was unsure of her feelings. Iris had made one thing abundantly clear: no matter what we were like when we were together, we could never take that to another level because of what I represented.
That was a wall I felt utterly incapable of scaling. And as I bit into the second chocolate, I realized that I was at least somewhat relieved. There was no way that a romantic relationship wasn’t going to be fraught with the kind of emotional gymnastics I’d been doing for the past fifteen hours. She was and would forever be Chase’s last girlfriend.
I finished the chocolate and took the rest of the espresso back with me into the store.
CHAPTER FIVE
Strenuous Activity
Chase had been dating Iris for a little less than a month when he told me that he was going to be “renewing her contract.” We were sitting on the grass on the banks of the Pine River drinking beers and wasting as much time as possible before we got back to town. We’d actually done surprisingly little of this that summer. Chase had Iris and a new group of friends from this year’s lacrosse team. I had made a couple of trips back to Boston to visit my friends there and to try to work a spark into something warmer with a woman from the CD shop near the school. I also got the impression that the novelty of doing this with me had lessened from the previous summer now that Chase looked old enough to buy his own beer.
“Should I alert the media?” I said in response to his news.
Chase laughed and pulled on his beer and then smiled at me in a uniquely goofy way.
“She’s getting to you a little, huh?” I said.
I was surprised at the way Chase spoke about Iris. At first, I had misinterpreted the sober tone he used as suggesting that he wasn’t that excited about being
with her. But then I realized that it was something else entirely. That sound in his voice was respect. Chase didn’t talk about Iris with the wildly colorful language he had used for some of his other girlfriends because to do so would have been disrespectful of her. When the message finally got through to me, I felt a little taken aback by it. If Chase was going to take this woman this seriously – so seriously that he would circumvent certain hardwired attitudes about dating – then this had to have an impact on other parts of his life. I wasn’t sure I was prepared for that and I wasn’t sure I wanted it.
But by this day, as we sat by the banks of the Pine, I had spent some more time with Iris myself and I saw that she wasn’t bending Chase or forcing him into a different mold. She was like the proper seasoning on a well-prepared meal – she was bringing out his optimum flavor. And so I approved of the news that he was planning to continue seeing her. Chase, of course, first needed to use a string of profanity to explain how he felt about my “approval” before clapping me on the shoulder and telling me he was glad that I liked her. I responded by pushing his hand off my shoulder in playful defiance, to which he responded by knocking me over. Before long, we were rolling down toward the river, laughing and cursing at each other the entire
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