seventy, you move to Florida. That’s the law up there, you know. Even if the person doesn’t want to, their kin makes them move to Florida. This is one thing Yankees do right.”
Victoria looked at her. “I’m only sorry I don’t know of a group of Northern women who meet to talk about crazy things Southerners say about Northerners so I could tell them that one. Are Northerners really all that different from Southerners? I will admit it is a little funny when they say things like grocery cart instead of buggy. Speaking of which, it’s almost always the Northerners that leave them in the middle of the parking lot at the grocery store. And our expressions are more, well, expressive. For instance, they say ‘nothing to write home about’ and we say ‘nothing to run home and tell Mom about.’ Other than that I’m sure we’re really alike.”
“ Wait, let’s go back to the part about sending your parents to Florida even if they don’t want to go. You cannot send your parents to someplace where they don’t even know what ‘I swan’ or ‘I swaney ’ means!” I looked at Paul, “Isn’t that right?”
“I have no idea what ‘I swan’ means.”
“No, the part about Northerners sending their parents to Florida, whether they want to go or not.”
“I don’t think so. I mean, I don’t know, I just … I should check on something in the kitchen.” We all shrugged our shoulders.
Tara stopped eating long enough to say, “I absolutely love your mother. Her funny expressions are etiquette advice. My mother would say things like, ‘I’ll slap you to sleep, then I’ll slap you for sleeping.’”
A few minutes later Paul returned with slices of Coca-Cola cake and homemade vanilla ice cream.
“There’s cake!” Victoria cried out.
“Now why did you do that?” I asked. “Why does cake surprise people? No one ever says, ‘There’s peas ! But cake always seems to surprise people.” Paul cocked his head again.
“ Mmmm .” Victoria had taken her first bite, and her head was swimming back and forth. “Y’all have got to taste this. It will make you take back things you never stole.”
“It’s just like going to church.” Paul gave Tara a peck on the cheek when she said this and went to get more sweet tea.
I took a bite and froze mid-chew. “You mean it’s just like going to Cracker Barrel!” I hissed with my mouth full. “He bought this cake there, didn’t he?”
“So what if he did, Leigh? You look like that bite just gave you lockjaw,” Victoria whispered .
“So what? We can’t have him going to Cracker Barrel.” Until then it was such a pleasant lunch, at least for the three of us. “Tara, handle it.”
“Handle it? What do you want me to do, kill him?”
“Actually I think up North they whack them,” Victoria corrected her.
I realized how we sounded and started to giggle, “No, just scare him.” I got the note pad and golf pencil out of my pocket. I had brought them to use when we discussed our plan for meeting with the detective. I wrote something and slid it over to Tara: IF YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU, YOU’LL STAY AWAY FROM CRACKER BARREL. She passed it over to Victoria to read.
Paul returned and looked around the table at each of us. I could tell he didn’t think he was up to asking what we were laughing about, and then his curiosity got the better of him. “What’s so funny?”
“We were talking about how we say ‘bless his heart.’ You can say anything about anyone if you follow it with ‘bless his heart.’” I was lying through my teeth. I mean, that is true, it’s just not what we were laughing about.
“That’s right!” Victoria exclaimed. “Her cooking is not fit to eat, bless her heart.”
“Or he can’t carry a tune in a bucket, so I don’t know why he’s in the choir, bless his heart.” When Tara said we would clean up, he didn’t argue. Like I said, no flies on Paul.
“Sweetie, it’s our turn to take snacks to
Victoria looked at her. “I’m only sorry I don’t know of a group of Northern women who meet to talk about crazy things Southerners say about Northerners so I could tell them that one. Are Northerners really all that different from Southerners? I will admit it is a little funny when they say things like grocery cart instead of buggy. Speaking of which, it’s almost always the Northerners that leave them in the middle of the parking lot at the grocery store. And our expressions are more, well, expressive. For instance, they say ‘nothing to write home about’ and we say ‘nothing to run home and tell Mom about.’ Other than that I’m sure we’re really alike.”
“ Wait, let’s go back to the part about sending your parents to Florida even if they don’t want to go. You cannot send your parents to someplace where they don’t even know what ‘I swan’ or ‘I swaney ’ means!” I looked at Paul, “Isn’t that right?”
“I have no idea what ‘I swan’ means.”
“No, the part about Northerners sending their parents to Florida, whether they want to go or not.”
“I don’t think so. I mean, I don’t know, I just … I should check on something in the kitchen.” We all shrugged our shoulders.
Tara stopped eating long enough to say, “I absolutely love your mother. Her funny expressions are etiquette advice. My mother would say things like, ‘I’ll slap you to sleep, then I’ll slap you for sleeping.’”
A few minutes later Paul returned with slices of Coca-Cola cake and homemade vanilla ice cream.
“There’s cake!” Victoria cried out.
“Now why did you do that?” I asked. “Why does cake surprise people? No one ever says, ‘There’s peas ! But cake always seems to surprise people.” Paul cocked his head again.
“ Mmmm .” Victoria had taken her first bite, and her head was swimming back and forth. “Y’all have got to taste this. It will make you take back things you never stole.”
“It’s just like going to church.” Paul gave Tara a peck on the cheek when she said this and went to get more sweet tea.
I took a bite and froze mid-chew. “You mean it’s just like going to Cracker Barrel!” I hissed with my mouth full. “He bought this cake there, didn’t he?”
“So what if he did, Leigh? You look like that bite just gave you lockjaw,” Victoria whispered .
“So what? We can’t have him going to Cracker Barrel.” Until then it was such a pleasant lunch, at least for the three of us. “Tara, handle it.”
“Handle it? What do you want me to do, kill him?”
“Actually I think up North they whack them,” Victoria corrected her.
I realized how we sounded and started to giggle, “No, just scare him.” I got the note pad and golf pencil out of my pocket. I had brought them to use when we discussed our plan for meeting with the detective. I wrote something and slid it over to Tara: IF YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU, YOU’LL STAY AWAY FROM CRACKER BARREL. She passed it over to Victoria to read.
Paul returned and looked around the table at each of us. I could tell he didn’t think he was up to asking what we were laughing about, and then his curiosity got the better of him. “What’s so funny?”
“We were talking about how we say ‘bless his heart.’ You can say anything about anyone if you follow it with ‘bless his heart.’” I was lying through my teeth. I mean, that is true, it’s just not what we were laughing about.
“That’s right!” Victoria exclaimed. “Her cooking is not fit to eat, bless her heart.”
“Or he can’t carry a tune in a bucket, so I don’t know why he’s in the choir, bless his heart.” When Tara said we would clean up, he didn’t argue. Like I said, no flies on Paul.
“Sweetie, it’s our turn to take snacks to
Similar Books
