Cut Too Deep by KJ Bell Page B

you’re scared.” Hadley shook her head frantically, doubting the accuracy of her therapist’s assumption. The doctor sighed as he leaned back in his chair. He folded his hands in his lap and twiddled his thumbs. “Or it could be that you’re looking at him as a father figure.”
    Hadley had extremely vivid sexual fantasies about this man. Thinking of him paternally repulsed her.
    “No offense, doctor, but that’s absurd.”
    Hadley could tell by the way the doctor nodded with a small smile and his head tilted slightly to the side that his next words were going to challenge her.
    “I understand why you think that. I’m not perverting the attraction you have for him in anyway, but it is a logical conclusion after everything you’ve been through.” She slinked down in her chair and resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “Miller is older than you correct?” Hadley assumed so and nodded, but then shook her head, still evading the validity of her doctor’s professional opinion. “Perhaps deep down, Mr. Genetti is the type of man you wished your father had been like. Would things have turned out differently if your father was successful and your family was well-off?”
    She decided to go with the notion she simply feared her feelings for Miller. Searching for the daddy she never had, in the man she had sexual feelings for, felt wrong.
    “I assure you, I’m not looking for a father figure, but I am confused by my feelings for him. I’m worried about him…and I’m afraid I may never see him again.”
    Behind the doctor’s smiling eyes, Hadley saw unwarranted pride. He ran his fingers through his white hair and leaned forward. “Then I think you have your answer.” His pause meant he expected a response, but words simply failed her. Hadley stared back at him with a dumfounded expression. “Admitting you care about someone is substantial progress for you.”
    “I didn’t admit anything!” Hadley snapped.
    “Not specifically, but we only worry when we care. That is human nature, and not a choice, Hadley.”
    Hadley hated that she cared about Miller, and she couldn’t understand it. Lust and real feelings didn’t gel in her world. Her feelings were dirty, and if acted upon would lead to heartache.
    “If I admit having feelings for him, I’ll get hurt. He may never come home and then he’ll be another person I cared for that left me.”
    “He’ll come home, and when he does maybe he’ll be someone more…someone meaningful.”
    Dr. LeClair didn’t say it directly, but when Miller returned she would have to work through how she felt. Her days of quietly stalking the sexy man from her office building had come to an end. She needed to sort out her emotions, separate sexual attraction from actually caring about Miller, but she didn’t do ‘meaningful’ in any sense of the word. She destroyed anyone ‘meaningful’, and then they abandoned her.
    With as close as she had become to Mac, Hadley kept him at a safe distance in case she had to end their friendship, or, more importantly, when Mac wanted to. And, in time he would want to. It had taken years for her to see Mac outside of work. Anyone who had ever meant anything to her disappointed her, especially once she relinquished trust. She owned responsibility over her inability to maintain relationships, and she refused to put her heart though anymore torture.
    “I don’t deserve meaningful.”
    “Why?” Dr. LeClair asked.
    “I think you know. The things I’ve done and let happen to me. I’m not the type of girl someone looks for a relationship with.”
    The clock ticked on the wall. Dr. LeClair watched her from across his desk. Hadley looked into his eyes for acceptance, but was greeted with resistance. Her doctor never agreed with her insecurities, but she wasn’t budging. The squeaking of the leather chair as she shifted her weight sliced loudly through the silence. If her therapist didn’t speak soon, Hadley was going to lose it. He put it on