Damage by Josephine Hart Page B

his own decisions. There would be no consultation with anyone. Just as it should be. And his plans were very clear. He meant to ask Anna to marry him. She would refuse him, of course. What then? How would he react?
    And what of Anna and me? We never spoke of the future. We never even spoke of the present.

T WENTY -T WO
    ‘A NNA. ’
    ‘Come in.’
    ‘Was it difficult getting away?’
    ‘No. Do you want a drink?’
    ‘I’d like a glass of red wine.’
    We were in Anna’s house. She sat opposite me. She put her glass down, slowly and deliberately, on a side-table.
    ‘You are going to start a conversation I don’t think I want to have. So it might be better to finish our wine, and part for today.’
    ‘No.’ Something in my voice may have told her I must be heard, because she replied, ‘All right.’
    ‘I must know that you will be in my life for ever. I must know that.’
    ‘Why?’
    ‘Because I must know that I can look at you, listen to you, breathe you, be inside you. I have got to know that. I can’t go back to being … almost dead. It’s not possible for me. That is how I was. There can be no “after Anna” in my life.’
    ‘That’s because you can’t envisage it. But there can be. It’s just that it’s a life after —’
    ‘I don’t want it. It’s not going to happen.’ I got up from my chair and stood in front of her. Perhaps there was something threatening in my movements. There was a tense silence between us. I moved away.
    ‘I think Martyn is going to ask you to marry him.’
    ‘Do you?’
    ‘It will be very sad for him. But it will lead to a resolution of this terrible situation.’
    ‘What will be sad for Martyn?’
    A marble coldness, the coldness of deep shock, enveloped me. Her words seemed frozen in the air. As if in a dream I heard her say, ‘I like Martyn. We have a very happy time together. I can build a real life with him. I may very well say yes. Martyn is far too intelligent to have gone this far, without at least the chance of an acceptance.’
    There are words we never dream we will utter.
    ‘You are considering marrying Martyn?’
    ‘Considering. Yes.’
    ‘You would marry my son?’
    There are answers we never dream we will hear.
    ‘Possibly. I warned you at the beginning. I told you to take care.’
    ‘Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.’
    ‘Yes. You remember. You can have what you want of me for ever. I want what you want. We can continue for all our lives, together. Lives can be arranged like that. If I married Martyn, think how easy it would be. We could see each other all the time. I could entwine myself around you like ivy round a tree. I recognised my ruler. The moment I saw you, I surrendered.’
    Her voice almost sang the words as she moved about the room.
    ‘But I also want Martyn. I want his life to share. He is my normality. We will be like any young couple setting out together. It’s right, it’s normal.’
    She spoke the word ‘normal’ as though it were a benediction.
    ‘It’s what I want. I want to marry Martyn. Be happy for me. You will have no less of me. You will have more of me. Yes. More, constantly more. Listen to me. I don’t want to marry you. Oh, I know you haven’t even thought about it. But you will, you will. You will start agonising over Ingrid. You will start making plans. Listen to me. Martyn would never, ever forgive you. He would be lost to you for ever. Sally would be dreadfully harmed. I would be the centre of a terrible scandal. And you, you would be destroyed. And for what? So that we could have a domestic life together. It would be a nonsense. We were not made for that. No, we are made for what it is that we have. The constant satisfaction of our need for each other.’
    ‘Perhaps you are mad, Anna. Perhaps that’s the reason for what you’re saying. Oh, God …’
    ‘I am totally sane.’
    ‘When did you work all this out?’
    ‘I haven’t “worked it out”, as you put it, in some