Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner Page A
Authors: Harriet Lerner
Ads: Link
charge.”
“For example?” I asked.
“For example, he goes out and buys Lori, our oldest daughter, this expensive dressing table that she’s had her eye on, and he doesn’t even consult me! He just tells me after the fact!” Sandra is now glaring at Larry, who refuses to meet her eye.
“When Larry does something that you disapprove of, like the dressing-table incident, how do you let him know?”
“It’s impossible!” Sandra said emphatically. “It’s simply impossible!”
“ What is impossible?” I persisted.
“Talking to him! Confronting him! He doesn’t talk about feelings. He doesn’t know how to discuss things. He just doesn’t respond. He clams up and wants to be left alone. He doesn’t even know how to fight. Either he talks in this superlogical manner, or he refuses to talk at all. He’d rather read a book or turn on the television.”
“Okay,” I said, “I think I understand how you see the problem.” It was Larry’s turn now: “How do you define the problem in your marriage, Larry?”
Larry proceeded to speak in a controlled and deliberate voice that almost masked the fact that he was as angry as his wife: “Sandra isn’t supportive enough, she doesn’t give enough, and she’s always on my back. I think that’s the main problem.” Larry fell silent, as if he was finished for the day.
“In what ways does Sandra fail to support you or give to you? Can you share a specific example?”
“Well, it’s hard to say. She cuts me down a lot, for one thing. Or, I walk in the door at six o’clock, and I’m tired and wanting some peace and quiet, and she just rattles on about the kids’ problems or her problems, or she just complains about one thing or another. Or, if I sit down to relax for five minutes, she’s on my back to discuss some earthshaking matter—like the garbage disposal is broken.” Larry was angry, but he managed to sound as if he was discussing the Dow-Jones average.
“Are you saying that you need some space?” I asked.
“Not exactly,” replied Larry. “I’m saying that Sandra is very overreactive. She’s very overemotional. She creates problems where they don’t even exist. Everything is a major case. And, yes, I suppose I am saying that I need more space.”
“What about the kids? Do you—“ I had not finished my question when Larry interrupted:
“Sandra is a very overinvolved mother,” he explained carefully, as if he were describing a patient at a clinical conference. “She worries excessively about the children. She inherited it from her mother. And, if you could meet her mother, you would understand.”
“Do you worry about the kids?” I inquired.
“Only when there’s something to worry about. For Sandra, it seems to be a full-time job.”
Although one would not have guessed it from this first session, Sandra and Larry were deeply committed to each other. At our initial meeting, however, they appeared to share only one thing in common—blaming. Like many couples, each spouse saw the locus of his or her marital difficulties as existing entirely within the other person, and each had the same unstated goal for marital therapy—that the other would be “fixed up” and “straightened out.”
Let’s take a closer look at the details of Sandra and Larry’s story, for there is much to be learned. Though couples differ markedly in how they present themselves, the ways in which they get stuck are very much the same.
“He Just Doesn’t Respond!”
“She’s Very Overemotional!”
Sound familiar? Sandra and Larry’s central complaints about each other will ring a bell for many couples. His unfeelingness, unavailability, and distance is a major source of her anger: “My husband withdraws from confrontation and cannot share his real feelings.” “My husband is like a machine.” “My husband refuses to talk about things.” “My husband is more invested in his work than in his family.” And it is no coincidence that men
“For example?” I asked.
“For example, he goes out and buys Lori, our oldest daughter, this expensive dressing table that she’s had her eye on, and he doesn’t even consult me! He just tells me after the fact!” Sandra is now glaring at Larry, who refuses to meet her eye.
“When Larry does something that you disapprove of, like the dressing-table incident, how do you let him know?”
“It’s impossible!” Sandra said emphatically. “It’s simply impossible!”
“ What is impossible?” I persisted.
“Talking to him! Confronting him! He doesn’t talk about feelings. He doesn’t know how to discuss things. He just doesn’t respond. He clams up and wants to be left alone. He doesn’t even know how to fight. Either he talks in this superlogical manner, or he refuses to talk at all. He’d rather read a book or turn on the television.”
“Okay,” I said, “I think I understand how you see the problem.” It was Larry’s turn now: “How do you define the problem in your marriage, Larry?”
Larry proceeded to speak in a controlled and deliberate voice that almost masked the fact that he was as angry as his wife: “Sandra isn’t supportive enough, she doesn’t give enough, and she’s always on my back. I think that’s the main problem.” Larry fell silent, as if he was finished for the day.
“In what ways does Sandra fail to support you or give to you? Can you share a specific example?”
“Well, it’s hard to say. She cuts me down a lot, for one thing. Or, I walk in the door at six o’clock, and I’m tired and wanting some peace and quiet, and she just rattles on about the kids’ problems or her problems, or she just complains about one thing or another. Or, if I sit down to relax for five minutes, she’s on my back to discuss some earthshaking matter—like the garbage disposal is broken.” Larry was angry, but he managed to sound as if he was discussing the Dow-Jones average.
“Are you saying that you need some space?” I asked.
“Not exactly,” replied Larry. “I’m saying that Sandra is very overreactive. She’s very overemotional. She creates problems where they don’t even exist. Everything is a major case. And, yes, I suppose I am saying that I need more space.”
“What about the kids? Do you—“ I had not finished my question when Larry interrupted:
“Sandra is a very overinvolved mother,” he explained carefully, as if he were describing a patient at a clinical conference. “She worries excessively about the children. She inherited it from her mother. And, if you could meet her mother, you would understand.”
“Do you worry about the kids?” I inquired.
“Only when there’s something to worry about. For Sandra, it seems to be a full-time job.”
Although one would not have guessed it from this first session, Sandra and Larry were deeply committed to each other. At our initial meeting, however, they appeared to share only one thing in common—blaming. Like many couples, each spouse saw the locus of his or her marital difficulties as existing entirely within the other person, and each had the same unstated goal for marital therapy—that the other would be “fixed up” and “straightened out.”
Let’s take a closer look at the details of Sandra and Larry’s story, for there is much to be learned. Though couples differ markedly in how they present themselves, the ways in which they get stuck are very much the same.
“He Just Doesn’t Respond!”
“She’s Very Overemotional!”
Sound familiar? Sandra and Larry’s central complaints about each other will ring a bell for many couples. His unfeelingness, unavailability, and distance is a major source of her anger: “My husband withdraws from confrontation and cannot share his real feelings.” “My husband is like a machine.” “My husband refuses to talk about things.” “My husband is more invested in his work than in his family.” And it is no coincidence that men
Similar Books
