Dancing Towards the Blade and Other Stories by Mark Billingham Page B

know how I’m going to feel,’ she said.
    ‘Afterwards?’
    She nodded.
    I remembered her face when she’d been talking in the bar. The way she’d talked about wanting it to hurt. ‘Pretty good, by the sound of it,’ I said.
    ‘Yeah, I’ll feel good … and relieved . I mean how I’m going to feel when I’m watching it happen, though. It’s not something everyone gets to see, is it?’
    ‘No, it isn’t.’
    ‘Probably something you never forget, right?’
    She made it sound like she was going whale-watching. She slid down the bed a little and kept on closing her eyes for a few seconds at a time.
    ‘You think you might feel guilty after?’ I asked.
    Her eyes stayed closed as she shook her head. ‘Not a chance.’
    ‘I hope you’re right.’
    ‘Why the hell should I feel guilty when he never did?’
    ‘You know that for sure?’
    She opened her eyes. ‘Well, it wasn’t like I was visiting him every week or nothing, but I don’t think a man like that has any normal human feelings.’ She took a swig of beer, ignored the dribble that ran down her neck. ‘He wrote us a letter a month or so back and he said he was sorry, all that shit, but it’s easy to come out with that stuff when you know the needle’s just around the corner, right? Probably told to do it by his lawyer. So they’ve got something to show when they’re pushing for a stay, you know?’ She tried to brush away the remains of the chips from her shirt. ‘Said he’d found God as well.’
    ‘I think that happens a lot.’
    ‘Yeah, well, tomorrow he’ll get a lot closer to Him, right?’
    ‘You religious?’
    ‘Sure,’ she said.
    ‘So this isn’t a problem for you?’
    ‘Why should it be?’
    ‘What happened to “thou shalt not kill”?’
    ‘Shame he never thought about that.’
    ‘He obviously didn’t believe in anything back then,’ I said.
    She shook her head again and screwed her face up like she was getting irritated. ‘Look, it isn’t me that’s going to be doing the killing, is it?’ She raised the bottle, then thought of something. ‘Okay, smart-ass, what about, “as you reap, you shall sow”? It’s something like that, right?’
    I nodded. ‘Something like that, yeah.’
    ‘Right.’ She turned on to her side suddenly and leaned up on one elbow. She slid a leg across the bed and lifted it over mine. ‘Anyway, what the hell are we talking about this stuff for?’
    ‘You were the one started talking about God,’ I said.
    ‘Yeah, well, there’s other things I’d rather be talking about.’ She blinked slowly which she probably thought was sexy, but which made her seem even drunker. ‘Other things I’d rather be doing .’
    ‘I’m not sure that’s a good idea.’
    ‘Come on,’ she said. ‘I know that’s what you want. I saw you looking in the restaurant.’
    ‘Yeah, I was looking.’
    ‘So?’
    ‘You’ve had too much to drink.’
    ‘I’ve had just enough.’
    I smiled. ‘You won’t feel good about yourself tomorrow.’
    ‘I’ve got more important things to worry about tomorrow,’ she said. She put a hand between my legs. ‘Now are you going to get about your business, or what?’
    I did what she was asking. It didn’t take long and it was pretty clear that she needed it a damn sight more than I did. She cried a little afterwards, but I just let her and I’m not sure which of us got to sleep first.
    I left early without making any noise, and when I turned at the door to look at her wrapped up in the thin hotel sheet, I was thinking that, aside from the fact that I am crazy about nachos and salsa, almost everything I’d told her about myself had been a lie.
    God only knows why they call it ‘The Walls’. They’re thick enough and tall enough for sure, but the men behind them have got a damn sight more to worry about than what’s keeping them inside.
    The Huntsville Unit in particular.
    One of the deputy wardens led me across the compound from the Visitor’s Waiting Area and in