simply by opening your front door and yelling: “Hey! I need some crack!”
Here’s another irony: The federal toilet law is administered by the U.S. Department of Energy. According to a
Washington Post
article sent in by many alert readers, the DOE recently had to close several men’s rooms in the Forrestall Building because—I am STILL notmaking this up—overpressurized air in the plumbing lines was
causing urinals to explode
. That’s correct: These people are operating the Urinals of Death, and they’re threatening to fine
us
if we procure working toilets.
The public—and this is why I love this nation—is not taking this sitting down. There has been a grass-roots campaign, led by commode activists, to change the toilet law, and a bill that would do that (H.R. 859—The Plumbing Standards Act) has been introduced in Congress by Representative Joe Knollenberg of Michigan. I talked to Representative Knollenberg’s press secretary, Frank Maisano, who told me that the public response has been very positive. But the bill has two strikes against it:
It makes sense.
People want it.
These are huge liabilities in Washington. The toilet bill will probably face lengthy hearings and organized opposition from paid lobbyists; for all we know it will get linked to Whitewater and wind up being investigated by up to four special prosecutors. So it may not be passed in your lifetime. But I urge you to do what you can. Write to your congresshumans, and tell them you support Representative Knollenberg’s bill. While you’re at it, tell them you’d like to see a constitutional amendment stating that if any federal agency has so much spare time that it’s regulating toilets, that agency will immediately be eliminated, and its buildings will be used for some activity that has some measurable public benefit, such as laser tag.
So come on, America! This is your chance to make a difference! Stand up to these morons! Join the movement!
Speaking of which, I have to go flush.
Smuggler’s Blues
I say it’s time our “leaders” in Washington stopped blathering about sex and started paying attention to the issues that really MATTER to this nation, such as whether we should declare war on Canada.
I say: yes. I base this position on a shocking document that I have obtained via a conduit that I will identify here, for reasons of confidentiality, only as “The U.S. Postal Service.” Here is a direct quote from this document:
STEP ONE: Before inflating Passionate Pam, be sure to smear plenty of …
Whoops! Wrong document! I meant to quote from an article in the July 1998 issue of
Contractor
magazine, which was sent to me by alert reader Steve Hill. The article, written by Rob Heselbarth, begins:
WINDSOR, ONTARIO—Americans are crossing the Canadian border near Detroit to purchase 3.5-gallon-per-flush toilets.
That is correct: Canada has become a major supplier of illegal 3.5-gallon toilets. These toilets were banned by Congress in 1992 underthe Energy Policy and Conservation Act, which decreed that henceforth U.S. citizens had to buy 1.6-gallon toilets, which would conserve a lot of water if they worked, which unfortunately most of them don’t, the result being that U.S. citizens now spend more time flushing their toilets than on all other forms of exercise combined.
But that is not the point. The point is that 1.6-gallon toilets are the law of the land, and as the late Supreme Court Justice Felix Frankfurter stated: “Just because Congress passes a stupid law, that is no excuse for awwwggh.” Unfortunately, Justice Frankfurter died at that point, but most legal scholars believe he intended to finish his sentence by saying “… that is no excuse for people to go up to Canada and buy working toilets.”
Yet that is exactly what is happening. The
Contractor
article quotes a Canadian plumbing wholesaler as follows: “We’ve definitely seen an increase in the sales of 3.5-gallon toilets. The people who buy them are
Here’s another irony: The federal toilet law is administered by the U.S. Department of Energy. According to a
Washington Post
article sent in by many alert readers, the DOE recently had to close several men’s rooms in the Forrestall Building because—I am STILL notmaking this up—overpressurized air in the plumbing lines was
causing urinals to explode
. That’s correct: These people are operating the Urinals of Death, and they’re threatening to fine
us
if we procure working toilets.
The public—and this is why I love this nation—is not taking this sitting down. There has been a grass-roots campaign, led by commode activists, to change the toilet law, and a bill that would do that (H.R. 859—The Plumbing Standards Act) has been introduced in Congress by Representative Joe Knollenberg of Michigan. I talked to Representative Knollenberg’s press secretary, Frank Maisano, who told me that the public response has been very positive. But the bill has two strikes against it:
It makes sense.
People want it.
These are huge liabilities in Washington. The toilet bill will probably face lengthy hearings and organized opposition from paid lobbyists; for all we know it will get linked to Whitewater and wind up being investigated by up to four special prosecutors. So it may not be passed in your lifetime. But I urge you to do what you can. Write to your congresshumans, and tell them you support Representative Knollenberg’s bill. While you’re at it, tell them you’d like to see a constitutional amendment stating that if any federal agency has so much spare time that it’s regulating toilets, that agency will immediately be eliminated, and its buildings will be used for some activity that has some measurable public benefit, such as laser tag.
So come on, America! This is your chance to make a difference! Stand up to these morons! Join the movement!
Speaking of which, I have to go flush.
Smuggler’s Blues
I say it’s time our “leaders” in Washington stopped blathering about sex and started paying attention to the issues that really MATTER to this nation, such as whether we should declare war on Canada.
I say: yes. I base this position on a shocking document that I have obtained via a conduit that I will identify here, for reasons of confidentiality, only as “The U.S. Postal Service.” Here is a direct quote from this document:
STEP ONE: Before inflating Passionate Pam, be sure to smear plenty of …
Whoops! Wrong document! I meant to quote from an article in the July 1998 issue of
Contractor
magazine, which was sent to me by alert reader Steve Hill. The article, written by Rob Heselbarth, begins:
WINDSOR, ONTARIO—Americans are crossing the Canadian border near Detroit to purchase 3.5-gallon-per-flush toilets.
That is correct: Canada has become a major supplier of illegal 3.5-gallon toilets. These toilets were banned by Congress in 1992 underthe Energy Policy and Conservation Act, which decreed that henceforth U.S. citizens had to buy 1.6-gallon toilets, which would conserve a lot of water if they worked, which unfortunately most of them don’t, the result being that U.S. citizens now spend more time flushing their toilets than on all other forms of exercise combined.
But that is not the point. The point is that 1.6-gallon toilets are the law of the land, and as the late Supreme Court Justice Felix Frankfurter stated: “Just because Congress passes a stupid law, that is no excuse for awwwggh.” Unfortunately, Justice Frankfurter died at that point, but most legal scholars believe he intended to finish his sentence by saying “… that is no excuse for people to go up to Canada and buy working toilets.”
Yet that is exactly what is happening. The
Contractor
article quotes a Canadian plumbing wholesaler as follows: “We’ve definitely seen an increase in the sales of 3.5-gallon toilets. The people who buy them are
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