Death and the Dervish (Writings From An Unbound Europe) by Mesa Selimovic Page B

the same in all of its endless chases, both great and small. I was not on either side, but my position was extremely important. It excited me that I could be the judge and decide everything with a single spoken word. The fate of this man was in my hands. I was his fate, and I had never felt so much power in anything that I could do. An innocent greeting or a soft cough could destroy him. Yet I did not give him away, not because his eyes, which I could hardly see from where I stood, were certainly begging for mercy, not even because it might have been unjust to do so, but because I wanted the game to continue: I wanted to be a spectator and a witness, horrified and excited.
    The pursuers returned. They were not running any more, but walking, confused and furious, because everything had gone awry. Now they were not only the pursuers, but also the pursued: his escape would mean their condemnation. Here nothing could end peacefully; the outcome, whatever it might be, would be ugly.
    Everyone involved in this game kept silent, I, the pursued, and the pursuers. Only the Albanian guards on thedam in the gorge were singing a drawling song from their homeland, and that foreign lament, which sounded like wild sobs, made our silence even more oppressive.
    The footsteps drew near, hushed and indecisive. I began to follow them, straining my senses, part pursuer and part fugitive, since I was neither. I passionately wished for him both to be caught and to escape, fear for the fugitive mixed strangely with the desire to shout out where he was, and all of this turned into a torturous pleasure.
    The pursuers stopped in front of the door. I held my breath, and with heartbeats full of impatience I lived through that moment, which was to decide my own fate as well.
    The fugitive was certainly not breathing, either; the thin boards of the door were all that separated him from his pursuers. They stood less than a few inches apart, and yet they were far away from each other; their ignorance and his hope separated them like a mountain. His arms were still outstretched, and his face glowed like phosphorous. I was so excited that the forks of his arms and legs blurred in my eyes; but the white blot of his face remained, like a symbol of his terror.
    Would his pursuers open the gate and enter? Would his foot slip on the smooth stone and draw their attention? Would I clear my throat from anxiety and summon them? Their two forms of despair would struggle, but there were more of the pursuers, he would be able to hold them back only for a moment. Then they would find themselves face to face, and that would be his end. They would fall on him brutally, because of their fear and rage at having lost him, and because of their joy at finding him again. I would only watch, sickened by the outcome, praying for them to leave the tekke garden. But at that moment I felt like the pursued, accidentally, because I could just as well have felt like the pursuers. But maybe that was not accidental. Him I could see, and I wanted the unseen men in front of the gate to leave, so I would not also have to see his ugly end. It seemedthat my wish aided this man who was fighting so helplessly for his life, that it gave him some prospects for survival.
    And indeed, as if my concentrated will had some effect, the footsteps moved away from the gate. Then they stopped again in confusion, one of them was not sure that they should not try it: they could still come back. But they did not; they set off down the street toward the kasaba.
    The man was still standing in the same position, but the stiffness of his muscles had surely slackened, and the farther away the footsteps moved, the more his strength gave out.
    It was good that everything had ended this way. If they had caught him or beat him in front of me, the brutal image would have lingered in my memory long afterward. And I might have even begun to feel remorse at having for a moment been ready to hand him over, and at having taken