desperately needed. My parents, bless them, handled the devastating loss of their second son more graciously than me…
at least, I thought so. My grief was so raw, so incredibly confronting and completely overwhelming. I blamed myself. If only I knew more, had studied more, had understood him, spent more time with him…if only the medication he was taking had helped him deal with life more effectively, rather than take it from him. I found it impossible to reconcile the loss of Michael’s life in my mind. There was so much I needed to sort out in my head, to understand why my brother, why not me? Why did this happen to our family? Was it part of our gene pool or something unique to him? God knows, my family and friends tried to support me but I wasn’t ready for their help. I didn’t want their pity or anyone else’s, so I pushed them away, including Alexa, to work it out for myself.
I had to get away from the pulse and stress of the city and find some perspective. I had an overwhelming urge to bury my pain, needed to be hands-on rather than lumbered with textbooks, theories and lectures. I needed to prove I was alive, unlike Michael, whose life was lost at the vital age of twenty. The flying doctor organisation and the outback provided me with space, sanctuary and distance from everyone and everything I had known. Thankfully, they were in desperate need of medical staff and accepted my application as soon as I secured my pilot’s licence, as I could provide both medical and flying roles for them. An extra set of strong male hands never went astray when working in the harshness of our great southern land either.
Everything seemed to fall into place when I met Leo. He too, had lost a cousin to suicide and we spent many hours discussing our theories as to why and how such acute depression happens to some and not others, never being able to decide on whether the contributing factors were psychological, chemical or environmental or how they connected. He provided me the mentorship I needed to get my life back on track.
I needed that then, just as desperately as I need Alex now. Back then I had to let her go so we could pursue our futures independently. I wasn’t ready to give her the family she longed for and I couldn’t be diverted from my mission to find a cure for depression. I had to prevent other families going through the pain and anguish we had to deal with when we lost Michael. But now I know she is my connection to the earth; my love for her is so great I will not allow her to slip through my fingers again. She is the oxygen that fuels my life.
I remember the conversation we had in Santorini that secured our separation for the next decade. It began as an inspired discussion on our paths in life and ended at a fork in the road, like the tongue of a serpent and stung just as badly, for me, anyhow…
‘I’m ready for something more meaningful, Jeremy. I’m just not getting the buzz out of work that I used to. It’s becoming routine, monotonous. The business world is all about the money and I need to know I’m helping people, not just making money for money’s sake. Besides, I’m not as driven as you and I know I need more than work in my life to satisfy me…’
‘So what are you going to do about it?’
We are basking in the sun on a warm rock by the warm waters of the Aegean Sea and I’m doing my duty, rubbing sunscreen on Alexa’s back. It’s a tough life!
‘I’m thinking of going back to psychology full-time.’
‘Wow. That’s a big move. Are you ready for it?’
‘Yeah, I am. But it’s more than that. I think I’m ready to settle down.’ I keep up the sensuous strokes along her smooth back.
‘Settle down. What do you mean?’ A small wave of apprehension shudders through me.
Settle down, shit…not my Alexa!
‘You know, start a family, maybe return to Australia. I don’t want to raise a family in central London.’
‘You’re serious?’ I inadvertently splat more sunscreen
at least, I thought so. My grief was so raw, so incredibly confronting and completely overwhelming. I blamed myself. If only I knew more, had studied more, had understood him, spent more time with him…if only the medication he was taking had helped him deal with life more effectively, rather than take it from him. I found it impossible to reconcile the loss of Michael’s life in my mind. There was so much I needed to sort out in my head, to understand why my brother, why not me? Why did this happen to our family? Was it part of our gene pool or something unique to him? God knows, my family and friends tried to support me but I wasn’t ready for their help. I didn’t want their pity or anyone else’s, so I pushed them away, including Alexa, to work it out for myself.
I had to get away from the pulse and stress of the city and find some perspective. I had an overwhelming urge to bury my pain, needed to be hands-on rather than lumbered with textbooks, theories and lectures. I needed to prove I was alive, unlike Michael, whose life was lost at the vital age of twenty. The flying doctor organisation and the outback provided me with space, sanctuary and distance from everyone and everything I had known. Thankfully, they were in desperate need of medical staff and accepted my application as soon as I secured my pilot’s licence, as I could provide both medical and flying roles for them. An extra set of strong male hands never went astray when working in the harshness of our great southern land either.
Everything seemed to fall into place when I met Leo. He too, had lost a cousin to suicide and we spent many hours discussing our theories as to why and how such acute depression happens to some and not others, never being able to decide on whether the contributing factors were psychological, chemical or environmental or how they connected. He provided me the mentorship I needed to get my life back on track.
I needed that then, just as desperately as I need Alex now. Back then I had to let her go so we could pursue our futures independently. I wasn’t ready to give her the family she longed for and I couldn’t be diverted from my mission to find a cure for depression. I had to prevent other families going through the pain and anguish we had to deal with when we lost Michael. But now I know she is my connection to the earth; my love for her is so great I will not allow her to slip through my fingers again. She is the oxygen that fuels my life.
I remember the conversation we had in Santorini that secured our separation for the next decade. It began as an inspired discussion on our paths in life and ended at a fork in the road, like the tongue of a serpent and stung just as badly, for me, anyhow…
‘I’m ready for something more meaningful, Jeremy. I’m just not getting the buzz out of work that I used to. It’s becoming routine, monotonous. The business world is all about the money and I need to know I’m helping people, not just making money for money’s sake. Besides, I’m not as driven as you and I know I need more than work in my life to satisfy me…’
‘So what are you going to do about it?’
We are basking in the sun on a warm rock by the warm waters of the Aegean Sea and I’m doing my duty, rubbing sunscreen on Alexa’s back. It’s a tough life!
‘I’m thinking of going back to psychology full-time.’
‘Wow. That’s a big move. Are you ready for it?’
‘Yeah, I am. But it’s more than that. I think I’m ready to settle down.’ I keep up the sensuous strokes along her smooth back.
‘Settle down. What do you mean?’ A small wave of apprehension shudders through me.
Settle down, shit…not my Alexa!
‘You know, start a family, maybe return to Australia. I don’t want to raise a family in central London.’
‘You’re serious?’ I inadvertently splat more sunscreen
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