I’m voting for him, too, but the president doesn’t really have anything to do with any this, I don’t care how cute his daughters are. The captain of a ship can run a great ship, but he can’t do anything about the tides. My dad used to say that. Did you tell Gregory that you had a meeting with the executive team today about marketing initiatives?”
I pretend to think hard about this. “I’m sorry, Doug, I don’t believe I know a Gregory.”
“I think you might. Nice hair. Perfect diction. Always wears a tie.”
“Oh, you mean Greg ? Yeah, I know Greg.”
“Well, you can congratulate yourself, because I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so pissed off.”
I place my hand on my heart. “Well, then the day wasn’t a total loss.”
Normally Doug would smile here, but not today. He crosses his arms, thoroughly unamused by me, and nods at the television. “You know, it wouldn’t hurt you to have a few people on your good side for a change. Comrades are important when corporations start falling to the ground.”
“I’d never align with the Dark Side, Doug, you know that. Besides, what do I have to worry about? You’re on my good side, right?”
He gives me a look that lets me know that he could go either way on this. My rivalry with Darth Gregory has been a pain in this man’s ass for years, since the day Greg was reconstructed by evil droids and hired here. Doug is my boss and Greg’s boss, and, apparently when two of your direct reports hate each other with irrational passion, it reflects poorly on your management skills. Last year, Doug went so far as to take us both to lunch to help us settle our differences. Our latest argument then was about how I’d embarrassed Greg in a staff meeting by suggesting that he no longer be allowed to use the term “low-hanging fruit” to describe easy-to-acquire customers on the grounds that it sounded gross. I’d taken to making a buzzing sound in meetings whenever Greg used buzzwords, which was particularly childish, but very effective. Everything at lunch was going well until I said that I was going to circle back and try to leverage a strategy that would create synergy between my chicken sandwich and my iced tea.
Sometimes it’s tiring behaving the way that I do.
“He’s also upset about something else,” says Doug. “Something a little more . . . well, sensitive.”
“Oh?” I say. “Is it the dead fish I left in his locker after study hall?”
Still no smile. Doug is giving me nothing here. “Not exactly. He thinks you’ve been less than professional with a certain junior copywriter who’s currently under your tutelage.”
I’m rarely shocked by things said in this building, but here I am, my mouth open. “What?”
He shrugs. “I’m just the messenger here, my friend.”
“Katie works for me, Doug, and I’m trying to help her be a better copywriter. And we actually get along with each other, which is probably a foreign concept to Greg. What business is it of his anyway? I don’t tell him how to deal with his storm troopers.”
Doug rubs his eyes, tired of all this. “Listen, this is Gregory we’re talking about, so you have to take it all with a grain of salt. He’s probably just jealous. I don’t imagine he’s had a lot of success in his life with girls who look like that. But let me give you some friendly advice, OK? Off the record. Beware of young, beautiful things.”
The awkwardness in the room manifests itself into a burst of laughter from my mouth.
“I’m serious. For guys our age, they bring nothing but pain and hardship.”
“Doug, I’m nowhere near your age.”
“You’re close enough, believe me. When I was coming up, offices were dark places filled with ugly men in bad suits. But now . . . well, you think it’s a coincidence that the divorce rate has gone up steadily with the amount of women in the workplace?”
I’ve never thought of this before, and it makes me wonder how many divorces my dad could
I pretend to think hard about this. “I’m sorry, Doug, I don’t believe I know a Gregory.”
“I think you might. Nice hair. Perfect diction. Always wears a tie.”
“Oh, you mean Greg ? Yeah, I know Greg.”
“Well, you can congratulate yourself, because I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so pissed off.”
I place my hand on my heart. “Well, then the day wasn’t a total loss.”
Normally Doug would smile here, but not today. He crosses his arms, thoroughly unamused by me, and nods at the television. “You know, it wouldn’t hurt you to have a few people on your good side for a change. Comrades are important when corporations start falling to the ground.”
“I’d never align with the Dark Side, Doug, you know that. Besides, what do I have to worry about? You’re on my good side, right?”
He gives me a look that lets me know that he could go either way on this. My rivalry with Darth Gregory has been a pain in this man’s ass for years, since the day Greg was reconstructed by evil droids and hired here. Doug is my boss and Greg’s boss, and, apparently when two of your direct reports hate each other with irrational passion, it reflects poorly on your management skills. Last year, Doug went so far as to take us both to lunch to help us settle our differences. Our latest argument then was about how I’d embarrassed Greg in a staff meeting by suggesting that he no longer be allowed to use the term “low-hanging fruit” to describe easy-to-acquire customers on the grounds that it sounded gross. I’d taken to making a buzzing sound in meetings whenever Greg used buzzwords, which was particularly childish, but very effective. Everything at lunch was going well until I said that I was going to circle back and try to leverage a strategy that would create synergy between my chicken sandwich and my iced tea.
Sometimes it’s tiring behaving the way that I do.
“He’s also upset about something else,” says Doug. “Something a little more . . . well, sensitive.”
“Oh?” I say. “Is it the dead fish I left in his locker after study hall?”
Still no smile. Doug is giving me nothing here. “Not exactly. He thinks you’ve been less than professional with a certain junior copywriter who’s currently under your tutelage.”
I’m rarely shocked by things said in this building, but here I am, my mouth open. “What?”
He shrugs. “I’m just the messenger here, my friend.”
“Katie works for me, Doug, and I’m trying to help her be a better copywriter. And we actually get along with each other, which is probably a foreign concept to Greg. What business is it of his anyway? I don’t tell him how to deal with his storm troopers.”
Doug rubs his eyes, tired of all this. “Listen, this is Gregory we’re talking about, so you have to take it all with a grain of salt. He’s probably just jealous. I don’t imagine he’s had a lot of success in his life with girls who look like that. But let me give you some friendly advice, OK? Off the record. Beware of young, beautiful things.”
The awkwardness in the room manifests itself into a burst of laughter from my mouth.
“I’m serious. For guys our age, they bring nothing but pain and hardship.”
“Doug, I’m nowhere near your age.”
“You’re close enough, believe me. When I was coming up, offices were dark places filled with ugly men in bad suits. But now . . . well, you think it’s a coincidence that the divorce rate has gone up steadily with the amount of women in the workplace?”
I’ve never thought of this before, and it makes me wonder how many divorces my dad could
Similar Books
