Earth vs. Everybody by John Swartzwelder Page B

just plain
mystifying. To our surprise, we discovered that we didn’t know nearly as much
about Intergalactic Law as we thought we did. What the hell was “Xappyx vs.
Zernx”? And how did it serve as a precedent in this case? And what in the hell
was a “precedent”? We couldn’t follow that part of the trial—the legal part—at
all. We thought it was going to be like the trials we saw on TV, with people
pointing shaking fingers at Buzzy and saying: “There he is! There’s your space
monster!” And Buzzy struggling to get at the witness and threatening to wreak
his awful revenge on everybody. And cops whacking him to get him to settle down
and be nice. And the judge banging his gavel to add to the noise. But it wasn’t
anything like that at all. It was just a bunch of legal junk. Our local newsmen
tried to get a handle on what was going on for their viewers by analyzing the
facial expressions of the prosecutor and the defense attorney and the other
newsmen. And that seemed to work pretty well. Now we knew when something smiley
was happening. Or something frowny. At least we were getting some idea of what
was going on. We weren’t completely in the dark like we were before.
    The reporters who
had flown in from space for the trial knew what was going on, of course—they
were familiar with Xappyx vs. Zernx—but they didn’t seem to be too interested
in the opening days of the trial. They were more interested in reporting back
to their home planets all the sights and sounds and smells around Central City,
busily taking pictures of the trees and lakes and parks and so on.
    The Mayor was
excited by this—this is what the city fathers had hoped would happen—and tried
to get the reporters to take pictures of the city’s Bustling Business District,
its Various City Improvements, and our World Famous Vacant Lots, with him
standing in front of them wearing his “Mayor” sash. But the reporters just
wanted to take pictures of the sky and the greenery and the water. And they
didn’t want the Mayor in the pictures at all. Not even on the edge. He thought
they were the worst tourists he had ever seen.
    The courtroom was
packed for the first couple of days, but since nobody really understood the
legal issues involved, and there was just that one fist-fight, when the jury
accidentally picked two foremen, soon everybody was back outside trying to
slicker our alien visitors out of as much money as possible. Everyone was
renting out their yards for space ship parking at exorbitant prices, and
offering the aliens everything from “Space Insurance” to “Space Bums” (that was
me) at triple the ordinary prices. It wasn’t long before a number of visitors
to our fair city had to send back to space for more money.
    Then,
on the memorable afternoon of July 4 th 2009, Independence Day, just when Buzzy’s trial was about to reach its stunning
prosecutorial misconduct phase, and just when I was finally about to start
turning a pre-tax profit with my bum business, Central City was attacked from
space. The prosecutors had been promising real “fireworks” for the 4 th of July, but they got more “fireworks”
than they had “bargained for”.

CHAPTER SEVEN
     
    Since it was the
4 th of July, I was asking
passersby for firecrackers when the alien warships entered the atmosphere. I
looked up, irritated at the interruption. A laser beam took off my hat. Another
one hit the bum next to me, who promptly sprang to pieces. Buildings around me
began exploding and holes started being punched in the sidewalk by bright green
power rays. The sky was full of alien craft of all shapes and sizes, from every
planet you could name—and more. I had no idea what it was all about. Nobody
tells bums anything. When I’m running things, that will change. We’ll keep the
bums informed. In fact, I think we’ll tell them first.
    The public wasn’t
alarmed by all the explosions at first. They thought it was the greatest
fireworks display ever,