darkness scared me and every time I shifted, I could feel its power – seductive, controlling and greedy, trying to trap me on the other side. It was a blatant reminder of the night I killed the mortal Enoch.
Troy cleared his throat, and I opened my eyes.
“I was trying to meditate, if you don’t mind,” I lied.
“Really?” He smirked. “Didn’t look that way to me.”
He kept staring at me, his eyes waiting, expecting something I had no idea how to acknowledge. Patiently, he waited for me to figure things out. I bit down on my lip. Why was he so patient with me? Was he using me, just like everyone else? My mind was heading into the darkness again.
Paranoia: Phase one .
I leaned forward, holding on to Troy’s arm, his warmth settling my insecurities. Now I was using him as a tool to my true thoughts. I pushed down the pain in my chest. I was unsure of why I was holding on so tight to a past I regretted. It was because of regret that I held on. I didn’t want regrets, I wanted to fix it. I could see myself in the soft, brown hues of his eyes as he stared back. He was trying hard not to read my mind, to not steal thoughts I didn’t want him to have. He knew I had to do this on my own.
Finally, he said again. “Tell me what it’s like for you, Ava.” His velvet voice stirred up the feeling of unsettled and misunderstood emotions within me.
“It’s hard to explain.”
“I don’t see why,” he said plainly, his gaze never leaving mine.
We sat staring at each other, searching each other’s faces.
“Why?” I asked him. He knew I was hiding something.
“Think of why you feel the way you do.” He said it like it was the simplest thing in the universe.
I tried, but all I could think of was every memory that had filled me recently, memories wrought with sadness, horror and loathing – self-loathing; memories I was to blame for.
“Stop that.” He pulled my arm in his grip.
“I…, I.” I wanted to break, as if I was not broken enough. Tears escaped my eyes. I tasted the warm, salty liquid on my lips, as others rolled over my chin and fell to my lap.
“It hurts.” This feeling was like a lonely friend to me.
“I know.” He pulled my head to his and our foreheads touched. “It will be okay. Just remember who you are, okay?”
I wanted to tell him I had no idea who I was, that things were so unclear, that I was being created right before his very eyes. But I knew exactly who I was, and the victim-syndrome was just an escape.
“It’s simple, Ava.” All the while keeping his eyes on the ground below as we entered Poseidon’s atmosphere. I was so stuck in my thoughts, I hardly felt him pull away from me. Maybe I was losing all sense of touch on my skin so completely that not even his warmth was felt anymore. I pressed against the window as I stood, staring out into an ocean of dark beauty. It was hard to admit the truth, but it was harder to let someone else, whom I idolized, know what a basket case I was. The mere fact that I had admitted I had no love for myself, felt severely worse than I thought it ever would. Within me I could not find a reason to be loved. But it was true, and the sooner we moved on from that, the better it would be for everyone. I had a terrible love growing inside of me – and I was willingly walking into its treacherous claws. Would he still want me if he knew I wasn’t what everyone wanted me to be? ‘The White Divine’ – the light was no light at all, but only brought on deceptive darkness and the torturing danger. I didn’t want that for him. He deserved some kind of happiness. I searched for any happy memories, anything, but sorrow followed me, it poisoned my skin and twisted in my gut. It held me on fire for some kind of release from the pain, but for now, I held it tight to my chest like it was the only thing I possessed. I stared at the purple glow of our home planet, letting thoughts swirl around inside my head. Why was it so much easier to be the
Troy cleared his throat, and I opened my eyes.
“I was trying to meditate, if you don’t mind,” I lied.
“Really?” He smirked. “Didn’t look that way to me.”
He kept staring at me, his eyes waiting, expecting something I had no idea how to acknowledge. Patiently, he waited for me to figure things out. I bit down on my lip. Why was he so patient with me? Was he using me, just like everyone else? My mind was heading into the darkness again.
Paranoia: Phase one .
I leaned forward, holding on to Troy’s arm, his warmth settling my insecurities. Now I was using him as a tool to my true thoughts. I pushed down the pain in my chest. I was unsure of why I was holding on so tight to a past I regretted. It was because of regret that I held on. I didn’t want regrets, I wanted to fix it. I could see myself in the soft, brown hues of his eyes as he stared back. He was trying hard not to read my mind, to not steal thoughts I didn’t want him to have. He knew I had to do this on my own.
Finally, he said again. “Tell me what it’s like for you, Ava.” His velvet voice stirred up the feeling of unsettled and misunderstood emotions within me.
“It’s hard to explain.”
“I don’t see why,” he said plainly, his gaze never leaving mine.
We sat staring at each other, searching each other’s faces.
“Why?” I asked him. He knew I was hiding something.
“Think of why you feel the way you do.” He said it like it was the simplest thing in the universe.
I tried, but all I could think of was every memory that had filled me recently, memories wrought with sadness, horror and loathing – self-loathing; memories I was to blame for.
“Stop that.” He pulled my arm in his grip.
“I…, I.” I wanted to break, as if I was not broken enough. Tears escaped my eyes. I tasted the warm, salty liquid on my lips, as others rolled over my chin and fell to my lap.
“It hurts.” This feeling was like a lonely friend to me.
“I know.” He pulled my head to his and our foreheads touched. “It will be okay. Just remember who you are, okay?”
I wanted to tell him I had no idea who I was, that things were so unclear, that I was being created right before his very eyes. But I knew exactly who I was, and the victim-syndrome was just an escape.
“It’s simple, Ava.” All the while keeping his eyes on the ground below as we entered Poseidon’s atmosphere. I was so stuck in my thoughts, I hardly felt him pull away from me. Maybe I was losing all sense of touch on my skin so completely that not even his warmth was felt anymore. I pressed against the window as I stood, staring out into an ocean of dark beauty. It was hard to admit the truth, but it was harder to let someone else, whom I idolized, know what a basket case I was. The mere fact that I had admitted I had no love for myself, felt severely worse than I thought it ever would. Within me I could not find a reason to be loved. But it was true, and the sooner we moved on from that, the better it would be for everyone. I had a terrible love growing inside of me – and I was willingly walking into its treacherous claws. Would he still want me if he knew I wasn’t what everyone wanted me to be? ‘The White Divine’ – the light was no light at all, but only brought on deceptive darkness and the torturing danger. I didn’t want that for him. He deserved some kind of happiness. I searched for any happy memories, anything, but sorrow followed me, it poisoned my skin and twisted in my gut. It held me on fire for some kind of release from the pain, but for now, I held it tight to my chest like it was the only thing I possessed. I stared at the purple glow of our home planet, letting thoughts swirl around inside my head. Why was it so much easier to be the